Dear Melissa,
Should I go ahead and ask this man to be in a relationship with me? He is divorced 5 years. He pursued me but I guess he got scared and retreated but I was already hooked.
We continued to get close but I could feel him pushing away or not being as forthcoming as before. I however encouraged him to seek counselling to deal with his issues.
I’m worried that following some type of “rule” saying that men should be the protagonist might make us lose out on something great. I want to lay my cards out and see what he says.
We’ve been friends for about 7 months now. There is huge physical chemistry and we connect on every level; spiritually, mentally and often times emotionally when he isn’t being distant.
I know what people might say but I cannot help the way I feel in my heart knowing we could lose out on something great because I was being “a lady”, waiting on him to come to me.
I don’t plan on being pushy or emotional. I plan on stating my case and hopes he sees how good we could be, because often times he is engrossed in his work.
Do you think I should tell him and risk our friendship as it stands? (Which by the way isn’t progressing much).
Dear Confused Lover,
I feel you.
When you’re in love with someone and you’re unsure about how they feel about you and you’re waiting for them to move the relationship along, it can be really frustrating wondering what they’re really thinking and feeling.
And I know how that ambiguity makes you feel anxious and makes you want to be like “Umm…let’s move things along!” I’ve been there.
The short answer is YES: you should definitely tell him how you feel about him and “lay your cards out on the table.”
Sharing your feelings is a powerful and wonderful way to connect and deepen your relationship and bring him closer to you, even if it is
But I advise against “telling him to be in a relationship” with you.
The reason why I advise against asking “him to be in a relationship” with you is not
But because, in my experience, that doesn’t work for getting the result that you want.
It doesn’t work because asking a man to be in a relationship with you can make him feel pressured (i.e. controlled) which is a total turn off to a man and can actually make a man want to withdraw.
But if you already did this, don’t fret! We can turn it around!
There’s a difference between telling him to do something and sharing your feelings. I’ll explain HOW you do it will make all the difference.
My advice is, instead of asking him to be in a relationship with you, I recommend these two things instead:
- First, Take a deep breath. Release the oars. Sit back and stop rowing the boat. Step out of the energy of chasing and pursuit. It’s stressful. It’s exhausting. And ultimately it’s doesn’t help your cause in deepening your friendship and connecting with his heart.
- Get in touch with what you’re really feeling in your heart. For
example: You’re loving your connection and friendship. You love spending time together and sharing everything that you share. You’re scared of losing the connection you have with him. You’re feeling confused because sometimes there’s a lot of chemistry but sometimes he’s withdrawn. - Share your feelings without making him responsible. Share feelings, not actions. In other words, when you feel tempted to tell him what you want him to do, stop yourself. Instead, connect with his heart by sharing how you feel (not telling him what you think he should do). For example, instead of “I want us to spend more time together,” you can say “ I love spending time with you. I feel so happy when we are together. I’m feeling sad and confused when we don’t connect or spend time together for a long time.” This connects with his
heart, and inspires him to open up to you about how he feels.
See, what you’re looking for here is mutual interest in moving the relationship forward from friendship to dating.
There are a couple of ways you can move this friendship along to a romance in a way that is not pushy or risks turning him off:
1) Be in your feminine power. If you’ve been mostly talking in a friendly context, get a little more flirtatious and see how he responds. Or maybe talk about something on your bucket list in your city and see if he takes the bait in suggesting or evening arranging the both of you go there. If you do, then you have a date!
2) The other option is to be more forward with your feelings instead of simply signaling your feelings. Don’t tell him to be in a relationship with you, but tell him that it would thrill you to spend more time with him and asking how he feels about that. (See the difference between telling what you want him to do versus sharing how you feel and asking how he feels?) The only thing is that approach is more risky in that he might not reciprocate those feelings. But chances are his answer will be more clear about whether he wants to date you/have a romantic relationship with you or not.
The bottom line is: it really comes down to what kind of relationship do you want. You mentioned “there are issues.”
These issues could be keeping him from pursuing a romantic relationship with you.
If a man is ready for a relationship and interested, he’ll do everything within his power to attain what he wants (if he knows what he wants).
A question that sums it up for me as I was reading your question is: What is in the way of him asking you out?
You’ve been friends for seven months, have huge chemistry…if he is showing some romantic interest but it’s stalled for some reason and the friendship hasn’t progressed from friendship to dating…if he is pushing you away, not being forthcoming and you’re unsure if he wants a romantic relationship with you, chances are he’s not feeling ready right now and needs to resolve some things on his end to feel ready and to have the mental and emotional availability to devote to a romantic relationship.
But you can get him to open up about his feelings (using the methods that I recommended) so you can get more information to decide what you want to do.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
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When I do that, he doesn’t tell me how he feels. He just wants me to visit.
Hi,
Great blog! I am in that situation where the guy is not ready, but still flirts, calls, etc. I let him initiate so that I can really get a true feeling of his interest. We are just friends (no benefits). I set the boundaries back in Sept when he shared he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He has an in-between job and has been searching for a career. opportunity.
Since Sept, we’ve actually been to the movies, gone for coffee, worked out together and stayed in touch. I have been so happy with just being around him and feel respected. I’m so thankful I didn’t lose a friend.
However, as time has gone by and we continue to click, I can’t help but feel rejected. It’s very obvious there’s attraction and chemistry. I think …what a wimpy and convenient excuse he gave me? Is it fake? Am I just occupying his time while he finds another girl. I don’t mind being patient, but it just doesn’t add up. I feel extremely teased and frankly wish he’d just go away so I can move on.
What would you do to appear desirable, but not give off a vibe that you are bothered? All of a sudden don’t answer his calls and say that I’m busy when I run into him? Engage less, but still be sweet?
What to do, ugh.
Hi Sarah, Thanks so much for bringing up this point! The key is in directly asking him what he thinks. I should have put that in the article! 🙂 After you share your feelings, you’ve opened your heart, then be sure to solicit his thoughts. You can simply say “what do you think about that?” I hope this is helpful to you!
Best,
Melissa
Hi Mo, This is a really great question!
I feel you. It’s hard when you feel so much attraction and chemistry and fun between you but he’s not making a move.
What I remind you is: You’re the catch.
What I do in my work with women is really help them get deeply in touch with how they’re feeling so they can be true to themselves. The chemistry and attraction can distract us from all that.
So I encourage you to pay attention to how you’re feeling. If this doesnt feel good to you (ultimately), you don’t have to subject yourself to being teased. You don’t have to subject yourself to being “bothered.”
You ALWAYS have the choice to move on. You’re always in charge of how you choose to spend your valuable time. 🙂
So yes, you’re absolutely on the right track. If you don’t like the feeling of being so available to him —> Be less available.
But not as a ploy or an act. But as a way to reclaim your power. Don’t just say you’re busy or have plans. Actually have plans. Start to engage in additional activities that really fill and nourish your SOUL.
You can absolutely still stay sweet, warm, and open to him…you can still stay connected to him and maintain or even grow your friendship…but don’t subject yourself to anything that doesn’t feel right to you.
The void that’s created by your “stepping back” will inspire him to behave differently — often to get closer to you to fill that void.
I hope this is helpful to you!
Best,
Melissa