Have you ever been in a relationship that you know isn’t right for you, but you just can’t let him go?
That basically sums up my relationships in my twenties. In retrospect, it was a time in my life when I was really struggling.
When I was growing up, the messages giving to me by my mother and grandmothers were that if I wanted to be loved, I had to be loveable.
And that if I wasn’t being loved in my relationships, then there must have been something that I was doing (or not doing) that was making me unloveable.
So I spent the better part of each relationship trying to be who my boyfriend wanted me to be.
As a result, I had never let myself be who I truly was when I was dating.
I spent a lot of time “proving” I was lovable.
And it was devastating to me when I wasn’t loved back.
I realize now that I was really confused about what it meant to love and be loved. I had been confusing love and emotional attachment and I had no idea then what the difference was.
A common problem that occurs for singles is the experience of a relationship ending but the resulting feelings of emptiness and loss continuing for many months or longer.
They know perhaps the relationship was not healthy, or that they are better off without the other person but they still feel “hooked” despite knowing the person wasn’t right for them. They might also know their relationship relationship requirements were not being met, but they cannot get the person “out” of them.
This problem can be true for the breakup of committed relationships as well. Getting a divorce does not necessarily erase your love for, or your attachment to, your ex.
In my experience and opinion, what makes breaking up really difficult and painful to do is more than love; it is emotional attachment.
What Is Emotional Attachment?
Emotional attachment can mean many things, ranging from emotional affection to physical affixation.
Psychologists have whole theories around attachment and identify clinical disorders caused by it. For our purposes, though, we can define attachment simply as a “strong emotional bond.”
We humans get attached. Sometimes we get attached to objects like cars, houses, money, books, clothes, etc.
We get attached to routines (e.g. washing your hands), beliefs (e.g. killing is wrong), sensations and experiences (e.g. the taste of sugar), activities (e.g. work), and people.
In the extreme case, sometimes our emotional attachment can be an addiction.
How Are Love and Emotional Attachment Different?
Love and attachment seem pretty interconnected, but they are distinctly different.
Without going into highly debatable explanations and theories, I would say that love is a positive feeling toward something or somebody, and attachment is an emotional need for something or somebody.
The major difference is that love is a feeling directed toward the “other” (the other person, place or thing), while attachment is a self-centered—meaning based on fulfilling your need.
Needs versus Neediness
We all have needs and it’s really important that our needs are met in our relationships, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to be happy in them, right? But then what’s the difference between having needs and “being needy”?
Juxtaposing these two concepts can give us some valuable clues about creating successful relationships.
Here is what comes up for me:
Needs
1. Are normal, valid, important
2. Are present in everyone, including healthy, successful people
3. Necessary to survive and thrive
4. Best met by taking responsibility, initiative
5. Unmet needs stimulate action
6. Most effectively met by being assertive
7. Met needs results in contentment
8. Ability to get needs met tends to attract others
Neediness
1. Comes from desperation, helplessness
2. Driven by emotional deficits
3. Externalized problem and solution
4. Results in helpless/victim position
5. Insatiable, always needing more
6. Results in repelling others
Quite a contrast! Needs are present in all of us, and are not a problem or sign of weakness. We need to sleep and eat, we need light to see, we need love and relationships.
Our ability to identify our needs and get them met determines our level of happiness and success.
However, neediness tends to be a sieve that will be empty regardless of how much you put into it.
In my work, I help women identify their relationship requirements, Functional and Emotional needs, and I coach them toward how to get those needs and relationship requirements met in their life and relationships.
relationship requirements are core, basic needs that are often relationship-breakers if unmet. For example, monogamy and having children might be a relationship requirement for some people. Needs are events that must happen for you to survive and thrive.
Functional Needs are the events you need to happen for your life and relationship to function optimally, such as earning money to pay bills, helping with chores and child-rearing, etc.
Emotional Needs are what you need to feel loved, such as your partner calling if they will be late, being greeted with a hug, etc.
Occasionally, a client will express an issue with identifying their needs or relationship requirements, interpreting doing so as a sign of weakness, pointing out the need for us to take responsibility for our needs and not rely on a partner to meet them.
While I agree with the value of taking responsibility for our needs, the reality is that we need a partner able to meet them, and the relationship may fail if there is not enough alignment or compatibility to meet each other’s needs and/or relationship requirements.
Coming back to how needs relate to attachment…If we find that we are having a lot of difficulty letting go of a relationship that we know doesn’t work for us (a relationship in which our needs and relationship requirements are not being met), chances are that our desire to hold on to the relationship is less about love and more about our own fears, loneliness, and sometimes desperation to fulfill our own emotional needs.
What to Do About Emotional Attachment
This is not to say that we shouldn’t have needs in a relationship or that it’s not ok to have those needs met.
The difference is, when we’re in attachment, we’re holding the other person responsible for fulfilling our needs rather than owning that responsibility ourselves.
We’re relinquishing our creative power, our resourcefulness. And that’s why it feels so difficult to let go.
We’re looking to our partner to, on some level, to make us whole.
Letting Go of Emotional Attachment
The first step to letting go of an attachment is to be clear about love versus attachment:
- Understanding the difference (e.g. attachment is based on a self-centered need and is not the same as love)
- Understanding the implications (e.g. attachment is about me and my needs)
- Understanding the consequences (e.g. if I continue to pursue a relationship that doesn’t work I’m setting myself up for failure)
- Acknowledge and honor the needs that are driving you to pursue an attachment that isn’t working by finding ways to satisfy your needs productively. It is hard to let go if doing so means falling into a chasm of pain and emptiness.
- Get the support you need to move on and pursue involvement in activities and with people that are productive for you. A coach and/or support group is great for this.
So for example, if you’re dating a separated and divorcing man and you want to have a normal social life with him like meet and hang out with him and his friends out in public but he is resistant to the idea because his divorce is pending and he worries about what his ex might do, this situation might really frustrate you. If it really frustrates you and feels like a deal-breaker for you, you might have a need for your partner to be available to date and to be able to date out in the open.
Being able to recognize our own needs, wants, and relationship requirements is super important because that awareness can help us decide whether you’re going to be happy in that relationship.
But having needs is not the same as being needy. Being needy would be like trying to make him responsible for fulfilling that need even though he isn’t available to fulfill it.
Whereas being in non-attachment and consciously making space for the kind of love and relationship that you truly want might be recognizing that perhaps your needs aren’t being met in this relationship/situation and maybe you will be happier in a different relationship.
Non-attachment emanates from a sense of wholeness and inner resourcefulness whereas attachment ultimately stems from a sense of lack.
So if you find yourself in or bordering on attachment, bring your awareness to how you’re feel and what thoughts are coming up…what is the need that is longing to be fulfilled?
What about this relationship are you feeling attached to?
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to sign-up for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
Dear Melissa,
I really enjoyed reading this article. It was so insightful and so well written. Lots of food for thought.
Thank you so much, Ellen! So happy you got value out of it 🙂
[…] you be attached? Could your sense of self-worth be tied up in outcomes over which you have no […]
[…] wrote an article on the difference between love and attachment that you might find […]
[…] http://happyhealthyrelationship.com/difference-between-love-and-emotional-attachment/ […]
[…] Often, it’s the difference between love and the attachment. […]
[…] Sometimes we begin to internalize the problem and blame ourselves for things not working, which can often signify an unhealthy attachment in the relationship. […]
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for the amazing article. It has really helped me gain a new perspective.
Could I seek your advice on a matter?
I have this female friend of mine that broke up some 8 months ago with her bf, reason being her bf was not able to give her the time and attention she needed. She herself admitted that she was rather needy as well. I think it boils back to her family problems where she hasn’t had family love since young.
However, just 3 weeks ago, her ex came round again and started trying to chase her back. The way I see him chase her back is really making use of her neediness and fear of lack of love, whereby he makes her angry now and then, (e.g. promising to meet up but subsequently cancelling it, making her feel really annoyed). From reading your article, it seems like she has fallen into what you mention as emotional attachment instead of Love.
Unfortunately soon after, he managed to get her back as he convinced her that he has “changed”. This happened despite me remembering her still being very frustrated and sighing constantly when she told me she got back together with the guy. I did not ask for details but I don’t think they are very happy anymore. I remember one thing she mentioned when she got back with her ex is that “its the happy feelings we used to have” that she can’t let go.
She used to be a very independent and confident lady but now she is no longer so, pinning all her future on the bf.
I would like to ask, is there any way to help her with it? Or help her out of it?
Personally I feel her relationship has become emotional attachment instead of love (could i also call this a Toxic Relationship?). I truthfully feel that she is already under the guy’s manipulation. It really worries and hurts me to see her like this.
Thank you for taking time to read this.
Best regards,
Wilson
Hi Wilson, Thanks so much for your comment! I feel your frustration. It’s hard watching someone we care about get hurt over and over again but they don’t do anything to change it or make excuses for their partner’s bad behavior.
You’re right. She could be in a toxic relationship, especially if she is losing her sense of self….like losing her self-confidence and becoming sad and obsessive…and hanging on to the relationship less out of love and more out of fear.
I’ve been there. I’ve been the woman to whom people have said “what do you see in him?” “Why are you with him?” The problem in these situations is that she can’t see the forest for the trees. She is so preoccupied with trying to survive emotionally, that there isn’t any mental or emotional energy to consider her vision for the life and relationship that she really wants—what really makes sense for her long-term happiness—and whether being in this relationship is supporting her vision.
Choosing to leave the relationship is ultimately her choice. But there are some things that you can do to help shine a light on her situation:
Reflection
She confides in you. You hear about all the stuff that’s going on. Reflect it back to her and, as best you can, do it without judgment. Reflect it back with compassion and empathy. When she complains of him ditching her at the last minute all the time, tell it right back to her in her own words. “He canceled on me again! I’m really hurt and disappointed.” … “He canceled on you again? I know that must hurt. I can see why you would be disappointed.” You might get tired of hearing the same sad story over and over again. But her telling the story is different from her hearing it. And sometimes her hearing it over and over again can help her eventually see the madness of the situation.
Heart-to-heart talk
If you have the kind of relationship with her where she welcomes your unsolicited advice, having a heart to heart talk with her about your observations might help. But you only get to do it once. The thing about giving unsolicited advice is that people often get defensive. So that’s why you only get to do it once. You lay your cards out on the table, let her know in a compassionate way how you feel, what you’ve observed and why you’re telling her this, and then she can choose what she wants to do with that advice.
I know it’s hard to witness as a bystander and as a friend. But ultimately, it’s her choice whether she wants to walk away. Maybe it will take getting her heart broken over and over again until she’s sick and tired of being hurt. Or maybe her emotional health will suffer so much that she will seek the help of a mental health professional and finally heal those childhood wounds.
I know it’s hard but I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for the advice! It has been really helpful. Shall try to put them into play when possible.
*Fingers-crossed*
Hope I will be able to help my friend out with this.
Thank you so much Melissa! 😀
Best regards,
Wilson
You’re so welcome! 🙂
pls I Nid ur help. am involved with two guys not intentionally but happened that I grew up with MR A wen I was 16 he asked me out he was my first boyfriend but 3months later I happened to see a text he sent to another girl he told me she was a very good friend of his but after one week broke the news that he was dating her.I broke up wt him
2years later we were in same university he was 3yrs ahead of me not known anyone in school but him we became close n as naive as I was we started making out I was always hurt cause the picture same girl I brk up wit him about was all over the room.
I ended the flare wen I fell in love with MR B he made realize how beautiful,desirable n talented i was. but he is a critics I try to be my nicest self arud him. He has broken up wit me more than I can count sometimes of being insecure since we were in different cities.
Now MR As girl brk up wt him same time my MR B n I had a serious brk up. it looked perfect n we got along fine but now MR A though told me he’s not involved with his ex anymore but still uses her picture n name as phone n laptop password n dp. while MR B is back loving as before n more
But am scared of being myself with MR B even though I don’t judge his flaws or anyone n MR A says am his emotionally attached friend. WHAT DO I DO
Hi Kyleey,
Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel you. It sounds like Mr A might not yet be over his previous relationship. It’s hard to tell without more information, but one way to tell if he is not yet over his ex is if he still has a lot of emotional energy about his past relationship.
As far as being scared to be yourself with Mr B, I feel your concern. I know sometimes it is scary to be who we are with someone because we’re unsure if they’re going to accept us or pull away. And sometimes our own baggage and insecurities can interfere with our being able to trust the affections that other people give us. So I would encourage you to take a look at whether you own baggage might be getting in the way (I linked to some resources that might be helpful to you).
And sometimes it can be hard to tell whether we’re being insecure or if our intuition is picking up on a red flag.
It can be scary to show up authentically and tell someone who we feel when we are unsure of our self. But showing up as who we are is the best way to attract someone who can love and adore us for who we are.
I’ll be hosting a webinar next week that you might find helpful: The 5 Keys to Relationship Success: How to Know If He’s Right for You and the Secrets to Manifesting a Deeply Fulfilling Relationship.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I’ve always thought that I’ve moved too quickly (about 2 months) into the relationship after leaving a very bad relationship of 8 years. I do love my current bf, and I used to see a future with him, but I’m afraid that I haven’t dated enough. I’m wondering though, if what I’m feeling is emotional attachment because we’ve been together so long, or do I really love him. Is there a way to tell the difference? Can love grow from emotional attachment? I’m afraid that I fell for him because I needed him at the time; sort of a catalyst to get out of my bad situation. I do love him, but I am afraid that maybe I’m not in love because I keep having doubts.
Hi Den, Thanks for reaching out. I feel you. Love and attachment are really rooted in different things. Attachment is rooted in fear. It’s the feeling of needing someone to complete you or complete your life, and you would feel a great sense of enduring emptiness, maybe even depression, if they were not in your life—you would not “be ok” if they were not in your life; you would almost feel like you can’t survive physically and/or emotionally without them.
Love and attachment are not exclusive of each other. I think it is possible to feel both at the same time. You could certainly be feeling both love and attachment.
I would encourage you to examine… what fears are coming up. How do WANT to feel? Is your relationship with him aligned with your vision for the kind of life and relationship that you really want?
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
melissa
Hello,
I have a friend that is going through a tough time with her husband.
She’s told me on numerous occasions that she believes he’s using drugs.
About a month ago she finally caught him using, but she still isn’t convinced to leave him.
She says “He said he stopped and he is applying to jobs.”
But as a friend, I feel like I should tell her he’s probably lying…
She’s paid for the majority of their finances for most of this year,
and I can see how much this relationship has drained her.
Now she’s asking me “If he turns around his act should I stop the divorce proceedings?
Or should I continue with the divorce?”( –For protection of her future and well-being.)
I told her that’s a tough one and she has to think about that…but I honestly have no idea what to say…
Hi Trisha, I’m so sorry I missed your comment. I feel your concern. I know it is hard to see your friend so distressed.
It sounds like her husband might have an addiction problem. She needs a lot of support as there are a lot of things that she needs to consider.. logistically, financially, emotionally….
I don’t know how long she has been married or whether they have children….but she might benefit from seeing a counselor or a support group, one who specializes in counseling the spouses of addicts….as she needs to sort out for her herself whether she should stay with him or whether she should leave…and I bet there is a lot of sort out (logistically, financially, emotionally, etc).
As a friend, I would offer her unconditional empathy. Ask her what help does she need in order to make a decision that feels right for her. Ask her how you can support her. True, he might be lying. But I would be careful to not offer her speculative information because it could further confuse and complicate her decision process. She needs to make a decision based on truth and clarity. She needs to be true to herself. Support her in discovering what it means to be true to herself and what she truly wants.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Warm greetings Melissa,
She just let me know he’s moving out soon,
so now it will be a bit easier to help support her with her decisions.
Lucky they have no kids together.
I will definitely tell her about counselors and support groups for spouses of addicts.
I’ll be showing her your website too.
This is one of the best relationship websites out there.
Thank you for your advice and helping me remain an unbiased friend.
Blessings,
Trisha
Hi Trisha, You’re so welcome! Thank you so much for the update. I’m happy I could help in some way. 🙂 And I’m so glad to hear that the content on the website is helpful. Feel free to reach out if anything else comes up!
All the best,
Melissa
please send free GUIDE “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating a Divorced (or Divorcing) Man.”
Hi Laura, Sure! The guide can be downloaded here through entering your name and email address and the guide will be sent to your inbox right away. 🙂 http://happyhealthyrelationship.com/how-to-decide-if-this-relationship-is-right-for-you/
All the best,
Melissa
Melissa, thank you for this amazing article. I have been stuck in a loop for a while and am hoping you can please give me some advice…
I am dating someone in the military and it is long distance about 6 hours away. We started off talking, are complete opposites but compliment each other well. Weve gone on trips together and after his deployment, we spent even more time together ( I would drive down to see him as he is unable due to his work). We enjoy each other’s company, have many things in common and are different where I am more emotional and he is not. We communicate well but we were trying to compromise with each other and take our time.
It’s been a year and a half and I feel like weve stopped moving forward. I want a relationship deeper and due to our past relations, we thought it’d be better to slow down and just be exclusive. However now I feel a need for that loving connection and that physical intimacy which I feel we’ve lost. For him, he’s happy enough just holing me but I want more. I have this need or neediness to feel important in some way in someone else’s life when they are somewhat important in my own.
Just recently he said he doesn’t believe while he’s in the military he can give me what I need. He knows he doesn’t give me what I deserve and he doesn’t feel ready to let go of his own selfish needs although he really wants to continue things later. I feel like he’s afraid and at the same time, am I afraid to let go of what I want? Am I being selfish? I feel like I’m time I accept and have fallen in love with the person he is regardless of our differences. I want him to be happy as he wants of me. But I’m afraid of him sleeping with or finding someone else or being more casual in the process, giving someone else things I’ve wanted included in our own relationship ship without having tone commit. He says that’s not what he’s focused on right now. But I’m worried. I told him I can’t just talk with him as a friend and refuse to just start over and go even slower than I already have. We’re both torn apart by this right now.
Is this attachment? I really hope it’s not. I think we’ve both reached a peak. I’m tried of being patient and he’s tired of moving forward. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to him and keep our connection open but I’m afraid of what I’d do in the process. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I think I do love him and I want him to be happy and he’s helped inspire me into a better version of myself. I want to continue thato with him but I’m scared. I want to continue to do the same for him but not at the expense of me not getting what I want in return.
Is this wrong and attachment?
HI Tina, You’re so welcome! I’m glad the content is helpful to you.
I hear you. I can see why it might be frustrating and scary. But it’s not attachment and you’re not being selfish.
Whenever we experience issues in our relationship, it’s because we have needs or requirements that are not being met. All needs and requirements are valid. They are unique to you, your values, and the experience that you want to create for yourself in this life.
Requirements are dealbreakers. They are non-negotiable for you..meaning if one requirement was not present, the relationship would not work for you. They are qualities and behavioral events in a relationship…for example “fidelity, mutual respect, loves children, etc.” Needs are functional and emotional needs in a relationship that are still very important to you, but they’re not dealbreakers. For example, you might have an emotional need for appreciation or a functional need for punctuality/planning, but maybe you wouldn’t necessarily END the relationship if he were late to a date or failed to show appreciation for something. But needs and requirements are related in that they can be gradations of one another.
What’s important is to get clear on what your needs and requirements are, and also assess your relationship readiness and your partner’s readiness, and then talk about it; see how aligned you are in terms of your individual needs and requirements. And then given that awareness, ask yourself “Are you a good long-term match?”
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Thank you so much for sharing this article , I am really struggling to feel happy because I have become so emotionally attached to a married man.
We have such a deep connection and so much love for one another but its not going to go any further, we also live in different countries now but still speak every day, I miss him so much it feels like its breaking my heart. I dont want to loose contact with him, I don’t want to loose his friendship, I know its never going to be anything more than it was and I would just like to stop feeling so emotional and sad about the situation and be happy again.
I know this was wrong of us as he is married.
I would just really appreciate your advice.
Kind regards
Hi Michaela, Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel you. It’s really wonderful to find someone with whom you connect with so deeply. But I know it’s really hard when he’s not available for the kind of relationship that you really want. I know that’s heartbreaking.
The important thing is to turn your attention to you and your needs…and practice the art of self-care. When we become attached, what’s happening is we are looking to the other person to fill a void within us. When we practice the art of self-care, we look to our inner resources to to fill that void, we look toward our own power to make our self feel whole. Or rather, rediscover our wholeness.
A couple of books I recommend are Women Who Love Too Much and The Art of Extreme Self-Care. They have been very helpful to me when I have felt stuck and emotionally attached.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Mellisa, nice to see your thoughts of answering this issues. I have something to asking you. I’m in love with this man, i feel comfort to be with him because we like many things in common, is also a singer on a band and he has a girlfriend and also still get in touch with his ex before he married his exwife , he said that i’m a second person who make him feel secure or trust to tell about his reason to divorce and afterall i can assume that he kinda has trauma by his divorce because his exwife give him negative vibes by her mental illness and he doesn’t know about it before he decided to marry her. I’m falling in love with him before meet him but because lastyear we have a short chatt and have deep conversation about life, he suddenly want to meet me (finally) and after that time until now i am really fallin in love with him, i always see his face on my mind. When i spent my first time to chill on his house just both of us, i write something on a paper and leave it on his table. I said “if you willing i am willing to be your future wife and want to experience the life with you” and then he text me and reply with some mainstream quotes “everything you are going through is preparing you for what you wished for” of course its make me feel confuse because his answer. But then i realize it and here we go , i have a plan about staying in europe for work . And i still fallin in love with him and really want to make sure about his answer , because his answer will make sure my decision to go (go from him and from our country) . What should i do? Thanks for paying attention, lots of love from here haha.
Hi Ruth, Thanks so much for reaching out. I hear your concern. I know that is really hard to decide. One way to approach this is to really look at your experience with him and try to determine his readiness for a relationship. Like is he ready for a relationship after divorce and is he over his ex-wife? I linked some articles there that might be helpful to you. Because if you get into a relationship with him and he is not really ready, you’ll risk getting your heart broken. I hope this help provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi mellissa. I hv read your article and need help to clarify weather what I am experiencing is emotional attachment or love.
Unlike other people who have posted, I am a student in my final year. I had a crush on my classmates and on telling him that I had feelings for him, it sort of ruined our friendship and made things owkward between us.that was four years ago and over the years I have tried to meet other guys and make my relationships work, but whenever I saw him in class I could feel that I cared for him more than I did my boyfriend. It was diverstating for me and I decided to end my relationship and be on my own. I couldn’t hv a relationship at the same time am thinking and dreaming of someone else.
There are instances when I want to just face him and tell him that I still do care about him but I keep comforting myself that I hv it all under control and once am done with my degree I will find someone else that I will fall for and love equally.
I hv talked to lots of my friends and they all suggest that I should let him know how I still feel about him but I refuse. Deep down I know that I care alot about him but am scared that if I do this I will be giving away apart of me to someone who might not be feeling the same way. I don’t want to regret in future for confiding this feelings to myself infear of his responce and I also don’t understand why I do Care about him this much. I might be set to talk to him then he does something that changes my mind and I just rub it off…..
I don’t have any emotional desires for him yet i hv this dreams with him and I get shaky and super excited when he is around me. Though I tend to hide it and avoid showing him that I still care.
I hv been through this for five years and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
Please advise.
Charity
To add on my comment, I believe that my classmate has a girlfriend,it never bothers me but when I see him with his female friends especially when hugging, i get jealous and i feel this pain in my heart that stops me from talking to him untill when he comes around. It’s nit easy for me given that he controls alot of my life when it comes to moods mood changes, happiness and concentration in class. I only hv a month a some weeks before we finish college and the idea of parting ways and not seeing him more often breaks my heart…
I hv exams and project work but I cnt recollect myself….What do I do
Thanks for taking your time to read.
Charity
Hi Charity, Thanks for reaching out. I hear you. I know this is a very difficult situation to be in. And it’s hard when he’s there in your class because it’s awkward.
It’s possible to experience both love and attachment at the same time. But whether it is love or attachment, it sounds like he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings for him. You told him how you felt four years ago and then things became awkward between the two of you because he didn’t feel the same way.
What sounds like is happening is that you have a very strong attraction to him, and it is really interfering with you ability to concentrate and have other healthy, loving relationships because you are thinking about him a lot and are strongly attracted to him.
If he is seeing someone else and if it is otherwise clear that he does not have feelings for you, I would not tell him how you feel about him because if he hasn’t given you clear signals that he is interested in a romantic relationship with you…then you are just setting yourself up for more rejection if you tell him how you feel.
You deserve to be with someone who is excited to be with you! You just haven’t met him yet. But he’s out there looking for you, too. But as long as you’re focusing on your classmate, it’s interfering with you ability to make space in your life for the man of your dreams.
So instead of focusing on him, I would encourage you to focus on other things that make you feel happy and alive. What is the vision that you have for the life that you really want to live? What are you looking forward to after your studies. Shift your focus to the things in your life that excite you, light you up and that you CAN control. Because you can’t control his feelings for you, but you can control what you focus on.
And the less you focus on him, the less anxious you will feel.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Thank you Melissa… Your response has inspired me to dedicate my time on what makes me happy.
It have also made me realize that am capable of love and there is someone out there for me. It just took me so long to realize it.
Charity
I also have another bugging question.
I have had several guys interested in me within the four years and some still are to date. I pushed them away bcz I wasn’t sure I would ever learn to love them. My Ex is still in persuit and he sometimes makes jokes that if he got a chance he would make me pregnant to tie me up.
My worry is I hv a master’s scholarship and am flying out of the country in September God willing and I will be gone for 2 1/2 years. Do you think it’s best for me to just focus on my studies and start over somewhere else or should I give him another chance for this three months before I leave.
And is it possible that he means it when he says he loves me or could it be possible that he just wants payback for damping him.
Thank you for taking your time to read my post.
Regards Charity.
You’re so welcome, Charity! I’m glad it was helpful to you! Yes, you ARE capable of love and the love of your life is looking for you, too!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Charity, I hear you. That’s a great question. You might find my article on relationship readiness helpful. Take a look at the questions and statements and ask yourself if you feel you’re ready for a serious relationship right now.
If there’s anything in your life right now or in the near future that will interfere with the success of a new relationship, I would hold off on trying to start a serious relationship if you’re just going to leave in a few months because that will be really hard on both of you.
If you want to date guys recreationally (like just for fun, no commitments) before you have to leave, I think that would be fine. But continue to focus on living your dream, living your vision and going for your career pursuits because it sounds like that is really important to you and makes you feel happy and fulfilled. If you ex is really serious about wanting a relationship with you, he will find a way to reconnect with you.
But don’t deny your dreams in order to try and make a relationship work because being able to live your vision is really important to your long-term happiness in a committed relationship. The main reason couples divorce is that they feel they’re not living their vision or able to live their vision while together.
Congratulations on your scholarship!
All the best,
Melissa
Thank you Melissa…….
You are a great inspiration to me.
You’re so welcome, Charity!
[…] Emotional Attachment Versus Love: Is There A Difference? by Melissa Josue […]
As a practicing physician with 38 years of knowledge and experiences in human psychology, personality disorders, gender differences, I would like to bring to attention of all women in the WORLD, men approach a women JUST for their own NEEDS. when men want sex, food or get over of their own negative emotions and looking for a scapegoat, they to women. They know NOTHING about LOVE as women think. I read a book written about this subject by a couple, the best advise that I learned from this book was ” Do not try to change men, go take care of yourself “. I personally have reached to the wisdom that I do not want to spend even 5 minutes with a man. Thank you. Dr. Blair.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Dr. Blair! 🙂
Hi Melissa.
How do I stay happy being single? Since the last three years, I have had two relationships, but the happiness was short-lived. I still regret my decisions because they were great friends of mine. However, things went awfully when we were in a relationship. In the initial days, everything was great. But as time passed, there were misunderstandings every time we conversed. Misunderstandings resulted in arguments and I ended up being blamed. Melissa, I don’t know what to do. Is it wrong to be jealous if our partner compares us with other girls and expects us to be like them? Is it wrong to expect emotional satisfaction from a relationship? We even tried to make amends, in both the relationships. In the first relationship, my partner refused to listen to me and stopped talking to me altogether. The second relationship was tougher than the first because we broke up several times, tried to make amends, there were arguments and then we broke up and stopped talking. This continued up to 2 yrs. Until today. When i came across ur article and I now know its not love but emotional attachment which i am unable to let go of.
Melissa, it is a humble request from a fan. Could u please post more and more articles on how women can keep themselves emotionally, sexually satisfied without needing someone? Since the source of all problems arising in a relationship is self-dissatisfaction which gives rise to problems like insecurity, loneliness, distrust which further worsens a relation through misunderstandings, arguments, and even worse emotional detachment & infidelity. Several women have problems in their relationships, in one form or the other. They try to share it, hide it, solve it themselves or take help of a coach. Is there any permanent way to deal with relationships without getting ourselves hurt as well as satisfying the other person? I have so many questions in my mind. But the first sentence is my primary question. I wish u were live to discuss the day-to-day issues or the self-created problems faced by people in their relationships.
Thank you for the article Melissa.
I was wondering if you could help me decide if I’m being needy and I’m attached to this person or are my needs not being met and this isn’t the right relationship for me.
I’ve nearly broken up with him a thew times because of this, but he doesn’t seem to change. So I’m wondering if it’s me with the problem or him. We’re not living together, I’ve been in this relationship for 3 months.
I’m the one who keeps us in contact. He makes promises he can’t keep. He say he’ll phone me but he never does. He thinks a message from facebook messenger with a meme or some silly video or just a message is good enough.
He makes plans or suggestions and almost instantly doesn’t follow through with them. He’ll make the plan or suggestion to me and then tell me all the things he needs to do before meeting me and by the time he’s finished doing all these things it will be late and I’ll only get to see him for about 20 – 30 minutes at the most. I’d probably have to meet him half-way, which is at the train station. The buses would have stopped by then and I don’t drive so it would be a long walk to meet him (possibly in the dark on my own) and then a long walk back in the dark on my own. He doesn’t live fare from the train station, so it’s not as hard for him too meet me. He expects me to accept that we can only meet up as and when after he has finished work for about 20 – 30 at the most – usually at the nearest pub. He is interested in taking me to bed when we get the chance. I’ve told him that these things hurt my feelings, but he doesn’t change. I’ve explained to him that I understand he’s been working a lot and I’m not upset by it. I’ve also explained to him that this doesn’t seem like a relationship to me, that it’s more like a friends with benefits scenario. He doesn’t like it when I confront him with these things. For example, when he says to me, “I’ll phone you later.” I know he won’t because he never does, he’ll say to me, “all I expect you to say is, ok speak to you soon.” It’s like he doesn’t want to hear about his faults. He wants me to agree with him and lie to myself, because we both know it’s not going to happen. He’s been doing these things for a long time. He hasn’t been any different. What do you think Melissa?
Just so everyone knows this was before the covid lockdown.
I asked him about being and he does want to be. He wants a this thing we got going on.