Unfortunately (or fortunately…depending on how you look at it), there is no simple mathematical equation, or test, or quiz that can predict whether or not your relationship will be a lasting success.
Our life is an experience—not a foregone conclusion (and that’s a good thing!).
But the more aware you are of what, potentially, you’re getting into when you enter a relationship, the better you can mitigate your chances of heartbreak and relationship disaster.
And with that awareness you make yourself more available for long-term love with the right guy.
Raising your awareness means being clear on the facts of your relationship.
In other words, what exactly is a separated man or divorced man? What are they going through, and what should you be concerned about if you’re in a relationship with a man who might be in a given stage of divorce or separation?
Here are some of the basics to help you get clearer on his situation… And ultimately help you get clearer insight on whether or not this is a relationship where you want to go into deeper levels of commitment.
The questions that follow each section are questions to consider when you’re thinking about whether to continuing seeing him—especially if you have the intention of dating with the purpose of finding a life-partner.
These questions might not be as important to you if you’re just dating recreationally and short term.
But if you’re trying to date with the intention of finding a life-partner, and are looking for a long-term relationship, the questions below will help you see his situation more clearly, manage your expectations, and decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave.
The Separated Man
A separated man is one who is still legally married. He might be in the process of divorce, or the divorce papers might not have been filed at all.
Nolo.com, which is an online resource for legal information, explains the different types of separation this way:
Trial separation. When a couple lives apart for a test period, to decide whether or not to separate permanently, it’s called a trial separation. Even if the spouses don’t get back together, the assets they accumulate and debts they incur during the trial period are usually considered marital property. This type of separation is usually not legally recognized, but is instead a specific period in a couple’s relationship.
Living apart. Spouses who no longer reside in the same dwelling are said to be living apart. In some states, living apart without intending to reunite changes the spouses’ property rights. For example, some states consider property accumulated and debts incurred while living apart to be the separate property or debt of the person who accumulated or incurred it. In other states, property is joint, unless and until a divorce complaint is filed in court. Also in some states, couples must live apart for a certain period of time before they are permitted to file for a no-fault divorce.
Permanent separation. When a couple decides to permanently split up, it’s often called a permanent separation. It may follow a trial separation, or may begin immediately when the couple starts living apart. In most states, all assets received and most debts incurred after permanent separation are the separate property or responsibility of the spouse incurring them. However, debts that happen after separation and before divorce are usually joint debts if they are incurred for certain necessities, such as to provide for the children or to maintain the marital home.
Again, a couple’s decision to permanently separate may not be considered a legal one unless one party files for legal separation instead of divorce.
Legal separation. A legal separation results when the parties separate and a court rules on the division of property, alimony, child support, custody, and visitation — but does not grant a divorce. This isn’t very common, but there are situations where spouses don’t want to divorce for religious, financial, or personal reasons, but do want the certainty of a court order that says they’re separated and addresses all the same issues that would be decided in a divorce. The money awarded for support of the spouse and children under these circumstances is often called “separate maintenance” (as opposed to “alimony” or “child support”).
If you want to go deeper into understanding the separation and divorce process, Nolo’s Essential Guide to Divorce (2014) is a great resource that guides you through all stages of separation and divorce.
If you’re in a relationship with a separated man, and are thinking about whether you should continue to see each other, it’s better to get clear on what’s happening in his life right now and how that might affect your relationship. This will help you decide whether or not you’ll be truly happy being with him at the present time.
Also, first realizing what you want in a happy, fulfilling relationship, and then figuring out what relationship requirements you have that comprise a happy, fulfilling relationship, will make it easier for you to determine whether or not this relationship meets your personal needs.
In general, separation in the case where the still married couple is living apart (and not yet legally separated), is a very volatile time.
They might either be considering divorce, or maybe they haven’t even decided yet on whether to pursue divorce.
So if you are getting into a relationship with a separated man, with the intention of considering him as a long-term partner or a life-partner, it’s like trying to build a house on really shaky ground.
While he might want and fully intend to get divorced, his separated status might limit his availability to have normal relationship interactions with you… This could be in the form of situations that include having you meet his friends and family or having you spend time with him on a regular, predictable basis.
And the question isn’t when he’s going to get a divorce, but whether you’ll be happy in a relationship with him as you’re experiencing it right now.
Important questions to consider when dating a separated man:
- How long has he been separated?
- Why did they decide to separate?
- Do he and his wife still live together?
- Are he and his wife working towards reconciliation?
- How do they split parenting duties if they have children?
- Do you they have plans to divorce?
- Have they each agreed to see other people?
There are couples who make things work after meeting, while one is in the middle of a separation. In many cases, however, even if a man is ready to be separated, this can be a period of huge change and turmoil for him.
He may not yet know what he wants next, or how fully prepared he is to commit to someone new.
When you find out the answers to those questions, be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship that you really want to have, and whether his current situation is aligned with that vision.
The Divorcing Man
Once papers have been filed, a couple moves from separated to divorcing.
In this case, the decision has been made to officially end the marriage and stop working towards reconciliation.
Understanding the circumstances surrounding his divorce can be helpful in determining whether or not this is a relationship you want to pursue.
The thing is to try and be as honest as possible about his intentions, and pay attention to your experience with him to help you decide whether you want to keep seeing him.
As with men who are separated (or any man who is out there on the “dating market”), men who are in the middle of a divorce might not always be looking to go into another relationship right away. He might just want to date for a fun for a while—or he might be unsure of what he wants.
And there may be some cases where a relationship was over years before the divorce paperwork was actually filed, in which case the man you are dating could have long since moved on and may be more than ready to fall in love again now.
Treading carefully until you fully understand the situation is always the best way to protect your own heart.
Important questions to consider when dating a divorcing man:
Since he’s divorcing, he’s also separated. Here are some additional questions to consider next to the questions to think about when dating a separated man.
- Why did he and his wife decide to proceed with a divorce?
- Who initiated the divorce proceedings?
- How does he feel about the divorce proceedings and how are they handling it (mediation, family court, etc)?
- How does his wife feel about what’s going on?
- How would he characterize the divorce proceedings (bitter, not bitter, very difficult, relatively painless, etc)?
- Is there a possibility that he and his wife might try to reconcile their marriage at some point?
- If they have kids, how do they divide parenting duties?
You may also want to pay attention to how his friends and family react to you, if he’s introduced you to them; their reactions may give you an indication of how ready they believe him to be.
Try to remember that the actual act of going through a divorce can be quite trying, no matter how prepared a man may be for this part of his life to be over.
If kids are involved, there can be a lot of emotions from them, and from all parties, about the dissolution of the marriage and the family unit as they know it.
Because he is dealing with the divorce proceedings and any emotional upset from his ex, kids or friends and family, he might not be as available—both physically and emotionally—as you’d like him to be for normal dating activities such as date nights, weekends away, or meeting your friends and family.
Again, thank about what you really want in a fulfilling relationship, and whether dating him while he’s going through a divorce will offer you that desired experience.
The Divorced Man
When a divorce is final, a judge has ordered the dissolution of the marriage.
Child custody and division of property, as well as child support, alimony, who gets the dog and the Christmas china, etcetera, are all part of that settlement.
The list can go on.
They say that divorce is like the end of a civilization.
And depending on how long they’ve been married and whether they have kids, it could be a large or small civilization.
Think about how much stuff you as a single person accumulate in eight years, which is the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce in the United States.
From the money in your bank account (or the debt you’ve accumulated), to the stuff in your living space, and the relationships you’ve built with friends and family, eight years can be a lot of stuff and a lot of history.
In a marriage, all of that “baggage” is community property.
And in a divorce, all of that “baggage” and their whole civilization is affected in some way, by the dissolution of the marriage.
But now that the divorce is said and done, how does his past affect your current relationship with him?
Important questions to consider when dating a divorced man:
- How long has it been since their divorce?
- What were the reasons for his divorce?
- How often do he and his ex communicate with each other now?
- How do he and his ex split parenting duties? (Assuming kids are involved)
- How does he view marriage now?
- Does he see himself getting married again in the future?
- Are there things he would do differently in his relationship if he got married again?
How to Go about Finding the Answers to These Questions
The best way is simply ask him.
Your first date with him might not be the best time to ask him those questions.
But who knows—you might have built up a kind of rapport with each other, perhaps through communicating online (if you met online), where you do feel comfortable asking those questions very early in the relationship.
The thing is, the sooner you know the answers to those questions, the sooner you’ll be able to discern whether he’s a good match for you, and whether you want to continue seeing each other.
And it’s not a bad thing to show him that you’re curious about him and his past.
He might even appreciate that you’re interested.
It’s normal to want to know where our potential partner is coming from, and what he’s going through right now. How else are we supposed to get to know someone, other than to experience them and ask relevant questions?
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
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If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to sign-up for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
[…] To help you make a relationship decision about whether you should stay or leave, it’s important to get clear on his status, where is he in the process of divorce? […]
I’m dating a married guy who is physically separated from his wife. He has had his own place for 10 months (which is when he moved out of there place). We have been dating for 6 months. He spends a lot of time with me, but he nor she have filed for divorce yet. I think she thinks he’ll come home (even though he has told me he’s made it clear that he’s dating and wants a divorce). He’s saying that he doesn’t want to file for divorce until he knows she can handle it because she continuously tells him how she can’t handle it. I’m just wondering if I should throw in the towel, give it a few more months, or just start dating someone else while dating him (so he can see I could move on. He actually treats me better than my last boyfriend, dinner, house stuff, introduces me to family & friends, based on how he treats me everything is perfect, then I remember (he hasn’t emotionally disconnected from this co dependent relationship). A part of me feels like if I’m impatient and hit the road, I could miss out on someone (who in time will be ready to part ways with their wife). I didn’t know he was married btw. I googled him to find out (lol).
Hi Alex, I feel your concern.
Dating a separated man is a very risky endeavor because they’re undergoing a lot of transition and are not really fully available to be present to a new relationship.
I also think it is HUGE red flag that he didn’t disclose his marital status when you were first dating. It’s kind of like lying by omission.
And if he is waiting until his wife can “handle it” before proceeding with a divorce, that sounds like it might be a very indefinite time in the future.
The decision of whether or not to let him go is a very personal decision. I have an article where I go deeper into explaining whether you should wait for someone to be ready for a relationship and what to do if he’s not ready for a relationship; you might find those articles helpful.
You have think through whether you want to stay (which may mean not getting your needs met for a while while he’s directing his energy toward getting over his previous relationship) or you can move on. If you do move on, you do risk losing contact with him, but leaving a relationship that is not meeting your needs frees you to be available for a relationship that will meet your needs and that might be a better fit for your long-term happiness. But you could also wait and take that chance that things will improve. It depends on what really matters to you and whether or not you’re willing to wait.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
all the best,
Melissa
My husband left me ,and a month later found his first love and has been seeing her for 3 months, we have been together for 14 years married 6years and 3 sons togsther, and yet he says he has always loved her, she was no where in the picture for 13 years. Now all of a sudden he loves her,and his relationship he has with her is so secretive and protective,and he treats me like trash,as I never existed, how does someone just stop loving,caring about someone and jump into another relationship ,he has changed for the worst his bwhavior,his attitude towards me, the mids he has done a 360 for the worse his acts our of cowardice and immaturity. Well she has no kids,has worked at KFC for 13 years,lives with her parents. I work,acts acts license Phlebotomist at UCI Irvine, and im a Medical Assitant as well, I live in the 3 bedroom house we lived and now I pay the bills, and he lives with his dad sleeping on the couch. He’s cheated 2xs,and is verbal and in the past physical abusive. Now his verbal as became more aggressive and just last week he said ,he wishes i was dead, and that she means more to him. ,than i ever will.
HI Sin,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see why you would be really bewildered at his behavior.
I get the sense that you are in crisis right now. If you are being abused, it is very important that you get support and advice from a trained crisis counselor for the safety of you and your kids. I encourage you to call a hotline like http://www.thehotline.org/ to get support. You don’t deserve to be threatened or treated that way. I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
I am a lady of 29 years married in 2011but now we are separated with my husband as from 2013 march.I tried to divorce him but he ran away and deny to sign divorce papers from sherrif. I dated a guy in 2014 he has a wife although marriage and lobola were not finalised. He show an interest on me although we are in distance and I love him too. My problem is I want him to show clearly whether he is gonna take me as his second wife or he just keeping me to be his wiper in times of bitterness of their relationship.We ended up seeing each other last year september since we are in different provinces we keep on calling each other sending photos.Now I feel I need him I mic him so much but its hard for me to cheat on him coz I really love him I even dream about him at night.
Hi Noxy, I feel your concern. The best thing right now is to have an honest conversation with him about his readiness for a new relationship. Ask him where he is at and whether he plans to get married again. If he does, then maybe you have an opportunity to have a more serious relationship and move toward deeper levels of commitment. But if he is not looking to get married again and just wants someone to be with in times of bitterness in his current relationship and that is not what you want, then perhaps this relationship is not the best fit for you for your long-term happiness.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi im wondering if you can help me out. I have been in a intimate relationship with my boyfried for almost 2 years now. He has been permanently deparated from his wife for over 10 years and they live in separate houses. There is a big age difference between us and my family doesint like that and his ex doesint like that and they cause all sorts of trubble and he is unable to get divorced because he has a few houses he collects rent from and will loose more then half to her. Can i do anything about this situation?
Hi Jessica, I feel your frustration. It sounds like you have several issues going on here. Your family’s disapproval, his ex’s disapproval and the fact that they are separated but not divorced.
You, personally, can’t do anything about his marital status and financial status; those are things that he alone is responsible for.
I don’t know what sort of trouble your family and his ex are causing in your relationship but if they are disrespecting you, it is important to set boundaries and communicate to them that you hear how they feel but that you’re not going be treated with disrespect. Also, if they keep giving you a hard time, you can tell them that you don’t want to talk about it.
My husband and I are far apart in age, too. But my folks got over it when they saw that he treated me well and I was happy. I don’t know a whole lot about your situation, but perhaps if they got to know him, they will ease up.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
im dating a married man who is seperated (i know they arent in good terms and the wife just wants him around for money and child support) the woman has a new partner in australia but keeps it a secret from him. and as for me i’m being kept a secret from her as well. we’ve agreed that we would start a life together meaning buying property, etc. but as time goes by, most of his money is still going to his wife and daughters expenses although he has been livinf with me for the past two amd a half years. i tried to understand that at first it would be hard but now i realize, that i’m the only one who shells out money. even paying for rent and our car loans.sometimes when their rent is due, and he lacks money, he borrows money from me and pays their house and other bills. when i tell him that im tired of living like this, and i hope he finds ways to generate more income, he just says sorry, promises to find a newer job that pays more then shrugs it off and continues like nothing happened. i have 3 kids from my previous relationship by the way so i know that i have to shell out more. but im really so confused right now. its like he doesn’t have the balls to tell his wife that he wants to start a life of his own and he cant give everything to her anymore. im so confused. should i stay with him or am i better of alone.
Hi JC, Thanks for reaching out. I feel your frustration. It really comes down to your needs and requirements. Needs are things that you need to happen in a relationship in order for the relationship to work for you. It sounds like you might have a need for a partner who is really proactive about supporting the life you are trying to build together. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding whether you should stay in a relationship or leave. But having alignment in your needs, requirements and vision are the really important factors in determining a relationship’s long-term success. You might find these couple of articles helpful: Is this relationship worth it? and Is this relationship going to work out? I also offer affordable personalized support at Ask Melissa.
All the best,
Melissa
I am dating this guy and it’s been 6 months now, he is married but before I dated him he was dating this other girl for 3years and he was still staying with his wife at that time. after their separation with this girl he also separated with the wife but not divorced and there comes me in his life without knowing that he is married, well after some time I found out and he told me that he is no longer staying with the wife and he is considering the divorce so it has been a while and he is not doing anything when I ask him what he is waiting for he says divorcing will cost him loosing his kids and property that they will share so he must trust me enough to sacrifice that much and that I won’t leave him after that although I keep on ensuring him that I love him and will not leave him. he loves me too but now I suspect that the wife has moved back in he is acting very strange like making excuses for leaving early, not sleeping over and not coming to see me when he promised to. last time he came to me wearing his wedding ring on his finger and when I asked he told me that he forgot it he was looking for some thing until he found that ring so he was just checking if it fits well because last time it was a bit bigger..I tried to understand although i cudnt. so my problem now is how do I find out if the wife moved back in and which questions can I ask him to find out why ddnt he started with the divorce and how , and if I have to
leave him how to tell him without him suspecting that I leave him because I found some1 just to know that I am awareness of what is happening and it is the reason why I want out. I really need help I can’t waste anymore time.
Hi Bongy I’m sorry I missed this comment. I feel your frustration. I encourage people to be as open and direct with their significant other as possible because that is the best way that they will get their needs known and met. So, to be honest, I wouldn’t beat around the bush to try and find out whether he moved back in with his wife because that would just waste even more time; I would really ask him directly. I would start by letting him know how you feel about your relationship and why those questions are important to you.
And if you need to talk to him about possibly leaving the relationship, talk to him about it in the context of your needs. You can say that this relationship is missing some important requirements or some of your needs are not getting met, etc.
I think it is a big red flag that he did not tell you that he was still married and that he is still wearing his wedding ring. This might be an indication that he is not yet over his previous relationship.
I hope this helps lend some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
I am in a relationship with a separated man who has a child. His been separated for 2 years now. I met him after 16 months of their separation. At our first meeting he didn’t mention anything that he was married or even had a child until our third meeting. In this time I was in a relationship with someone else for 3 years but I broke it off when I met the guy I am with now. For the first Time I felt happy like I wasn’t trying to make another guy I’m in a relationship with happy. When I met the married man at first it trickered something in me. Like I finally felt that I can breath for the first time. But when he told me about his past, I accepted it so easily, I met his son and I adored him very much. We started off as friends then best friends for 8 months and he finally told me that we are officially in a relationship. He says his leaving everything behind for me, his even going to divorce his wife for me, but she was the one that kicked them out also she wanted a divorce and keeps reminding me everyday that I should value it and not leave him at the end. Even though we are in a relationship now I feel like me and him are just friends. His wife that kicked him out with his son now wants to come back after using up all his money. He told me shes being very violent on him, hitting him alot infront of his son. Last time she told him she wanted to come back and that she knows his meeting me. She gets violence on him try and get him to beat her up so that she can put him in jail but he resists stays quiets and does nothing. Yet i am still with him and he keeps asking me to leave while I still have the chance because if he gets really serious with me he will not let me go. I myself am having doubts on why it feels empty when he says he loves me? But everything his done his proven he does. Is it because His been married before and whatever he said to his wife his saying it to me again. It took him 8 months to say I love you I also don’t know if I should still continue with this. Alot of challenges ahead that involves my family not being able to accept him, we are 13 years difference and he has a child. I do respect the bond he has for his child but I am starting to have feelings of doubt and feelings that I feel he loves his son more than me. Is it even normal to feel comparable to his child from his previous relationship. He told me no one is going to stop him from seeing his child not even me. This totally ticked me off. I am confused on what to do. People have given alot of advice but still don’t want to accept it because I do love him.
Hi Sophia, Thanks for reaching out. I really feel your concern. It sounds like you’re going through a lot. And it sounds like a very volatile situation that he is in. I can see why it would be confusing as to what to do.
It sounds like he is really going through a lot, too, and that may be the reason that he is pushing you away. At of times, men who are undergoing a lot of transition don’t feel ready for a relationship or they worry that they won’t be able to meet your needs.
I would encourage you to take a look at what thoughts are coming up when he says he loves you. Do you have your own baggage that might be interfering with your ability to embrace and accept his affections? Or maybe your intuition is picking up on a red flag?
I’ll be hosting a webinar next week that you might find helpful: The 5 Keys to Relationship Success: How to Know If He’s Right for You and the Secrets to Manifesting a Deeply Fulfilling Relationship.
Hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa, I’m so happy that I found your website! I myself walked away from a 7 year relationship 1.5 years ago. It was a struggle to leave, but I now know deep in my heart that it was the right thing to do and I’ve grown so incredibly much from it.
6 months ago I met a man online. While our first date was anything but smooth, I gave it a second chance. And I’m glad that I did as it was a 180! On the second date he revealed that he and his ex had a little 3 year old girl. I’m in my mid-30s and had you previously told me that I’d be open to dating a divorced guy with a child, I’d tell you, you were dead wrong. But instead the news didn’t scare me; I have nieces the same age, and I kept open to the idea of dating him.
As it turns out, he has the best case that you could ask for; a tight knit, supportive family, a good job, friends and support system. No debt and little drama. He’s open and a great communicator.
After several weeks of dating and eventually becoming intimate, he revealed that he was yet to be formally divorced..but rather separated for 2.5 years…but that he considered himself as divorced minus the formal paperwork. This stunned me, and I wasn’t sure whether to run or hear him out. He said they decided to end things while their little girl was still a baby and wouldn’t know any different. They tried everything under the sun to make things work, but they didn’t so eventually he called things off. That things are over and they merely hadn’t gotten divorced due to tax savings etc, but that it was on their to-do list. I took him at his word as everything else checked out. They indeed live separately and see each other for exchanges or family events for the sake of the little girl.
Since then, we have gone on 3 trips ranging from 4 days to a week, with another trip in a few weeks. We talk daily and see each other a few times a week (I’m not permitted to see him while he has the little girl, yet). I have met his family and friends, and he has met mine… and all welcome us with open arms. I have met his little girl once and while I was introduced as a friend, we immediately bonded well, in fact almost (unintentionally) too well. So well that it upset her birth mother, understandable, so we postponed any more meetings until further down the line.
Now my bf is talking long term; introducing me to his ex so that myself and my bf can spend time together with his little girl, and longer term for me to have a trial living at his place so that eventually we can purchase a new home together. We have talked about being open to marriage and more kids in the future.
So what is my concern you may ask? The divorce proceedings haven’t moved forward. We tried meeting with his ex and she canceled at the last minute after she got emotionally overwhelmed. He feels like he can push forward, but only so much at a time. The second thing being that his ex is like a second daughter to his family. She spent time at their family vacation home earlier this year and recently traveled overseas with her sister, my bf’s mother and friends. I understand the importance of keeping a good relationship for the sake of the little girl, but I’ve never stayed in touch with an ex before, and I feel like there’s so many barriers to break through. Thankfully to to-date all have been smooth.
Being in my mid-30s, normally I wouldn’t do the ticking clock thing, but I don’t want to be burnt again. I also haven’t revealed to friends and family the fact that my bf isn’t divorced yet and how close his ex is to his family (her family isn’t as close-knit); the idea of both doesn’t always sit well with me, but I keep it to ourselves. I try to be understanding to her situation and feelings (thankfully she’s respectful to us), but I don’t want to be a pushover.
How do I proceed without sounding overbearing, while still standing my ground? How long is reasonable to wait for the divorce to be finalized?
Thanks in advance!
Hi Nat, Thanks for reaching out. I feel you! I was in the same boat years ago when I was dating a divorcing man. There wasn’t crazy drama but it just seemed like thing were moving slowly. (and you’re lucky in that way!) I know how you feel. It worked out in the end and we are all friendly with each other.
I have some articles on the topic that I think might interest you:
Should I Wait for Him to Finalize His Divorce or Move On?
Should You Wait for Him to Be Ready for a Relationship?
When You Feel Second to His Ex and Kids
Burned out in Your Relationship? Warning Signs and How to Avoid It
The short answer is everyone’s tolerance level is different for how long they should wait. Ask yourself:
what is it that you ultimately want in the long run?
What is it costing you the fact that he is still going through a divorce?
what needs are not getting met during this time?
how long are you willing to delay having your needs met while he goes through a divorce?
Where is your line in the sand?
In what situations would you be unwilling to wait any longer?
These are very personal questions that only you can answer.
And the big question: are you willing to take the risk?
It’s risky to put your heart on the line, but if it works out in the end, then there are big payoffs — you get to spend life with someone you love and adore. But if it doesn’t work out, then you spent that time waiting. It’s a risk but it’s up to us to decide which risks we want to take.
I talk about navigating risk in my webinar that I did recently (The 5 keys to relationship success. The replay will be up for the next four days only)
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hello,
I was recently dating a guy for 5 years. When we first met he told me he was seperated and a child and I was okay with it. Well not so long ago I found out he wasnt and still living with his wife. So we broke things off. He is now in the process of a legal seperation. He has moved out. I know his feelings for me are true and that he does want to be with me. But im just confused on how to take it from here. Is it okay to start dating him agaim? Or should I just give him time and distance myself from him. Help!!
Hi Maria, Thank you so much for reaching out. I feel you; it can be a really confusing time because it is such a time of transition for both of you!
But the short answer is, if you want to have a “normal” relationship where your needs are met and you’re spending lots of time together and talking about/building a future together, I would hold off on dating him until he is really ready to date….because the fact that he is still involved in his previous relationship, even if it’s by way of trying to dissolve his marriage, his involvement with that really undermines his ability to be fully present for a new relationship.
His life is such in a state of transition right now that he is not physically or emotionally available for a new relationship. He’s in a highly volatile situation so he’s likely not going to be able to give your relationship the time, attention and nurturing it deserves because he will be going through a divorce and going through that battle.
Also, the fact that he was not honest about this marital status in the beginning is a red flag, and I would keep my ears and eyes open to why he might have been keeping that from you.
I know this is a lot to think about but I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
I’m in love with a divorced man and I want to know if he can remarry just after a year
I love your website
Thank you so much! I’m so glad that it is helpful to you! 🙂
Hi Sheilla, Thanks for reaching out. I feel you. Whether he can remarry after a year would depend on his desire to remarry and his readiness for a new relationship. He needs to be physically and emotionally available for a relationship and ready to commit.
All the best,
Melissa
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. He is going through divorce proceedings. He recently changed lawyers and his new lawyer stated that as long as he is married, he is not in a relationship with me and that he was setting a bad example by continuing to see me before his divorce is final. I was categorized as his mistress and he was told our relationship was completely invalid in the eyes of the law. I’m also a teacher (as is he) and the lawyer said we could lose our licenses under crimes of moral turpitude. While I empathize with his situation, I feel bad. He no longer is able to see me as much as before and I no longer come around when he has his kids. I never meant to further complicate his divorce but I love this man and we have spent 11 months and 3 weeks together. I’m confused and hurt and unsure how I should proceed. He says this will pass and he wants me to be patient but, I just don’t know. Any advice would help. Thanks!
Hi, Thanks so much for your comment. I feel you. I can see why that would be really hard, especially after having spent so much time together.
I’m not an expert in divorce law, but, yes, states do have their own laws when it comes to dissolution of marriage and some states do have “crimes of moral turpitude” laws. It’s really unfortunate that the circumstance could threaten both you jobs. But you’re doing the right thing by not seeing each other and by laying low (because if you both lose your jobs, that’s a whole other level of complication, right?). I know it hurts and it’s not easy. And it’s not your fault. What’s important is to focus on you and how you are going to approach this new development.
The antidote to fear is CLARITY. I encourage you to journal about this because there are a lot of emotions coming up for you right now and processing it out on paper in a private journal will help you sort through the feelings and confusion. Just do stream of consciousness writing for like 10 mins each day. Write what comes to mind. Get it all out.
And then start to think about: given the new development, what choices are available to you? What choices do you have in front of you? Are you able to stay connected (talk, email, etc?) while he goes through his divorce? Or do you have to completely cut off contact? If you want to wait for him, think about what that would mean to you; do you want to wait and if so, for how long? Because of the circumstance, he’s not ready for the kind of relationship that you really want right now because doing so would jeopardize your jobs.
And if you put your relationship on hold….you won’t get your needs met. But is that something you’re willing to do in order to wait for the possibility of being together? It’s a very personal decision that only you can make. If you can’t see each other, how long would you want to wait for the divorce to be final? What obstacles do you foresee? What kind of emotional fortification and support do you need in order to get through it? The antidote to fear is CLARITY. So thinking through a plan of action for you will help you overcome the fear and confusion.
I think it is a lot to think about but I hope this helps lend some clarity!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa. I am currently 18 and seeing a 30 year old man who is separated but not divorced. His wife left him a year ago to go live with a new boyfriend and he is left raising his two daughters. I am in love with him and he is with me. His wife recently apologized and said she wants to come back, although he has been in contact with her for awhile so his girls can talk to her. He is such a nice guy and wants the best for his girls who miss their mommy. With that being said, he is willing to let her move back in with him but stay separated until they can afford the divorce. He wants to introduce me to her and wants to continue seeing me. He claims he will only let her stay 30 days, but my worry is they might realize they still love each other and want to stay married. I can’t figure out whether to stick it out or run for the hills so I don’t make things awkward or break a marriage up. I know I’m young and I could have anyone but I feel like he is the love of my life.
Hi Ashlynn,
Thank you for commenting. I really feel you. I know this is hard…when you’re in love with someone who is not able to fully commit to the kind of relationship that you really want.
The reality is, because he is going through a divorce right now, his life is undergoing a MAJOR transition. Think of it like you’re on a boat together…the boat is your relationship, his divorce is inclement weather. When your boat is in a storm, there’s going to be a lot of ups and downs and it’s difficult to predict just how bad the storm might be.
That is the kind of risk you are taking on when dating a divorcing man. It’s a very volatile time. So I totally understand why it feels scary.
The antidote to fear is clarity.
To approach this in a way that is in the interest of your long-term happiness, you need to get really clear with yourself on a several things:
You need to get clear on your vision. In your heart of hearts, in love life of your dreams, what kind of life and relationship do you really want? What does that look like and feel like?
Get really clear on what you’re potentially getting into if you stay together while he’s going through a divorce. Assess the risks. Forecast what could you potentially be getting into? And for how long? (sometimes divorces can take years)
Get really clear on your needs and requirements. what do you need and require in a relationship in order for you to have the relationship that you really want? what do you need in a relationship in order to feel loved? what are your dealbreakers?
It’s really important to get clear on those things because if you stay together, if you go through this storm with him, you’re not going to have the relationship that you really want—at least while he is undergoing this major transition (maybe even indefinitely) because he’s not going to be fully available both physically and emotionally—his physical and emotional energy are going toward dealing with his major transition, the divorce and helping his kids deal with the divorce.
It’s really important to get clear on your vision because this vision that you have for the kind of life and relationship that you want with him….it’s going to be delayed, and it’s hard to tell for how long.
Because the truth is, you can’t have a normal relationship with him while he’s going through a divorce. So you have to really ask yourself whether you are are willing to give up that vision. And if you are willing to, for how long are you willing to put that vision aside? If you’re going to settle for a situation that’s less than what you really want, you have to look within and ask yourself for how long would you be willing to do that, under what circumstances (are there any dealbreakers?), or whether that’s something you’re even willing to do.
I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go because that’s a deeply personal decision that only you can make. But what I can tell you is that it’s a very risky relationship….for some of the reasons that you already mentioned….he’s undergoing a lot of transition. He might finalize his divorce. Or he might reconcile with his wife.
So if you’re hoping for a normal relationship during this time or some semblance of a normal relationship, it’s not realistic to expect that he will be available for the kind of relationship that you want. So you have to really look inside yourself to decide if this is something you want to do.
I know this is a lot to think about, but I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
I met a man through my work who is married. 7 months ago we began talking, emailing eachother and getting to know one another. We were very physically attracted to eachother and had agreed to meet outside of work. What started out as physical quickly turned into more. We fell head over heels for eachother. I knew the strong possibility of him staying with his wife so I never pushed for him to leave her. I had heard around the office that he and his wife were on and off for years and have only been married for 2. He has always been open and honest with me about his marriage…. good and bad. And that there are significant differences in what he and his wife want, for example children. After 6 months of seeing eachother he decided (on his own) to move out. He is renting an apartment and wanted to focus on what he and I have. He is seeing a therapist about the situation and is open with me about his appointments. He has told me that he is not in love with his wife but cares about her well being through this. And therefore is trying to let her down easy, he meets with her once a week to talk with her about their separation and issues that she has refused to address that have caused him to separate. I love this man. And I believe he loves me. But I am scared that he still has ties to her…. I have considered backing off until he figures things out and fully separates from his wife….. however of course neither of us want that. I’m very unsure of what to do. Neither of us have ever been in this type of situation. We’re both loyal and faithful people who got into this difficult situation. Is it wise to continue seeing eachother? Even with all of the open and honest communication?
I’ve been dating a separated man for about three months now. He is 14 years older, has a 3 y/o daughter with his ‘wife’ and has been separated from her for about 2.5years now–they had been together for 10 years, married for 4.
I realize it is still soon to get out, and unfortunately, feels a bit too soon to start badgering him with questions about him finalizing his divorce. I’ve asked plenty already, and he tells me he’s going RE-FILE (according to him, there was a problem with the first filing and he never bothered following up because there was never a reason to) in April of 2017, once he gets his tax return–he also claims that lawyers and settlements are too time and money consuming for him right now.
He has made it pretty clear that he is no longer in love with his wife, and that they have both agreed to seeing other people meanwhile they are separated. I am aware that they have a child together, and he doesn’t seem to fail on his fatherly duties at all–he claims that him and his wife still get along as friends. But I worry that they might rebound to each other… even after having broken up twice already.
I am sure that he is living separate (i’ve spent time at his home & slept over plenty), he even introduced me to his roommate which is pretty great friends with his wife…
I’m sure it’s noticeable that I have my doubt about this guy… So I suppose my question is, if no suggestions– what kind of signs should I be looking for?
I don’t plan to wait around forever… and waiting until April 2017 is ridiculously long for someone to divorce from someone they claim they’re separated from.
I see so much more potential in this man than I have anyone else i’ve dated… So i don’t want to miss out on a great catch, but him being married is something i’m very uncomfortable with–and he knows this.
Hi, Thank you so much for reaching out. I hear you. I feel your concern; this is a challenging situation to be in.
In this situation, I think it is a good sign that he is proactively taking steps toward his intended outcome: ending his marriage. It’s a good sign that he that he took the initiative to move out (instead of making excuses, which is what some people do), and he’s getting emotional support through this transition by seeing a therapist. It’s also a good sign that he’s trying to end his marriage as peacefully and amicably as possible.
The truth is, he’s DOES still have ties to her because they are married.
Whether it’s wise to continue seeing each other is a very personal decision for you to make. And it depends on what you really want and what you are willing to do.
But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not realistic in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce. His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal relationship where your needs are met while that is going on is not a realistic expectation.
It sounds like he is still in the very early stages of his separation and divorce. Have they filed yet? Is there a separation waiting period? (this is true in some states). These are questions to consider to help you get clearer on what you’re getting into.
It’s also really important to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers).
And you also need to consider the risks; get as clear as you can on what you’re getting into. If he is separated but has not filed for divorce yet, it may be some time before the filings happen and before the divorce is final. You need to think about how long you are willing to wait.
If you want long term relationship happiness, you need to be true to your vision, needs and requirements.
Given this awareness, which path feels right for you?
Know that if you stay in this relationship while he is going through a separation, your vision for the kind of relationship that you really want will not be realized right now. Even with all the open and honest communication, some of your needs and requirements may not be met.
You have to know that going in if you decide to stay in this relationship.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Tiff,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I hear you.
The first red flag that come to mind for me is I wonder why “there was never a reason to” get divorced. I wonder why he is not in a hurry to get divorced. It appears that he has a lot of reasons (excuses) for why he hasn’t made progress on his divorce…he says it’s “too much time”…or…”too much money.” So it doesn’t sound like like getting a divorce is a priority for him.
You may have a really wonderful connection with him, but if you want a normal relationship where your relationship grows into deeper levels of connection and intimacy and where you are free to create the life and relationship that you want together, it’s not likely that you’ll get to have that if you’re dating a separated man….because he still has legal and perhaps emotional ties to his previous relationship.
I encourage you to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), and get clear on your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers). …because that can be the basis on which you make relationship decisions. If you want long-term relationship happiness, you have to be true to your vision, needs and requirements.
There are also some things you can look out for like is he making progress toward his divorce (or is he dragging his feet), and is he clear about what he wants and is he prioritizing his life in a way to attain it, and is he showing evidence that he will meet your needs and requirements? Another really important thing to consider and look into is is he over his ex? could it be that he is staying married because he is unconsciously still not over his previous relationship? And how long are you willing to wait for him to start making meaningful progress toward a divorce?
I know this is a lot to think about but I hope this helps provide some guidance.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Mellisa
For the first time in my life, I find myself dating a man that has been on seperation for about a year. We have been seeing each other for a month, and I am 5 years older than him, in my mid-40s, never been married and never had kids. He has 2 children under 5 years with his wife, they live seperately, she with the kids. Their marriage started breaking down after they encountered a serious financial knock after he lost his job, and she was forced to work for the first time in her life, and he thinks that right now there is no hope of getting back with her. He has found a means to create an income, and sends money to his family, but his fear is that if he files for divorce, she will make very unreasonable financial demands, and he might even lose his kids.
I love him so much, but feel uncertain because he has kept me a secret so far, and he says that he wants me in his life forever, but does not know how to do that.
By the way, he injured his back a few days ago, and his wife spent 3 nights at his place to help him out. He asked me not to call at night, and even messages me during the day to say that she is around and I must not call.
I know his marriage issues should not be my problem, but I really love him.
HI Joy, Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I hear you. I can see how that would hurt because you feel like you’re on the sidelines and you’re not having the relationship that you really want. I know how hard it is to be deeply in love yet you feel like you can’t have a normal relationship.
Whenever we experience issues in our relationship, it’s because we have needs or requirements that are not being met. All needs and requirements are valid. They are unique to you, your values, and the experience that you want to create for yourself in this life.
Requirements are dealbreakers. They are non-negotiable for you…meaning if one requirement was not present, the relationship would not work for you. They are qualities and behavioral events in a relationship…for example “fidelity, mutual respect, loves children, etc.” Needs are functional and emotional needs in a relationship that are still very important to you, but they’re not dealbreakers. For example, you might have an emotional need for appreciation or a functional need for punctuality/planning, but maybe you wouldn’t necessarily END the relationship if he were late to a date or failed to show appreciation for something. But needs and requirements are related in that they can be gradations of one another.
What’s important is to get clear on what your needs and requirements are, and also assess your relationship readiness and your partner’s readiness, and then talk about it; see how aligned you are in terms of your individual needs and requirements. And then given that awareness, ask yourself “Are you a good long-term match? Is this relationship going to work for you?”
Whether it’s wise to continue seeing each other is a very personal decision for you to make. And it depends on what you really want and what you are willing to do.
But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not realistic in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce. His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal relationship where your needs are met while that is going on is not a realistic expectation.
It’s really important to get clear on your vision (your dream for the kind of life and relationship that you really want), your needs and requirements (what you need in order to feel loved and your relationship dealbreakers). Does he want to remarry? Does he want more kids in the future?
If you want long term relationship happiness, you need to be true to your vision, needs and requirements. That’s the basis for long term happiness…living out your dream, with someone who can support that dream.
Know that if you stay in this relationship while he is separated, your vision for the kind of relationship that you really want will not be realized right now; you’re not going to have a normal relationship (as you have mentioned and experienced). Some of your needs and requirements may not be met.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hello Melissa,
I have never dated a married guy before. I have never imagined the universe bringing a separated man in my path. I met a guy,he has been separated 3 years ago. I do not know if he is getting a divorce? I don’t know why the divorce is still pending, and I don’t know why he is separated. I find my self falling for him because he treats me right, and on the other hand, my self esteem is being attacked for dating a man who is still married. We have been on a couple of dates, and I have met his brother. He claims to really love me and even making plans with me for the near future. The relation is not up to a month. I love him, or should I say, I think I love love him. I want to ask him out for us to be more clear about his relationship with his wife. I want to see paper work. He said it’s over and he is ready. The only reason I agreed is because it has been 3 years since he moved on. Should I give this a chance? I need help. I am getting exhausted and don’t wanna dig deep. I like the fact that he opened up about his status. I am glad I met him but I am confused as hell.
help me
Hi Aisha,
Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. When we day dream about our ideal love life, we don’t usually think he’s going to be separated and have a lot of emotional baggage.
You’re on the right track for wanting more info about the status of his divorce or pending divorce.
If you are hoping for a long-term relationship with him, knowing where he is with all that will help you decide whether to go into deeper levels of commitment with him and whether he is really ready for a relationship.
I know it’s hard to talk to him about these subjects and to ask these questions because we’re afraid we might scare him away, but getting real honest with him, and hearing his honest responses, is the best way to find out whether this relationship is worth it for you.
I embedded some links to more articles that I think would help you think this through. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
one of my best friends reached out to me 3.5 months ago. we have known each other for years. 5 years ago he wanted to date me but i was dating my ex. he then got married 3 years ago but based on what he said when he started talking to me that he is in separation with his wife. Although they are still living in the same house. when i asked him why he is living in the same house he mentioned financial matters. he kind of confessed his love for the last 5 years towards me. i have know him as a friend to be very loyal and caring. i also never thought he would break his marriage because he is very faithful. when asked him why he is planing to break his marriage he mentioned a few different reasons. he said, his wife is planning to go backhome and live there with the rest of her family while he wants to move to Europe and live there for the rest of his life. then he mentioned that he could not forget me and my love for the last 3 years. when i asked him how long his process of separation and divorce will take he said they have filed last year (never mentioned exact months) and also he said he is not sure. but he mentioned he has lawyers to do this for him. i am friend with him on Facebook and friends on facebook with his wife as well. i still see some pictures togethere from last summer. and every Facebook post he has the wife likes it rightway. while these cannot be an indication of they are truly togethere but the fact that he cannot spend a lot of time with me because he has to be home as a certain time is not apealing. it makes me sad. sometimes he doesn’t call or message for 2 days. but when he is not with his wife he calls and messages all the time. i see these behaviours very inconsistent. i think even though he has moved on in his marriage (i trust him because of our friendship history) but the wife has not. and i think he cannot fully announce his separation to his wife to not make their divorce more complicated. at the begining he was very passionate but now he is less and he dissapears often. while he always talks about us together and how we should plan for our future. but i still don’t see it as a firm indication of how our relationship will end up. I don’t feel happy even though i really love him. i want to trust him and think he will make everything right but he has not communicated things with me honestly recently. i think there are puzzle pieces that are missing. I was thinking of talking to him and let him know that we stay friends until he ends things about his divorce. how do you think i have to approch this?
thanks
Shana
Hi Shana,
Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. It’s a difficult situation to be in. But trust your intuition on this one.
If he is sending mixed messages, it’s probably because he is not 100% ready for a relationship right now or he is unsure of what he wants.
I would encourage you to keep your distance and protect your heart until you are very clear on what his status is, otherwise you risk getting involved with someone who can’t meet your needs.
I hope this helps provide some guidance! I linked some articles in my response that I think might be helpful.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I hope you’re still replying to these messages because I am in desperate need of advice. I have been dating this man for roughly 2 months; however, we ended our relationship today due to some troubles that he is having with his divorce. He disclosed on the very first day of meeting that he was married but separated and ready to move on. Now I knew better than to get involved with him because something told me that it was much deeper than that. A month in a half in we decided to give each other some distance due to the divorce. This weekend we spoke more in-depth about it and he told me that his wife does not want to get a divorce and that she is desperately trying to get back together with him. He has assured me that he will not get back with her because she is having a baby by another man, and although I believe him I do know that he still loves her. I am already involved with him on an emotional, mental and physical level and we both do not want to give up on each other. We both agreed that it is best to wait, but I am not sure I know how to. I would really enjoy hearing what you think. How do we go about maintain some level of distance yet closeness? Do I give him space? Call on the phone? I want to believe that if it is meant to be, it will be but at the same time relationships need to be maintained and I don’t know what to do.
A little bit more information:
The divorce papers have not been filed because she won’t say she agrees to the divorce, but she does know about me. I also told him that he should get some counseling to work through some of these feelings, and he wants to but I am not sure if he will do it.
Hi Bianca, Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. It’s hard to have a close but distant relationship because he’s not quite ready for the kind of relationship that you really want. I have a couple of articles here that might be helpful to you on whether you should wait.
He Says He’s Not Ready for Relationship. Now What?
Should I Wait for Him to Finalize His Divorce or Move On?
Should You Wait for Him to Be Ready for a Relationship?
But here’s what I can tell you based on my experience and based on helping other women in this situation who are dating a separated man: if you want a normal relationship where you get to do the normal things that couple’s do and your relationship grows in a stable way—that’s not a realistic expectation in this situation when he’s going through a separation and impending divorce. His life is undergoing a lot of transition right now, and so his time, resources, and emotional energy are going toward that. And to try and have a normal closeness in the relationship while that is going on is not a realistic expectation.
So if you want to stay in contact, you have to adjust your expectations about what your relationship will look like and feel like while he’s going through a divorce. And you have to decide how long you are willing to wait.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
When I was in HS my best friend and I never dated but one day I told him I loved him and he said he was flattered but didn’t feel the same. There was a special connection between us. I’ve always believed us to be soul mates. Over the years there have been many coincidences that have brought us scarily close to each other. He has been married the last 26 years and I recently (2 months ago) reconnected with him and things started to happen. Shortly after that he was served his divorce papers. He was not looking for a divorce but toward a possible reconciliation. His wife threw him out over a year ago and dumped him off at the hospital twice when he was in life threatening situations. She wants nothing to do with him. He can’t understand why she won’t even talk to him. He claims responsibility for what went wrong between them. He drank and said some very mean things to her. He was accused of having an affair but he claims nothing ever happened. He was just texting someone which was inappropriate but not an affair. Things have started to happen between us. We decided to slow things down and just be friends until this is all sorted out. We’ve been spending practically every day together doing friend stuff. I’ve enjoyed having my friend back immensely. I’m trying not to give any ultimatums but clearly need to set some boundaries as to how far things can go between us until he gets his feelings figured out. A part of me feels so guilty because technically he is still married. And the other part of me figures I knew him even before she did so if she doesn’t want him then why should I deny us a chance. We’ve talked in depth about our feelings for each other and it amazes me that he hasn’t run away. He’s been thoughtful about all concerned. Trying to take an active roll in his kids (3) lives. He’s paying her nearly half of his income which isn’t much because he’s on disability right now. He’s in recovery (alcohol) out of rehab in Jan. so he’s dealing with a tremendous amount on his plate. I’m trying to be there for him as a friend. But my heart is already fully invested in him and I have no guarantees that he will complete the divorce or even want to be with me. Although so far there seems to be great interest there. Am I setting myself up for a huge heartbreak? Do I withdraw from even being friends until he figures this stuff out? If it were anyone else I would have been running for the hills long before now, but this is the man I’ve loved my entire life. The one I’ve always believed has been my soulmate. How can I turn my back on what may be our only chance.?
Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for reaching out and for sharing your story. I feel you, this is a hard place to be in because you have strong feelings for this man but he isn’t quite ready to give you the kind of relationship that you really want.
Since he is still going through a divorce and unsure if he wants to reconcile with his wife or go through with the divorce (not to mention he’s also on disability and recently got out of alcohol rehab)…his life is undergoing a lot of stressful changes right now, which means he’s not really able to be available (either emotionally or physically) to grow and nurture a new relationship.
And the fact that he is considering reconciliation also means that he still has strong feelings for his marriage; he’s not over his marriage.
He’s very preoccupied with these big changes in his life…and trying to have romantic relationship with him while he’s going through all this is likely going to result in you not getting your needs met and could lead to relationship burnout.
If you want to give yourself the best chance of avoiding “huge heartbreak,” I would be wise to step back from this relationship until he is WAY more clear about what he wants (clear that he does want to get a divorce and not reconcile) AND is taking meaningful action to attain it (moving heaven and earth to make it happen. That’s not the same as having “great interest” in being with you).
I know you love him and have an amazing connection with him, but you’re ultimately going to be unhappy if he is not available to meet you needs.
Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re losing him. It’s giving him the space to make a decision and get ready for a new relationship, if that is what he wants to do. Because right now he is not ready. These big changes in his life are interfering with your relationship.
You’ll ALWAYS have a connection to him. But whether that connection becomes a new romantic relationship with you is in question because he’s still married and unsure whether he wants to stay married.
Also, sometimes stepping back changes the status quo and gives people greater motivation to get off the fence and make a decision. Either way, you’re not forcing him hand. You’re simply taking care of yourself and your own needs while he takes care of his matters.
And if you are truly meant to be, he will come back around when he is ready and will take meaningful action toward creating a life with you.
I know that’s a lot to think about. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
Blessings,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I myself have been thru a terrible divorce, but now find myself in love with a man that says and I believe to be true, unhappily married for 15yrs or more. They sleep on separate floors of the house (15 or more yrs), have nothing in common but WE get alone like we have known each other for a lifetime. He asked my opinion on how to approach the separation? divorce conversation as I have been there. However, each is different. I can only advise that if I did again I would consult an attorney before I said anything. He naturally doesn’t want to hurt her regardless of not being in love for yrs and there children are in there 20’s and in college away from home. However, memories, the kids come back to what was/is home and as I believe we do truly love each other and want to be together. he is just at that point of beginning where he doesn’t want to loose all his financial investments and neither hurt his “family”. I truly have my gut feeling he is the one, but for my heart should I just step back and wait until it is legal and final before i give? Been here before and I know the scars it leaves on both and could potentially ruin what a great thing we have now, but i would rather step back until he is free and clear..
Hi Susan, Thanks for reaching out. Yes, It’s a good idea to wait until he is divorced and really ready to give your relationship the kind of attention and nurturing it deserves, otherwise you’re going to be in a situation where your needs go unmet and it’s going to make you resent him. And that resentment is going to get in the way of deepening your connection and growing your relationship. It’s in your best interest to wait until he is much further along in the divorce process, if not completely divorced so he is ready and available to have a relationship with you. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi, I’m in a relationship with a separated man. His ex wife moved out in March of 2017 into a home she bought. They sold the house in September and divided the money in half. He was living in the house when I met him he told immediately that he was separated. Somehow I continue to date him as I once was in the same situation back in 2010 when I met my finance who died in 2011. He knew I had not been divorced but wanted to marry me. I did eventually get my divorce. The man I’m seeing has been honest about his situation and we have 6 1/2 months together. We are taking a vacation in 2/18 and I have met his friends, grandchildren and his son. We are actually having dinner together on Saturday. He always talks about our future and being in a long term relationship all his actions are of a man who is in love and wants to make me happy. He and his wife had been distant for many years as they were just housemates. He tells me he wants a future with me and talks about when he retires in three years we will move to Florida and by a home. He does say he’s going to divorce however there is the situation where his exwife wants to remain on his insurance. She is retired I have to find out her age as my girlfriend who is well informed of insurance says she can get her own insurance. He has told me that he never wants to hurt me and that he is being honest with me. My thoughts it does bother me that he’s still married and I do want to bring it up again I thought of discussing the situation during our vacation. He always tells me what can I do to show you that I really love you. I do believe next time he says that I’m going to say get divorced or give me a ring as you are serious about me. What’s your thought on this.
Hi Julia, I hear you and can see why this would be really difficult. It really comes down to what matters to you and what your dealbreakers are. I’m sure his feelings for you are genuine and real and that he really does love you and care about you and want to be with you, but the reality is he is still married. My general advice is to not date or commit to someone who is not available for a commitment to you if commitment is what you want. But if he is doing everything within his power to get divorced, and he is really close to divorce, I might give him a chance, but only if he is moving heaven and earth to get to that point. Your needs matter. And he cannot fully meet your needs if he is married to another woman. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
With love and light,
Melissa
Hi Melissa, am Bernice.
Am dating a married man now but he’s separated… We love each other… But he always quarrel with her wife, the wife is also cheating and live in separate houses… He says he wants to marry again.. He’s tired of his relationship between him and his wife.
Been dating for 3months now and met him only twice…
He says he still has some feelings for her wife but not at head..
He has a son and I also do have a son.. He has agreed to takecare of my son and willing to marry me in the next 2years after divorce… Pls help me out..
Tell me wat to do.
Hi Melissa,
I have been seeing a guys who is separated from his wife.
He told me about his separation on our first date – that they’d been separated for about a year and he hadn’t spoken to her in months and didn’t even know if she was still in the city. He said a complete break was the only way to do it. We haven’t really discussed it since.
However, I recently felt some red flags and cyber stalked him and found wedding photos from only 6 months before we met!
It may sound naive but I do think they’re separated – he lives alone, he bought his own apartment a month before we met, we go on dates in very public places, etc.
However, I don’t know how to broach the fact that he lied about how long they’ve been separated and how recently it actually happened.
Or am I just being very stupid – he lied about when he separated and he’s still newly and happily married?
Hi, I’m currently in a relationship with a guy I met two years ago, at first I didn’t know he was married, we met in 2018, and 2019 I gave birth to his child, and only then did I find out he was married and going through a divorce which was finalized the same year, till today I’m still broken because of the lie he kept from me, I’m finding it hard to move on with the relationship because I still have so many questions to ask him, but Everytime I bring up his marriage we fight, I don’t know what to do because I love him, but still have so many questions to ask
Hi
I just need advise , i am friends with a man that’s in process of divorce , have been friends with him way before heevengot married , we were in college an always been friends, now that he is in the process i just started having feelings for him in a romantic way an i haven’t told him , Im very much aware that he has feelings for me to as he told me , but he doesn’t know how i feel as i’m still treating us as a friendship , i want to be there for him through his divorce, should i still keep quiet about how i feel until its finalized or tell him so that he can know while he is finalizing his documentation .
I just found out the guy I was dating , broke up with and started seeing again , is actually separated and not divorced. He said he was divorced but then told me he was separated . They have lived apart for a few years and do not attend family functions or holidays together. I’m not sure how to feel.
Hello,
I am 21 and my partner is 40. We have been dating for a year now. He is married and has teenage children and he has told me that he is separated from his wife.
At first this was hard to believe as I had to just take his word for it. As time has gone on I do believe that this is the case. Due to numerous reasons, he works in another city, he stays with me even times when he could go back home and see his children. I did message his wife too at some point just to clarify that what he was saying was true. As I thought that if they weren’t together she shouldn’t mind me asking and if they were then we both knew where we stood! As I have been afraid of getting hurt. She never did respond to me but she contacted him and he was not very happy about me going to her.
We have no got over this. We have been doing very well recently, we have been spending a lot of time together whenever he is not at work or with his family he is with me. We have stayed at his place in the city he works and he frequently stays at mine. It is starting to feel serious. He tells me he loves me and how he use to be really unhappy and since I’ve came along I’ve made him happy again.
However, he wants our relationship to be a secret. My family know about him, we work in the same place he doesn’t want anybody knowing about us. And he is very secretive about his phone. I know he texts other women (besides his wife) who he claims are all just friends. Yet he feels the need to hide his phone whenever he is on it? And the other day I asked him if he was serious about us to the point where one day will he introduce me to his family and show me off as his woman. His reply was ‘it is my intention’ and I said like when, when will this happen. And he says it’s not as simple as this, he has things that need to be done etc. Whenever I ask what he gets frustrated and shuts me down. I feel like he wants to believe that he will but I worry that it is not the case. I just really don’t know what to do.
Hello Melissa, I’m currently living with my on and off bf for the past 3 years. He is married but has been putting forth effort to show me that I’m number 1. He even came to see me in another state before I agreed to move back home to be with him full time. Throughout the relationship he has lied and cheated with his wife numerous times. He has introduced me to his family and did things financially to try to persuade me. He brings up that the situation is not permanent but he also have not really made plans to get the divorce. He claims that he’s waiting because he wants to do research and don’t want to end up paying spousal support. We don’t have any issues outside of the marriage one and he treats me better than I have ever been treated. He also gives me support that I don’t get anywhere else. I get in my feelings that when she calls and I see that he calls her when I’m not around. Am I wasting my time or should I be more patient?
Hi mellisa i hope you are still replying to the messages..
I have met this guy in 2018 Dec just after he separated with his wife. We dated and he is one of the kindest man i have ever met… i have 2 kids with different dads from my past relationships and he has 4 kids with different woman in his past relationships too and 1 boy with his current wife.
After we met i had problems that forced me out of where i was staying and since i was not employed he rented a room for me and visited me occasionaly. Where he was staying with his wife they were renting as they came from another province and came here with work.. When the wife left she left most of her belongings at their rented place so after few months of them separating and him paying for my rent we then decided to stop paying for 2 places and find a bigger place for both of us.. Now my problem is that its 2 years and 3 months now since their separation he keeps telling me that he will divorce but doesnt take any action… we have moved from 3 places since we are together and everywhere we go we still take bags of his wife’s clothes everywhere we go… This is breaking my heart as my gut feelings keeps telling me that he is just passing time with me although he has told the wife that its over but i feel like he respects her more than me and he rather hurt me than her. I asked him why dont he take those clothes to her and he said the wife’s parents will be heart broken but what about me