He’s handsome, fun-loving, and you like him a lot… But he’s also recently (maybe very recently) divorced, and you’re wondering if dating this man is a good idea.
You probably have a million questions on your mind.
“Should I continue to see him?”
“Is he over his ex wife?”
“What am I really in for?”
It’s totally normal to feel like you want to step on the brakes and proceed with caution.
Some people might automatically say you shouldn’t date anyone who falls into this category, but I’m not a fan of telling someone whether they should or shouldn’t date someone. Those are very personal decisions.
My approach is to help you get super realistic about what you want, and what you’re getting into, so that you can make your decision to stay or leave as consciously as possible.
With that said, if you meet someone you’re really attracted to, but the ink on his divorce papers hasn’t yet had time to dry, you are going to need to approach some things differently if you want to minimize the risk of getting your heart broken.
What to Consider When Dating a Recently Divorced Man
Most experts agree that a recent divorce is one that happened within the last year or two.
Divorces, like men, come in all shapes, sizes, and situations. Sometimes there are amicable divorces; sometimes there are epic divorces that last years and years with lots of “collateral damage.”
But if you’re dating recreationally and not considering him as a long-term partner, then these questions might not matter as much, since you’re not concerned with long-term compatibility.
But if you are considering him as possible life-partner, it’s good to know what you’re getting into, so you can decide, very consciously, whether you want to wade into deeper levels of commitment with him. Here are some questions to consider:
How recent was his divorce and what were the circumstances?
Did he leave her? Did she leave him? Was there infidelity? Was the divorce mutual? It’s good to know why they decided to split up and how the split went.
If you’ve been dating for a while and are looking to continue seeing each other, especially if you are dating with the intention of looking for a life partner, it’s not unreasonable to ask about the circumstances of his divorce.
Was the divorce mutual? How do he and his ex feel about the divorce?
If, for example, his ex-wife is bitter about the divorce, it’s good to know that going into your relationship, because it will likely affect her feelings about you (if she knows about you) and (worst-case) how she treats her ex-husband and the kids. Or if he’s really bitter about the divorce, his unresolved feelings about the divorce might affect your relationship.
What is the custody arrangement? Do they have any mutual property or investments that they will continue to share? Does he need to pay alimony?
If he has kids, then you want to know what the arrangement is, so you can know what to expect when it comes to him providing childcare, and communication with the mother of his children.
Typically, when a divorce is final, it means that both parties have reached an agreement on custody and how to split up their mutual assets such as the house, investments, the pets, etc. Sometimes, a couple might choose to divorce but still remain partners in an investment, or still co-own a property.
It’s good to know what to expect, because the custody arrangement might affect how often you get to spend time with your partner, and how to pace the relationship. Knowing whether your partner still shares property with his ex, or whether he needs to pay alimony, will help manage your expectations when it comes to his financial obligations.
Does he still communicate with his ex? If so, why?
He may need to communicate with his ex because even if the divorce is final, they might have other things to work out like childcare, or questions and issues about the property they co-owned.
But knowing if they still communicate, and why, will help you manage your own expectations about your relationship with him.
The Right Amount of Time to Wait before Dating
When it comes to determining how much time is the “right amount of time” for someone to wait before they start dating after a separation or divorce, my advice is that if they ultimately want a happy, healthy relationship… They will set themselves up for better relationship success if they date when they’re available to date, and when they have a clear intention on why they want to date.
Should you date a recently divorced man? It really depends on what matters to you in a relationship. What are your needs, wants, and relationship requirements for a fulfilling relationship, and how aligned are your needs, wants, and relationship requirements with the life and circumstances of the man you’re dating?
Depending on the circumstances of his divorce or separation, men who are recently divorced or separated are the least likely to be emotionally available for a new relationship. This is because they might still be recovering from their recent breakup; the painful emotions, anger, and sense of loss might still be very fresh and raw.
But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it. It really depends on where his readiness is, and whether your experience of him meets your relationship relationship requirements. He might have been divorced for a year and totally over his ex-wife, and the situation and they have is an amicable co-parenting agreement. Maybe he’s ex-wife is super friendly and welcomes you into his life!
Determining his readiness and availability really means is he available to meet your relationship relationship requirements.
For example, if a fulfilling relationship, to you, means that your partner is both attentive and present with you when you’re on a date. But if you find when you’re actually on a date, your partner is clearly preoccupied with his recent divorce, then he might not be emotionally available right now.
Relationship fallout takes time to heal, and how long that healing takes depends on each individual.
But what can you do to balance your heart with your head?
Have These Points in Mind When You’re Dating a Recently Divorced Man
1) Keep Your Eyes Open
The most important thing you can do to protect yourself from heartbreak is to go into your relationship with your eyes open, and with your expectations in check.
You have to acknowledge and be aware of the facts of the relationship, such as his availability when it comes to his caring for the kids, his financial obligations to his ex (if any), and where he is right now with his emotional readiness to date other people.
If you go into your relationship hoping for spontaneous weekend trips to Cabo or Vegas, but his weekends are about shuttling his daughters to music lessons, soccer practice or helping with a science project, you will be disappointed. Schedules that involve kids require more planning.
And with regard to his readiness to date other people, be aware of, or to try to, discern whether he just wants to date for fun right now or if he is looking to date with the intention of finding a long-term partner.
2) Resist Being the Rebound
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with being the rebound woman, if that’s what you want to be.
But, if you don’t want to be the rebound woman, and you’re not aware that you are the rebound woman, that’s when you’re at risk of getting hurt.
A guy on the rebound doesn’t necessarily want to be with you, he wants to be with someone because he’s used to having a wife and having all the warm, fuzzy feelings and conveniences that can come with being in a relationship.
Be aware if he’s truly interested in who you really are, or if he’s merely interested in the benefits of having a girlfriend and being in a relationship.
3) Practice Patience
If you’ve decided that you still want to date him, as I mentioned earlier, go in very aware of the situation and with your expectations are in check.
There is a very good chance he is still in the process of establishing his new, non-married life—with things such as adjusting to being a single or part-time parent, and dealing with the aftermath of his divorce, both emotionally and financially.
If you find that your patience is continually being tried and it’s ultimately draining you, think about whether you have relationship needs and relationship requirements that are going unmet.
4) Don’t Expect Anything Expensive
Unless he owns a Major League Baseball team, or founded an internet search engine, his available funds probably took a big hit with the divorce’s legal fees and the ongoing alimony and child support.
This man may want to take you to the finest restaurants, whisk you a way to an elegant bed and breakfast for the weekend, or dress you in jewels, but in some cases his bank account won’t allow these kinds of activities right now.
He is still getting used to living on a smaller household income, may be paying child support, divorce costs, or even the mortgage on a house that he no longer lives in.
5) Avoid getting enmeshed in his problems
There may be times when he might want to vent, or times where your partner is really struggling with his work, family, or life in general. Divorce is a stressful time, and it takes time to heal from the loss of a significant relationship (no matter whom was at fault or whom initiated the divorce).
It’s important not to get enmeshed.
What does being enmeshed look and feel like? You could be becoming enmeshed if you are feeling guilty for failing to ensure the success and happiness of your partner.
In other words, you are getting enmeshed if you start feeling heavily invested and responsible for your partner’s well being and happiness.
He might be recovering from a bad divorce, and maybe it’s taking a toll on his moods, so you might feel tempted to fix his problems for him. But, consider it a red flag that you are getting enmeshed if you find yourself thinking about giving or lending him money, or going to great lengths (or into debt) to make him happy.
The problem with feeling responsible for our partner’s happiness is that we take undue responsibility for them and we don’t allow them to be their own person. We are not respecting them as independent adults who can live on their own terms and make their own choices.
And we disempower ourselves in the process by making our sense of happiness and contentment dependent on our partner’s happiness and contentment. It’s a really toxic dynamic.
So sure, comfort your partner when times are tough, and celebrate with him when he has success.
But having healthy boundaries means being able to trust and respect that your partner can make his own life choices.
When you try to control the outcome of his problems, you set yourself up for failure and heartbreak, because we ultimately can’t control other people and their circumstances. We can only control our response to any circumstances.
6) Don’t rush it with his kids
In the months after a separation or divorce, he is trying to deal with not getting to see his kids every day, and adjusting to the new paradigm of being a single or part-time parent.
His kids are also dealing with the loss of their family as they know it, and trying to make the adjustment to the new family arrangement. Sometimes they are shuttling between two households and dealing with very angry and stressed parents.
And depending on how the kids feel about the divorce, their already rocky world might feel further threatened by the presence of new woman in their father’s life.
If his kids are taking forever to warm to you, it’s not your fault.
Don’t take it personally.
In fact, don’t rush into being their best friend, or try and force a relationship with them.
The best thing is to keep your relationship with the kids light, casual, and friendly in an authentic way (kids can smell a fake a mile away even if they can’t articulate it).
And avoid spending the night with your partner while his kids are with him unless you and your partner have made a serious commitment to each other.
Children fare best in a stable environment where they feel respect for the adults in their life.
If they just met you and then they see you come out of daddy’s bedroom the next morning, it’s likely going to be very unsettling for them. It will definitely raise a lot of questions from his kids about your relationship with their dad, and your role in their life, that you may or may not be prepared to answer.
So go slow when there are kids involved.
What’s Been Your Experience When Dating a Recently Divorced Man?
I know it can be like wading through murky water. You don’t know what you’re going to step on, or if you should even dip in your toe. If you have friends who have dated a recently divorced man, it helps to talk to them about it and share experiences.
I encourage you to go slow (whether or not he has kids), and keep the above points in mind while you’re dating him.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Dating a Separated Man?
Are the divorce drama and waiting stressing you out? Join my new class starting soon!
Get practical advice and support to know what you’re getting into, successfully navigate the issues, and decide if he’s right for you.
Hurry! Enrollment closes soon!
Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to apply for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
dating a recently divorced man
Discover how to avoid getting your heart broken when dating a recently divorced man, including how long to wait before dating and how to handle the kids.
I’ve been dating a VERY recently divorced man. Three months into dating, after having intense, incredibly fulfilling, and intimate 4 hour long marathon conversations every day, I found out that his wife has moved out of the his 2 weeks before we met.
At that point I was already halfway in love with him. I contemplated moving on, but he had been so wonderful, that I decided to take a leap of faith and dive in. Now, 11 months into it and completely in love, I really wish I had read articles like these at the time.
It’s not that I regret continuing the relationship, it’s just that I threw down 100%, invested myself completely, when he was very clear and honest that he would not be able to do the same. I thought I was strong enough to weather his recovery till he was healed and help speed up the process by loving him completely. I was wrong. Now I feel drained and sad, having gone almost a year without my needs being met. I should have taken it more slowly. So I’m doing what I should have done when I first found out. I’m doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research. And I’m doing more than put the brakes on, I’m throwing the carinto reverse! Asking for and receiving the same space and pace that I should have established from the beginning. I still think he’s an incredible man, but if he needs space, he needs to respect my right to have it too. ESPECIALLY if I want things to work out in the long run. He’s not happy about it, because he absolutely loved the attention that I lavished on him. But he’s respecting, understanding, and accepting my decision. I’m trying to get over the fear that by creating spaces for myself that I might lose the man of my dreams. Because I know that if by asserting my personal needs he can’t honor them, it was all just a fantasy, anyways.
Thank you for writing these very ethical and insightful articles. I have been instinctively following most of what you’ve written, but it has helped HUGELY to reorient my path when I was beginning to feel a little lost
HI, Kay, I’m so glad you found this article helpful.
I feel you. Wow. 2 weeks! That is very recent! Yes, I would definitely take things slow and keep my eyes wide open when in a relationship with a recently divorced man. I don’t doubt he’s wonderful guy. But I think you’re right to consider whether you’re on the same path together at this time in your lives. It sounds like he’s on a different path (right now) than the path that you want for your relationship. And I know how hard that can be, especially when you’re in love with the man of your dreams.
It’s a great sign that he’s respectful and understanding of your decision to step back. But I invite you to look closely at the fear that is coming up.
What thoughts are coming up? What is the gremlin of fear telling you and trying to make you believe?
Our fears often point to our deepest beliefs…our beliefs about life…our beliefs about relationships… or our beliefs about how loveable we feel we are.
If we feel drained and sad when we’re in a relationship, it’s often because we’re pouring so much energy into our relationship with someone else that we’ve neglected our relationship with our SELF.
What if you turned that love and attention and steadfastness that you lavished on him and turned it toward yourself? What if during this time of stepping back you reconnect with Kay and get to know what her needs are, what fulfills her, and what makes her truly happy?
What if you became your own best friend?
All the best,
Melissa
This article is such a great one, and the previous comment is an eye opener. I have been torn about a recent relationship I have begun with a VERY recently divorced man as well. I have known this man for well over a year as a co-worker and a friend. Last year during a birthday celebration for him (and after a few drinks) he confided in me that he and his wife were separated due to her infidelity and since he knew my ex-husband and I divorced due to his infidelity – he was looking for advice.
So we started spending time together away from work, just talking. We were obviously attracted to one another, so I thought perhaps this could become something more at some point, but that expectation was never laid out. However, he and his wife ended up deciding to try and work things out. I found this out because he told me and said that because he had feelings for me we couldn’t even be friends anymore because it would be wrong for him since he is attempting to fix his marriage. I respected that decision and went about life for a year, our jobs now not interacting with one another.
Then three months ago, our schedules overlapped at work – he said it would be good to catch up, seeing he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring I agreed. We went out a week later and ended up talking for hours and he said he and his wife had split since she had never stopped seeing the other person. He had discovered that two months prior.
They have small child together so they were going to co-parenting counseling classes but the marriage was done and he had moved out. We both agreed, at the time, that it would not be healthy for us to try and start a relationship at this point. He was obviously still very raw from the pain of his marriage ending, which I understood having been in the same exact situation.
We have become intimate, spending time together weekly and talking everyday. However, I have been keeping him at arms length because I don’t think he is ready to move on but I don’t want to TELL him when he is or not. I have a friend that says everyone is different, that he has been processing this for over a year and I should open up to him.
Three weeks ago, he opened up to me and said that he felt like he was putting himself out there with me now that we were involved and that he loves talking to me, spending time with me because of the fun we have and enjoys my companionship but that he is scared of creating a toxic relationship.
He wanted to know how I felt. I was a little harsh and told him that I wished he would have waited longer to contact me about spending time together, that I really wanted him to be happy, and that if what was happening between us turned into something long term – that would make me happy; but I loved my life right now – I have a great job, finishing my degree, and am in a good place emotionally and I didn’t want that to be destroyed by what was happening between us.
He said he didn’t want to get in the way of my life, I told him that wasn’t what I meant. Following that conversation it was rough the last two weeks. However, we spent some time together last week and his openness again to talk about what he was feeling and feeling about me finally broke down some of my walls I had up and I told him that his being in my life was adding to my happiness with life.
Now things are back to how they were before with us – enjoying lighthearted banter, deep conversation and great intimacy. I am not ABSOLUTELY terrified that I may be reading this situation all wrong.
In my head I say, there is no way he is ready, that he will freak out once he realizes that he is not ready but my heart says this man is my other half, I am ok with going slow until he is ready and just need to keep tampering him a bit to take things slow because in the end this man is the one I see myself with. I know this feeling because now that I feel it for real, I realize I didn’t have that with my ex-husband and so this is even MORE terrifying.
The other part of me says I should just enjoy this feeling even if it does not end the way I want because there are many people in this world that never get to feel this way and never even get to spend a minute with their other half in life. Any thoughts from people would helpful!
Hi, Susan, I feel you.
It’s really frustrating, even scary, when we don’t know whether the other person is ready for a relationship even when we really love being with them. We’re unsure whether we should walk out or stay the course; our heart and our head feel at odds with each other.
(You might want to check out the guide I wrote where I go into more detail about how to balance your heart and head)
The best course of action I would recommend is to be very intentional about getting clarity on the relationship experience that you want and the relationship experience that he wants.
And what I mean by that is…clarity and peace of mind come from KNOWING. Knowing what direction you want to go in. Knowing what direction he wants to go in. And knowing whether or not your paths align.
I would first start with getting really clear on what my relationship requirements are. What do you want in a truly happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship and fulfilling LIFE? What does that look like? Marriage? Kids? What are the characteristics and qualities of a happy and fulfilling life and relationship in your world. Etc. Get clear on your vision.
Then find out his vision for a fulfilling/ideal life and relationship(s), that includes the relationship with his significant other and relationship with his ex (assuming they’ll be keeping in contact since they have to co-parent). Then take a look at whether his vision aligns with your vision. Given what you find out about what we really wants in his life and relationship(s), do you want to go into deeper levels of commitment with him? Do you want a shared experience?
Only you can determine that. 🙂
Lastly, I want to also talk about your last thought there when you say “I should just enjoy this feeling even if it does not end the way I want because there are many people in this world that never get to feel this way.” Sounds like another way of putting it would be “I should enjoy this while this lasts because I don’t know when I might get to experience this again” or “there’s only so much of this great feeling to go around” or “there’s only so many great guys out there” so I should “take what I can get.”
I want to invite you to think about it another way.
What if there was no such thing as a finite number of great fish in the sea?
What if you didn’t have to “take what you can get” and you could CHOOSE who you really wanted?
What if you COULD get what you really wanted?
What if you COULD find and have the love life of your dreams?
What if it were a matter of believing that that was true AND making the space for that truth in your life?
All the best,
Melissa
From my own experience as a divorcee who got into a rebound relationship that ended badly, it’s incredibly hard to differentiate between real love and a rebound. When you walk away from someone you really love, even under the best circumstances, it leaves a huge ex shaped vortex in your heart. The combination of rediscovering my sensuality, celebrating all the differences my new beau had from the things that drove me crazy about my ex, and the relief of having a convenient man shaped bandage to cover up those gaping, raw edges of my wound distracted me from the fact that we were awfully ill suited.
I ended up hurting that man terribly, unintentionally, when i left because he fell in love with me.
Now, karma rears its ugly head, and here I am..
From the flip side of that coin, the raw need my divorced man felt for me was seductive. It made me feel sensuous, important, and powerful…and was so easy to fall into.
If I had to do it all over, with all the wisdom of hindsight, I would have approached the relationship as brilliant and fun and made sure I kept at least half the week separate (including not talking!) for the first 6 months. That way you can still enjoy the best parts about him without setting yourself up for a fall. That time allows him to come out of that emotional deficit so that he can begin to be a real partner to you. If you were meant to be, he’ll still be around.
It’s easier to hold back the head long rush, than it is to pull back. We’re in the process of trying to do that, and all i can is it really sucks.
hi….
i am dating a guy who is fighting in a court for a divorce from many months…
before doing something i thought to have some article.. i got ur all points.. but how we got to knw that he is also feeling something special for me.. coz m only 23 and he is of 30 and what you will say about sexual relation…. if he says ask for sex and all what does it mean… is he is only for sex or else….. plz help me out…
Hi Suzen,
Thanks so much for your comment! I feel you. Sometimes it can take months or sometimes years for a couple to settle a divorce, depending on the size of their estate, whether there are kids involved, and the level of contention in the divorce, among other factors. And your relationship with him can feel very complicated, especially during this time.
To answer your question about how to know whether he’s also interested in a relationship with you, tune in to the experience of your relationship with him. Notice how he treats you and, most importantly, notice how you feel about it. It helps for you to get really clear on what kind of relationship you want to be in (whether you want to date for fun and recreation or you’re dating to be in a long-term relationship with a potential life partner) and determine what you require and need in order for a relationship to work. And then compare your experience of your relationship with him to your needs and requirements and see whether your needs and requirements are being met.
The best way to know whether he’s interested in a long term relationship with you is to ask him; have “the talk” about your relationship with him and ask him what his interests are with regard to your relationship and whether he’s looking for a long-term relationship or whether he’s not ready for something like that now.
The same goes for sexual relations. To find out what he wants (and the truth is….he might NOT KNOW what he wants), you have to ask and/or observe your experience with him. If all he asks for is sex and doesn’t want to do anything else with regard to the relationship, he might not be ready for a relationship; he might just want sex.
But what’s important to know is what do YOU want in a relationship?
If you just want a casual, just-for-fun, no-commitment relationship right now, then maybe dating someone who is unavailable for various reasons and who ALSO just wants a casual, just-for-fun, no-commitment relationship right now might be just fine for the time being.
It all depends on what kind of relationship you want and your relationship needs and requirements are.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
hi….
Me again…
so sorry…. i want a long time relationship with him as i love his company… but after last meet when i ask as whatever u said…. he jst replied dnt irritate me… and ahed i m use to texting him.. that missing u and about health and all… bu he use to reply in phrase like oce he replied ( unless u are willing to drench urself in ur work beyond the capacity of the average man, you are just not cut out for positios at the top. )
this was the reply… and ahed i always do msg… as he is a lawyer i know he ll b busy in there work… but… what should i do to get attention and love from him… coz i thik he ll b a good partner of mine as i want… i even dt have problem from his daughter….
please help me out… is i shud contiue or leave it on desty….
Hi Suzen,
No worries! Please feel free to comment any time.
To help answer your question about “What should I do to get his love and attention?”…Here is the thing: We can’t “do” anything to get someone’s love and attention because we can’t control the way that someone behaves. Every individual is at choice with what they choose to give and, conversely, we are also at choice with what we choose to receive.
So the question I would encourage you to think about is “How satisfied are you with the love and attention that you’re currently getting? Is it meeting your relationship needs and requirements (what you require and need in order for a relationship to be happy and fulfilling for you)? And if not, what do you need and require in a relationship in order for you to be happy in that relationship?”
And how to decide whether you should continue in the relationship or leave is a highly personal question and only you can decide whether you should stay or go. But to help you with that decision, it’s important to get clear on what your relationship requirements are because then you can compare your needs and requirements to your current experience in your relationship and determine whether those needs and requirements are being met. How long should you stick it out or for how long should you give him a chance? It’s really up to you. Decide on a time period with a definite end date; three months from now, 6 months from now, decide what duration feels appropriate for you. And then during that time, really tune in to what your relationship is like with him and then decide at your deadline whether you’d like to stay or go.
I would also say…make sure to note (perhaps in a journal) what particular difficulties are you having with deciding. A lot of times, thoughts and fears come up about relationships and they are important to note because they often point to our beliefs about love and relationships. And the first step to overcoming limiting beliefs is to become aware of them.
I hope this helps! I have a free guide at http://happyhealthyrelationship.com/subscribe/ that goes into more detail about how to decide; you might find it helpful.
All the best,
Melissa
thank you so much mellisa
fro0 that day when he ask me for a pyshical relation and i said no… from that day till today m texting him.. but there is no reply.. even he is visiting my msg.. then also he is not replyin I think i shud give him time.. now i dnt think it will wrk coz m still batchlour and he is divorcy …
so what you say… better to wait for good destny…. RIGHT!!!!!!!
Awesome! I actually came looking for this. I’ve been not soo lucky in the dating department lately. I am a 30 yo single mom, who for the past 5 years has worked two jobs to keep things running and made little time for friends or new social interactions. About 3 weeks ago a really good friend of mine took my phone from me and signed me up for online dating (Tinder!). In the beginning, I expected nothing from it and kind of compared it to window shopping, but only for a man. Solely for entertainment! However, I ended up having great conversation with a guy who I found attractive, intellectually stimulating, and for a change… ambitious.
We have been talking everyday, all day, for the past 3 weeks. He has been open and honest, has made me feel comfortable with a method of dating that I have been leery of, and even identified some mutual friends that we may have in common. In looking up one of those mutual friends on facebook (uh oh), I was able to view his page as well. Welll.. I must have really optimistic expectations for this man because seeing a picture of him and his wife and a timeline notification stating that he’d gotten in engaged in 2012 made my heart stop. I’ve been through this before, with men leading double lives. At 30 I’m pretty much looking for something substantial – however long it takes. We’d touched on our previous relationships and he informed me that his ended due to infidelity but we didn’t talk about it to the point of completely understanding the dynamics of all. With us just meeting I felt like knowing that he was no longer in a relationship was more than enough information to share. I tactfully asked additional questions recently to determine exactly what was going on. The man that I’d been talking to did not seem like a liar. As a matter of fact he seemed to be just the opposite. But I’m not naive enough to think that I completely know a man that I’ve spoken to on the phone and never met in person. Without even hinting at a marriage, he shamefully and nervously presented me with the truth.
My mister awesome has been separated from his wife of 1 year since October. She was unfaithful and they are going through divorce. It was soo refreshing to have him be honest with me about something that was obviously difficult for him to share. Of course I had to ask the smart ass question, “are you separated and going through divorce, or separated and saying you’re going through divorce.” They are living separately and I honestly believe that he is closing this chapter in his life. The less mature me would have run, accused him of being a liar, and never looked back. The more mature me is understanding that sometimes people aren’t meant to be together, things happen, everyone has a past, and life moves on. However, I do understand that my approach to this new found friendship has to be different. I understand that a commitment could be slightly delayed, that I should spend this time focused on a friendship and not the possibility of something more, and that I absolutely have to be aware of my emotions as I enter into this. I’m usually a person that acts on my feelings. I don’t believe in timelines when it comes to love (Well, except that I’m not sleeping with a man that I just met.) But in this case I know, that whether I feel it or not, its absolutely not okay to let my feelings whisk me away. I have to allow him time to heal and for the “ink to dry” on paper. And I have to be realistic about what he’s looking for right now. Break-ups are tough. They are mentally and emotionally draining. So I can only imagine how it feels to invest in someone, invest in an elaborate wedding, plan to spend the rest of your life someone and it fails soo soon. I know he will need time, even if he says otherwise. So I guess that brings me to my question… How do I tactfully, without suggesting any future expectations, ask this man what it is he’s looking for? If he’s not looking for forever right now, I understand. But I do hope that he’s looking to building something eventually. And is it ok to ask this question? To be honest, I don’t want to rush things for him or myself, but in all fairness I don’t want to waste my time either.
HI Natasha, Thanks for your comment! Yes, it’s totally ok to ask those types of questions. Asking these types of questions is how will we know who might be a good fit for us. So it’s natural to ask these questions of the people we’re dating/seeing.
Since you already talk pretty often and it seems like you have certain comfort level talking with him already since you asked him about the status of his divorce, it would not be out of line to ask him things like…
What’s your definition of a great relationship?
Granted, it takes a bit of build-up to ask this question (usually, once you begin discussing your dating histories, you can slip this one in), but it’s worth asking.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
Where do you see yourself in five years time?
The answers to these questions could provide valuable information about his perspective and intentions and you could then see if his intentions are aligned with what YOU’RE looking for and if you share the same view of a great relationship.
But of course, it takes time to get to know someone so it’s worth observing whether he is actually true to what he says about what makes a great relationship; in other words, observe and experience whether he walks his talk.
And the best way to know whether you’re wasting your time or not is to get very clear on your relationship needs and requirements—ask yourself the same questions about “What’s your definition of a great relationship? What do you need and want in a relationship in order to be happy in that relationship?”…because then you’ll have a solid frame of reference on which to determine the likelihood of whether you’ll be happy in a relationship with someone after experiencing them through dating.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
I dated a man who had been divorced for 6 months from a 6 year marriage, no children involved. We were set up by friends and live in different states so the relationship began with talking, messaging, etc. it was wonderful getting to know him that way. A month into it, I traveled to his state and had the perfect weekend. We continued to talk and shared a week long vacation a month after. Three months in he introduced me to his family and I spent several days with him and his family over Thanksgivinh. Prior to and during that trip, we began to plan for me to relocate to his state. He wanted to get married again, “but not right away”. We talked about children, he included my ideas in the renovation of a home he recently purchased, I picked out paint for what would’ve been my home office, etc. it was a whirlwind. I felt like it was moving fast, but we both were so comfortable.
A wise friend warned me not to make any longterm decisions until he and I had our first fight. At the end of my trip to meet his family, we fought over something very trivial and never recovered from it. The trivial fight mushroomed into something else and I realized that we were unable to resolve a very trivial conflict. He shut down emotionally and refused to talk to me. He wouldn’t return my calls and texts. After a couple weeks, I reached out to his friends and family and they told me he had shut down, but that he would call me so we could meet and talk. He never called and we never talked. A month later, on Christmas Day, when he was supposed to meet my family . . . he sent me a text apologizing for not contacting me and stating that he just wanted to be friends. I accepted his decision, but reached out again to at least talk, he still ignored me.
It’s now 5 months later and I never heard from him. He did some passive aggressive things like post pics of us on social media after we had broken up and “liked” anything I posted, but he has never called or reached out to me to explain what happened.
After 5 very painful, agonizing months, I realized that he had not recovered from his divorce and was emotionally unavailable. He had dated other women before me, but it appears that I was the rebound. I also realize that he simply did not have the guts to break up with me to my face after all the promises he made. I’ve since cut ties with him by removing him from my social media as I couldn’t stand seeing those photos of us anymore. His friends and family keep in touch with me and are equally as dumbfounded by his behavior stating they had never seen him act this way, he had very strong feelings for me . . . apparently he’s told them that he saw something in me that reminded him of his ex-wife, but on the other hand he hopes we can really be friends.
I wished I had paid more attention to the fact that he was recently divorced and had read your article before jumping in head first. It was the greatest, shortest relationship I’ve ever had. Falling in love was wonderful . . . But, Unfortunately, the pain associated with the break up is lasting longer than the relationship ever did.
Hi Wanda,
I feel you. Falling in love with an (ultimately) unavailable man is really painful. And I feel where you’re coming from…it’s often really hard to tell/gauge whether the man we’re seeing is actually ready to date; readiness to date and readiness to be in a relationship is a very personal, often subjective, decision.
Guys can say that they’re ready and even appear ready, but until they get deep down and conscious about what they truly want in life and in a relationship and communicate their readiness to their dates in not only their words but in their behavior, we’re never really going to know how ready they truly are.
The only thing we truly know is our OWN readiness — our own wants, needs, and relationship requirements. The only thing that we truly know and are able to control is what makes us happy and fulfilled in our life and in our relationship.
So during this time of healing from your difficult breakup, I encourage you to turn inward, be gentle to yourself, reach out to supportive friends and family; find ways to connect with yourself in a way where you feel internally supported, find ways to become your own best friend.
Breakups are hard. They’re painful. They’re lonely. And they’re often the most illuminating paths to self-discovery that you’ll ever experience.
Breakups make us keenly aware of what causes us pain…so that next time we can more fully recognize and embrace what gives us joy.
Relationship conflicts almost always arise out of unmet needs or unmet relationship requirements. They make us aware of what we will and will not tolerate in a relationship. And having deep clarity around our own needs, wants and requirements are, in my opinion, really foundational to relationship success.
I’m going to be releasing a free resource on “dating traps to avoid” to my readers very soon. Are you on my mailing list? If you’re interested in getting a copy, please feel free to email me directly at melissa@happyhealthyrelationship.com or subscribe to the blog at http://happyhealthyrelationship.com/subscribe/.
All the best,
Melissa
I’m not sure what to do. In hindsight I now know that I should not have gotten involved with my significant other. He was separated when we met and things got very intense very quickly. Fast forward to a year and a half later and I can tell that he is still not emotionally over his divorce. I love him very much and I truly believe that he loves me but I’m feeling like I’m in that rebound situation. I’m so emotionally invested at this point I’m finding it hard to walk away. We live together, I am very close to his children, and he’s different in the fact that he does talk about a future together. My own nagging feelings are what are getting the best of me. He is very open with me about the fact that he is still struggling with the divorce. He has told me that I am better suited for him than his ex wife in every way and that we will work together to get him through getting over his divorce. As I sit here writing this, I probably sound like a fool…He’s said all the right things and yet I still can’t get over my feelings and my fears. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Obviously I do not have the best self esteem. I feel this could be forever but my fears are crippling. I’m not sure what to do because I’m way past taking it slow.
Hi Carrie, Thanks for reaching out.
First, I want to say that you don’t sound like a fool and there is absolutely no shame in what you’re going through right now. I’ve made relationship choices, at one time or another, that were less than fully conscious at the given time. We all have. So know that you’re not alone. And please feel free to reach out any time.
It sounds like there are a couple of things going here. It’s probably absolutely true that he finds you’re better suited for him than his ex, that he loves you and that he wants a future with you. But it’s probably also true that he’s still healing from his divorce and, because of that, he’s emotionally unavailable right now.
And when you say you’re “way past taking it slow”, I take that to mean that you would like to move into deeper levels of commitment with him.
conflict arises in relationships when needs aren’t being met and when there’s misalignment in the readiness (readiness to date and to be in relationship) of one or both individuals in the relationship.
It sounds like he might not be ready right now for deeper levels of commitment, it sounds like there’s some work and healing that he still needs to do before he can be fully present and available for a relationship with you.
And I know the hard part is…you’re already heavily invested in the relationship. But now is a better time than ever to start going deep and taking a look at what really makes you happy in a relationship and evaluating whether you feel this relationship is right for you.
The fact you’re asking questions and being aware of your “nagging feeling,” as you mentioned, is huge. I really want to acknowledge you for that.
Paying attention to how we’re feeling and starting to ask “is this what I want? what makes me happy?” is really, really important — foundational — for finding and having a successful and fulfilling relationship. As they say, the best time to work on your marriage is before you’re in one.
As difficult as those questions are to consider right now given your level of investment in this relationship…consider this: how much more difficult would it be if you were asking “is this what I really want?” when you’re two kids and a mortgage later into your relationship? Now is a better time than ever.
I would start by getting very clear on what your relationship needs and requirements are. what do you personally need and require in order to feel fulfilled in a relationship?
And taking a look at your needs and requirements…ask yourself “are my needs being met in this relationship? Are my relationship requirements being met in this relationship? Am I happy?”
That’s where I would start. I know it’s a very complex situation so if you’d like to talk further, please feel free to reach out to me and perhaps we can have a deeper discussion about this by phone.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for the wonderfully written article! I am happy that I came across it right now as I like some of the other people who have commented on your post, have been dating a wonderful but recently separated man for 7 months. When we met it was equal parts exciting and scary – I knew he was very recently coming out of a long relationship in which 2 children are involved but he quickly involved me so completely in his and their lives! Even though I was aware of the risks, I was ready for the commitment and began to feel safe as he kept me comforted and made me feel secure every step of the way. I truly could feel his love for me and I of course felt the same way back. This all changed at about the 6 month mark when I began to open up about my feelings for him and my wants going forward with our relationship. He honestly and gently broke it to me as carefully as he could that he was in no place to make decisions or commitments about the future right now but really enjoys being together and doesn’t want to break up. This has naturally caused a huge rift in our relationship… we have discussed it at length several times, he know what I want but just can’t make any kind of commitments to me right now. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about what I really want and I am just not sure what my next steps in this should be. I can relate to how Carrie says she feels ‘foolish’ because dating someone with so much baggage is clearly a huge risk and now I feel like I’m being proven wrong for trying.
Hi Jen, Thanks for your comment and your interest in the blog! I’m glad you’re finding the content useful. I feel your pain and frustration. I know that must have been really hard to hear that from him that he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I recently wrote an article on what is commitment and how to tell if he’s ready for a relationship after divorce. It might provide some additional insight into understanding what happened. (links)
It’s not quite clear to me in your comment whether you’ve officially broken up and are not seeing each other anymore or if you’re still in a relationship. But in any case, doing some soul searching is actually a wonderful step to take. Deeper self discovery and deep self-awareness is really the foundation for setting ourselves up for relationship success. When we are deeply aware and clear on our own requirements, needs and wants — and the vision we want for our life and relationship — we’re more intentional about the choices we make when we’re dating and we enter relationships with our eyes wide open.
That’s not to say that your eyes weren’t open or that you weren’t intentional. I’m sure you were very intentional. The intent was to be with someone you love! But, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20. I once was in a relationship with a man (who was the process of divorce) who told me that I “was just a summer fling that last four years.” Did I see that coming? Of course not. Did I feel like a fool? The biggest fool ever. And it actually left me depressed for some time.
But with the knowledge and skills that I have today about relationships, I see now that there were some very big red flags that I had missed (or chose to overlook) when I was with him. If I had to do it all over again, I would have run the other way when I had experienced those red flags. but at the time I overlooked them because I was in love (and we tend to gloss over things like red flags when we’re looking through rose-colored glasses).
And (this is a big one) I wasn’t clear on what my relationship requirements were at the time so I didn’t have a “baseline” for what was acceptable and unacceptable for me in a relationship and in a partner; I was just kinda going along and “seeing what happens” and “hoping it works out” as many singles do.
But I advocate a different approach. Instead of just “seeing what happens,” I believe we can find and have the relationship that we truly want if we date and enter relationships consciously…meaning we have knowledge of what to expect in certain kinds of relationships (like when dating a recent divorcée or dating a single dad), we have deep clarity on our own needs, wants, requirements and life vision, and we gain the skills for relationship success.
With clarity on our own needs, wants, requirements and life vision, we can make relationship decisions that are highly aligned with what we know we truly want, need and require in order for us to be happy in life and in our relationships.
So where I might start is making a list. Look at your relationship history. All your significant relationships. And note on paper what worked and what didn’t work.
What was it that ended the relationship? Relationship conflicts point to unmet needs. What needs of yours were not being met in relationships that didn’t work out? and what is your vision for your life as a whole?
What would a deeply fulfilling life look like for you? In all aspects of your life…relationships, career, health, personal/spiritual growth, leisure…
This awareness will serve as huge step toward relationship success in the future.
I’m also sensing that you’re in transition. And whether you’re healing from a broken heart right now or finding a way to move on…taking stock, as you mentioned, is powerful way to start. Take stock of where you are right now and then start creating the space to dream of where you want to be.
I know navigating these relationship transitions and trying to get clarity on your vision and requirements can sometimes feel very muddy. Feel free to contact me if you’d like further support; I’m happy to chat with you to help you get clearer on what you’re trying to achieve.
all the best,
Melissa
This article is exactly what I needed. The guy I’ve been dating is 32, almost done with his divorce, started a year ago after his wife cheated on him, with 3 kids (one with autism) , I’m 30 with one slightly special needs child myself, never been married. We met online and really hit it off the first couple times we hung out and within a couple weeks, I had already met his kids (who I love and find they have a real liking to me and my son). After a couple months and 2 weekend trips with all the kids, I brought up wanting to be exclusive which he ultimately had a little freak out moment over and wanted to be “friends”. He was sparatic with his texts and I gave him his space. Now he reappears 2 weeks later and it seems like he intentionally brings up who is texting and emailing him, so I know it’s not another girl (because i slightly freaked out over that) told me about how the kids miss us and how his ex wife has brought up how great I must be because they talk about us a lot and he’s officially using my name in conversations to his ex and family. Soon after that conversation, he invited us to a campground… which his whole family was at (I had no idea they would be there) after meeting them, I’m now being referred to as “sweetheart.” I’m all sorts of confused now. We initially did sleep together but after the friend talk, I cut it off completely. He would come over 2-3 times a week to hang out and sleep in my bed, but no sexual activity happens. The last time, he brought over 2 movies, one being 50 shades of gray and the other was just as sexually orientated. He also likes to call me up to talk about how girls check him out… Is he really just enjoying the cat and mouse game really slowly or do you think he’s hoping he can get a friend with benefits out of the deal? I’m not really used to either, but I’ve also never dated someone who has been so newly divorced…
Hi Melissa, I’m so glad you found this article helpful!
The feel your confusion and frustration. The scenario you’re describing…where things move really fast in the relationship and then suddenly he blows cold and wants to be “friends” or doesn’t know what he wants…is quite common when he’s recently divorced or has a divorce pending. (That’s not to say this happens to everyone, but it happens a lot) So know that you’re not alone in your confusion and frustration.
From what you mentioned, he had a freak out moment when you talked about wanting to be exclusive, he’s saying he wants to be “friends” and then he pulled away for two weeks. And then he introduces you to his family and wants to continue sleeping together.
You could be right…he might be really enjoying the cat and mouse game or he might be hoping he can get a friend with benefits. He’s giving a lot of mixed messages and it’s all very unclear.
But what IS clear is: he’s not being very forthright about what he wants. He takes steps toward deeper levels of commitment but then pulls back and takes steps toward deeper levels of commitment again, but then pulls back again. Which probably means (there’s a high likelihood) that he doesn’t really know what he wants. So he’s just kind of doing what feels good right now, in the moment, and not being conscious and intentional about what makes sense long term.
This can be a really painful set up for the woman he’s dating if what she wants is a long-term committed relationship. Because when we know (to some extent) what we want, but the guy we’re dating doesn’t know what he wants, it’s inevitable that someone’s needs in the relationship will go unmet. And unmet needs = relationship conflict.
I recently wrote an article about “Is he ready for a relationship after divorce?” that you might find helpful. It has some tips on how to assess his readiness and what to do if you find that he’s not ready.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to give you an update since we’ve had some great convos.
After a beautiful year together followed by almost 9 months of turmoil, heartache, and confusion, it’s finally over.
He never forgave me for stepping back. For expressing my needs. For setting boundaries. For taking a break.
After our break, he started getting incredibly ambiguous, sent mixed messages, and blew hot and cold.
I realize now that being honest, kind, And true really can’t undo the years of manipulation and trauma that his previous relationship had.
We were able to for a while when we started. But when there was a conflict and I stood firm on my needs. .. he thought it was just a power play. And not the truth
The truly sad thing is I know I love him. And that he loves me like crazy. But. .. it doesn’t matter because when I left I hurt him. And the only way he can ever understand why I left is for him to understand how what he does contributed to in the erosion of his own marriage.
He’s not ready to see it with me because he’s not ready to see it with her.
He’s one of the most incredible men I’ve ever met. But his flaw is he”s afraid of losing control. And because he doesn’t believe he can truly trust his partner, he gets all twisted when he sees how powerful what we have together is.. so he tries to deny himself me. .. because it makes him feel weak. Because it’s even more powerful at the beginning than his marriage ever was… And that already hurt him too much. That fear is strangling our love.
He wanted to be the closest, most intimate”friends”after our break. To have this gray area where he can have me in his life, but not fully commit. I wouldn’t have sex with him, but in almost every other way, we were together.
I can tell by so many things he says and does he’s wanting to see if I’ll behave. Prove beyond and doubt that I’ll never leave before he commits again. I can see he has to fight all the time not to be with me as much as he wants to. That he’s afraid.
But it’s been going on so long. I need to be loved, too. I’m not a stone.
So I’ve told him I need to go and be on my own for a while. That I can’t really be a friend till I can stop being in love with him.
I know that’s not what he expected. He thought we were going to reconcile after who knows how long!? And I’ve hurt him again. But I’ve been honest all along.
I haven’t played any games, even when he started getting incredibly weird.
In his last message I could tell he was so surprised and hurt that I’m leaving again. .. even when i told him over and over what i needed to stay. And I know it’s finally done.
I love him. But I love myself, too. I’m not the true cause or the cure of his pain. And while it saddens me to see something so beautiful and special end because of timing… I can’t continue this. It’s not healthy.
Thank you for being such a great resource.
Good luck to everyone else who is struggling with similar stories. .. it’s one hell of a crazy train. I’m glad I’m finally getting off this ride.
Hi Kay, Thank you so much for your heartfelt update. I know that must have been REALLY hard to go through. I feel you.
The insight you had into his readiness and his need to see and understand what went wrong in his marriage is HUGE.
Fear and vulnerability are normal feelings whenever we step into new territory. The key to letting go of fear is to understand it, know where it comes from, and take away the mystery, the unknown. It’s a skill. It can be learned. We’re adaptable, resilient human beings. But we have to be willing to go there.
Examining our biggest pains and relationship conflicts, our relationship history, are GOLDMINES for becoming aware of what really matters to us in a relationship and what baggage we carry that may be interfering with our relationship success. If we can’t see our own baggage and hangups, then we aren’t empowered with the awareness to let go of it.
I think, especially as very kind, caring, honest and highly intuitive women (what I mean by highly intuitive is highly sensitive to the needs and emotions of the people around us), we take on a lot of responsibility on trying to help others “go there”, trying to help them heal. Especially when you’re dating a divorced or divorcing man…we often feel compelled to help him heal — to rescue him. The problem is, it’s not within our control. It’s a path that only he can take. He is responsible for his own healing and happiness.
We’re not here to complete our partners, or have our partners complete us. We’re here to realize and honor our own completeness and SHARE in that wholeness with others.
I really acknowledge you for your courage and strength through this train ride. I know it’s an emotional roller coaster. And standing by your needs, setting boundaries, and honoring your truth is a really hard thing to do when we’re in a situation that feels so volatile. But your insight is so clear, powerful, and inspiring: “I love him. But I love myself, too. I’m not the true cause or the cure of his pain.”
As Deepak Chopra says in his lecture on “How to Attract Your Soulmate,” the most important question we must ask our self when making relationship decisions comes from a place of self love.
And it’s a very personal question that requires a very personal answer from within; each person’s answer will be different and unique to them and their own situation.
But it’s a very powerful question that can evoke deep clarity:
“If I made this choice, am I loving myself? If I really love myself, would I make this choice?”
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa!
I’m on the same situation as one of our fellow commenter suzen. I’m dating a guy who is still finalizing his divorce, he will go back to his country this month in order to finalize it (the process kinda took a while), and they have a little boy.
I like him a lot and he treats me well, he’s very open about his ongoing divorce, it was a mutual decision on both parts but I’m not sure if I should continue seeing him (we’ve been dating for nearly two months now), I’m looking for a long term relationship, and I don’t want another heartbreak (like anybody else), I’m afraid of getting hurt again in the end. How could I be sure that I’m not only a rebound? Or if he’s really ready for relationship?
Thank you.
Hi Jane, Thanks so much for reaching out! I feel you. It’s a very volatile time when they’re going through a divorce and I know the sense of waiting and uncertainty can cause for a lot of frustration and anxiety. There are a few articles that I’ve written to address this very concern:
Is He Is Ready for a Relationship After Divorce? This article lists some very important things to consider to help assess his readiness for a relationship.
How to Avoid Being the Rebound Woman This article clearly defines a rebound relationship, how to know when you might be falling into one, and how to avoid falling into that trap.
Frustrated with the Pace of Your Relationship? How to Approach This Issue with Confidence and Clarity A lot of women in your situation are very frustrated with the pace of their relationship and are wondering how/whether they can be patient through this whole divorce process. This article helps address those concerns with advice for next steps.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I am dating a recently divorced man – divorced last June but he said, they started the process since last year. He was the one so eager for me to move in already. He said he has never felt this way before and I am so scared that I am a rebound and that when he realizes he just misses being in a relationship, then all will be down south. He told me his wife wants to reconcile. But he said he doesn’t want anything to do with her, and he wants her to move on and wish her well. They still talk. He is not upset at her even though she cheated on him because he claims he is not blameless on it. I am falling for him but I am so scared that he is going too fast to soon. He told me he is so happy he met me. I told him I am very nervous about it. No kids involved. He seems to have moved on but what if he is just inlove with the idea of having a relationship. He already told me he loves me and nervous too because he has never felt this strong connection with anyone, even when his ex-wife and him were dating. I find that hard to believe but I will never be able to know her side.
His ex wife showed up in his house and wanting to reconcile. He claims he didn’t let her in and she should see the picture that he has moved on….
I am so nervous because I am new to this. I lost my husband two years ago and just now getting back into dating.
Thanks,
Reese
Hi Melissa. Thank you for the wonderful article, its an eye opener. I never thought even my wildest dream that maybe one day I will date a divorced or divorcing man but then it happened hey. thought I love him so much but I have questions that I don’t think even himself will be able to answer. Here is my story Melissa. we met 5 years ago before he was married and I fell in love with him. It was an amazing three months relationship. We had fun, we supported and encouraged each other to fulfil our dreams. I never doubted his love until the day we had to go separate ways. We both love socializing, we enjoy motivating and encouraging people, we are adventurous people and nomatter what life throws at us we have that mentality of enjoining life, to focus on what we are blessed with and be grateful. We are both free spirit individuals and we love laughing hahaha. He had a girlfriend when I met him and had two kids with the her. He was not happy in that relationship, he was not himself I could see it myself. They were constantly fighting with small things. Her girlfriend was emotional and physical abusing him. He had relocated from Durban (South Africa) to cape town when we started our relationship, leaving the girlfriend in Durban. He used to tell me that they have been to counselling several times trying to sort their relationship but things would get better for a couple of months and they would be back to square one again. The girlfriend was abused when she was a kid and he had met her in those days when she didn’t have anyone ( even her mother was not there); she was 16 when they met and him 26 years. He is the one who used to pay her school fees and do everything for her. when the lady was 19 years they moved inn together because she was pregnant. she didn’t want to go back to school after giving birth, he begged her for two years asking her to go back to school eventually she did. But she only did metric and never wanted any college or university qualifications. when she was 27 they had a second child. he says after the first child he told himself that nomatter how difficult or unhappy he was he was not going to leave because he knew she didn’t have anyone who was going to take care of her and felt that she is his responsibility. After the second child things moved from bad to worse that is why he moved from Durban ( where the girlfriend was) to cape town but he continue maintaining her lifestyle and they never broke up, he thought maybe things would be better if they are from each other. he moved when the second child was 4 years old. the girlfriend have never worked in her life, she never wanted to because he was working. she had and still is having low self esteem though she is so beautiful. I met him when he had two weeks in capetown. we had a lovely time together and he would tell me he had not been this happy for a very long time and haven’t even been himself for some time. the girlfriend always had a problem with him going out but never wanted to go with him because she didn’t have confident when around people. he had taken her to counselling so that she can deal with those issues but she would attend only one session and never want to go again. If he had managed to convince her to go with and his friends she would complain about so many things and want to come back home earlier than they have planned. she never wanted him to have friends whether is guys or ladies. she always wanted him home. Though he have MBA and currently busy with his PhD, he is in top management at work; she was not inspired by all that to better her life. she would complain even if he go to meetings with clients.
We both enjoyed each other, talking about life, motivating and encouraging each to unleash our potential. we both business minded people, he also have two businesses that the girlfriend doesn’t even know how to run them or interested to know all she wants is money for cloths, hair, nails. if he didn’t pick a phone maybe he was in a meeting, there would be fight and a lot of explaining to do. the guy is caring, loving, sponentious, full of life and love people. after three months of all that fun we had we broke up because the girlfriend was relocating to capetown as well. I was so heart broken when he told me her girlfriend is relocating and I decided to break up with him because they were going to stay together and obviously our relationship was going to have to be a secret. i didn’t want to fight for and hope that one day they will break up. he explained to me that it was going to be better if she is the one to leave him then him leaving her yet she have his two kids already, she is not working and he is the one who broke his virginity. on our last meeting we talked about the good times we had, he told me I was his soul mate; he doesn’t know yet how things will turn out but he want to spend the rest of his life with me. he said the universe will work its self out to bring us back together again. I asked him not to call or do any means of communicating with me as I was hurt and wanted to move on.His family and friends never accepted his relationship with her because they could see he was not happy.after a year of our break I heard they were married. I was heartbroken again. I had never loved any man like I love him. I knew he was not happy in that marriage and I would pick from his friends when they talk that he is not happy.
five years after we had broken up, we had find each other again though now things are very different. he is going through a divorce, its the wife that have asked for it. her family more especial her mom was happy because she knew her son was not happy. though he is saying he feels like he had been given a second chance in life to be himself, do things he love and enjoys but he do accept that it was very painfull and heart breaking at first. He sees this as a blessing more especial that its the wife who asked for it. the reason the wife asked for divorce is that she says she is not happy. before she asked for divorce she lost some weight, that boasted her confidence and she started clubing a lot and when she comes home she would tell him that guys are after her because she is beautiful and she can get any guy she wants. her reason for the divorce was that she wants happiness. family members tried talking to her but she was determined and it was a depressing time for him as he didn’t expect it. he then find out that she was having an affair but she denied it. because of the support he is getting from family and friends he is strong and happy. people that care about him are happy for him that he is divorcing because they know the kind of life he was living. he updates me with everything happening (divorce processings) and he cant wait for everything to be finalized so that me and him can continue with our lives. he is grateful that things turn out the way they did though it was very hurting at first. he tells me that this time around me and him will be together forever, that is his wish. he tells of the emotional abuse he was experiencing, he says felt like he was in cage and he knew he had himself to blame. we see each other regularly, we go out, we talk business, we encourage and motivate each other.
what makes me scared is the fact that I don’t know if its possible for someone to divorce and be committed too quick to someone else. he says he doesn’t want to make the same mistake, he doesn’t want to loose me or disappoint me so he suggested from the first day that we take things slow and I agree that’s what I want as well. We give each other space, no pressure but we see each other often maybe three times a week. we were at a restaurant recently and one woman came to our table and told us she can see how special we are to each other, we respect each other, she went on to say we are meant to be together, why are we not married? she said we make each other happy. that was scary!! she told us she is gifted in seeing certain things and she is a marriage councillor. she had divorced twice and is in third marriage now, she is happy, very happy. we then decided to share with her what’s happening and we had a long conversation with her. she believe in our relationship and she told us its not gonna be easy but we will have an amazing journey together. she was confirming a lot of things we always talk about.
my inner being is telling me that me and him belong together and that this time nothing will stop us!! we are madly inlove with each other and he want this to wok. what are thoughts Melissa? I always read your articles, they are an opener though sometimes they make scared because its as if a relationship with a man going through a divorce its impossible to last of which we (me and him) bealive nomatter how fresh this is we are going to be together. Are we perhaps not being realistic? but this feels real. there is nothing he does that makes me worry, he tells me everything but when I read about man going through divorce or recently divorced I get scared. I cant wait to read your response.
Hi Reese, Thank you so much for your comment and for reaching out. I feel your worry and frustration. It is normal to feel a degree of worry and frustration when you feel your relationship is moving really fast and you worry whether you’re the rebound. But not all relationships that begin amid a separation end up as rebound relationships. Sometimes they do end up as happy, healthy, long-term relationships. All relationships and their surrounding circumstances are different.
But there are some things you can do like being aware of red flags and being aware of his relationship readiness that could help you gauge whether he is ready for a new long-term committed relationship and not just looking to get his immediate needs met.
I also recently wrote an article about How to Avoid Being the Rebound Woman that you might find helpful.
It is also very normal to feel nervous because this is new territory for you since you haven’t dated in a while (sorry to hear about the loss of your husband). It is normal to feel nervous because of several things: 1) dating is new territory, 2) it feels risky, and 3) it is full of unknowns.
As a mentor of mine had said “You see, there is an ancient part of our ego that is wired for survival. The oldest part of our brain is insistent that we keep doing what we’ve always done, because it’s kept us alive until now, and so the odds are that we’ll stay alive as long as we don’t do anything new and different. Our survival instincts keep us within our comfort zone, even if our comfort zone isn’t all that comfortable. At least it is KNOWN.”
We fear the unknown.
And, of course, we can’t predict the future…but the way that we overcome this fear is to 1) get clear on what to expect and the realities of the situation (what things might you face or need to be aware of when dating a divorcing man?), 2) focus on what you do know (your relationship needs and requirements and whether they are being met…these are your guiding light) and 3) focus on what you can control (your attitude about your relationship and the choices that you make).
It’s hard to sometimes figure out what that next step might be…but I detail how to approach those choices in this recent article.
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Samela,
Thanks so much for your comment and for reaching out. And thank you for sharing your story! it sounds like you and him and his ex have been through quite a lot in the past few years!
As I had mentioned to another reader, it is normal to feel a degree of worry and apprehension when you feel your relationship and his previous relationship are undergoing a lot of transition. There’s no denying that divorce is a very volatile time…for everyone involved. But not all relationships that begin amid a separation end up as rebound relationships. Sometimes they do end up as happy, healthy, long-term relationships. (my husband and I are happily married and going strong:)) All relationships and their surrounding circumstances are different.
I think him wanting to take things slow could actually be a very good thing. Sometimes a guy’s desire to take things slow really signifies discernment and wanting to think things through to make sure that he’s really making a conscious choice and not jumping into things unconsciously.
To your question about “are you being realistic?”…to determine whether you are being realistic, take a look at the facts and realities of the situation that you might have to content with… and compare them to your hopes and expectations. Are you hopes and expectations realistic given your circumstances?
I’m also hearing, through the way that you worded your comment, that you’re wondering whether this is relationship is really going to last and work. My thoughts are: You are the best judge of whether this relationship is going to work for you. 🙂
What I do know is that the things that contribute to the likelihood of a happy, healthy long-term committed relationship are: having a life vision that’s aligned and supported by your partner, and having your relationship needs and requirements met.
So the thing is, determine what your needs and requirements are…what do you really need an require in a relationship in order for you to feel happy and fulfilled? And determine your life vision…what do you want your life to look like? What life experiences do you want? And do those things align with your partner’s life vision?
Relationship happiness and success begins with you and your awareness of what brings you happiness and fulfillment…and the next step is finding someone who really honors and celebrates that within you. 🙂
All the best,
Melissa
Thank you, Melissa for writing these incredibly helpful and insightful articles. I recently had a thing with my colleague who divorced four months ago. Reading your advice helped me in letting him go.
Thank you so much. I’m so glad you’re getting value out of the content…and that it’s helping you make conscious decisions toward the kind of relationship that you truly want.
All the best,
Melissa
I’m struggling with this. I’ve been dating a man for nine months. He has been separated for a year and a half. They have not filed for divorce yet and I have not met his kids. He has a LOT of financial obligations, as his “ex” has never worked and doesn’t plan to. So… she’s an adult dependent until she finds some else, I guess.
I can deal with that, as I have a career and don’t expect any financial help from him. However, the fact that he keeps me so far out of his life is painful. I know that the marriage is over and he’s totally over it, but I’m bitter and don’t know what to do. The man is absolutely wonderful and I’d never find anyone like him. I love that he cares so much about his kids, but I don’t know. Am I just being selfish for thinking it’s absurd that I can never see him on weekends? How long is it reasonable to wait?
HI Ali, Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel your frustration.
He might be emotionally over his divorce and emotionally over his ex, but since they have not filed for divorce yet, there are likely still a lot of unresolved issues that are preoccupying him such as working out custody arrangements, financial support, and other big things that get sorted out during a divorce.
When you’re dating a divorced or divorcing dad, it’s important to keep expectations in check. I don’t know how old his kids are, but he does have an obligation to care for his kids—that’s simply part of who he is and part of his responsibilities. And so if he is doing daddy stuff on the weekends and that’s their current custody arrangement with his ex, it will likely be difficult for him to be doing dating activities on the weekends.
When you’re feeling bitter and resentful, it is pointing to a need that is not being met in your relationship. So I would encourage you to think about, what need is not being met that is causing you to feel bitter? What would be the ideal situation? And would it be realistic to have your needs met the way that you want them to in this relationship?
For example, if you have a love for spontaneous weekend getaways or frequent date nights (and there is totally nothing wrong with wanting these things), this might not be something that he can provide at this time because he is undergoing a divorce and caring for children, which takes a lot of time and planning. His children have needs that he has to attend to.
So how long should you wait? It really depends on what matters to you. It’s different for everyone. How long do you want to wait? Because he isn’t available in the way that you’d like him to be you have some choices to make: you can either let go of those needs, or find a different way to have those needs met (like what other things can you do together to meet those needs?), or consider that this might not be the right relationship for you if you find that your needs are continually not being met.
I included some links here in my response that might be helpful as you continue to think about this. I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
I have recently met 1 month now dating a separated guy whom I love very much nd he luvs me too,he is always there for me when ever I need him he loves my kids as well,he is so open to me. We talked about almost everything but he can’t open up to me about the reason for separation nd when I ask about it he says he is not ready to talk about it,he becomes very emotional when trying to talk about it, I dont want to sound pushy but at the same time I want to know.Should I have more patience or what must I do.
Hi princess, Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel your concern. If he doesn’t want to open up about the reasons for his separation, doesn’t feel ready to talk about it, and gets very emotional when trying to talk about it, that’s an indication that he still carrying/processing a lot of emotional energy about his previous relationship. It’s still so fresh for him that he’s emotionally preoccupied with it right now.
It’s just like when we’ve experienced a major trauma or transition in our life (the death of someone close to us, etc), that can occupy A LOT of our emotional energy. But eventually we heal and get on with our lives.
Well divorce is like the death of a relationship. And depending on how long they’ve been married, a divorce can feel like the death of a civilization; there’s a lot of history there. It takes time to grieve the loss.
But if he’s still grieving and still processing his past, he might not be ready for a relationship right now because he might not be emotionally available to nurture a new relationship.
But should you wait for him to be ready? That depends. It’s ultimately up to you, what you really want and how long you would be willing to wait.
I wrote an article answering that very question “Should You Wait for Him to be Ready for a Relationship?“. You might find it helpful! 🙂
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I have been dating a recently divorced guy for about nine months and I would love to have your advice in relation to social media. I believe their relationship and short lived marriage was posted all over their Facebook/Instagram pages. He has since hidden the photos but he now hates social media. He also hates me using it which really bothers me because I don’t broadcast my whole life online.
The photos and the video of his wedding are also very accessible online (I know I shouldn’t have looked but I couldn’t help it!) and this upsets me. Am I selfish to want him to have all this evidence removed?
Thanks,
Hi Ann, Thanks for your comment! I feel your concern. I know it feels upsetting to see that he has his photos of his past relationship on social media. This is not uncommon (to feel upset about it and the fact that he has pictures from his past online).
But what I would recommend is to first ask yourself why you’re feeling upset or threatened by seeing photos of his past. What concerns or thoughts come up for you?
It’s important to take a look at how you’re feeling about this and why you’re feeling it because the truth is…our emotional reaction to things is 100% “our stuff.” You’re getting upset because seeing those photos and knowing that he has those photos on his social media feed is triggering something in you. Find out what that something is. Once you know what’s really triggering you, you’re better able to decide whether it’s really appropriate to ask him to ask it down.
The second thing I would recommend is to remember that we ALL have a past. He has a past. You have a past.
Whether we’re proud of it or not, there are pictures of us out there on social media from our past. I recently recorded a class on Dealing with Baggage that you might find helpful (and it’s a free download). We have to take a look at what we’re telling ourselves when we feel threatened and discern: is the threat real? For example, you might feel upset and threatened that he still has pics of his wedding online…maybe you have thoughts that come up that say “if he has pics of his wedding online, it must mean he’s still in love with her, or he doesn’t really love me, or he doesn’t really care about me…” I encourage you to take a look at what thoughts are coming up for you…and really examine whether they are true OR whether they are a story you are telling yourself.
Whenever I go to my sister-in-laws and mother-in-laws home, there are pictures of my husband and his ex-wife hanging on the walls and on the mantle…And my husband still keeps pictures and letters of him his exwife down in s box in the garage because he intends to give them to his daughters some day when they are older. At first, seeing those things were weird to me, slightly threatening, but I got over it. At the end of day I realized that my emotional reaction is all me, all my hang up; I didn’t have any reason to feel threatened.
Having a past, having baggage, isn’t a bad thing. It’s how we CHOOSE to handle our past that determines whether or not it interferes with our future relationship success.
If he is really DWELLING in the past and preoccupied with the past or carrying a lot of emotional energy about the past to the point where he is really not present to his current relationship, then it might indeed interfere with his ability to be emotionally available for a relationship with someone new–that would be cause for concern. So examine your relationship. Do you have a reason to feel threatened? But if he isn’t preoccupied with his past and those pictures are simply there because they are part of his past, part of his history, but he’s really moved on emotionally from his past, I would not worry about it.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
A few months ago i met a recently divorced man online and we hit it off instantly. At the time we met his divorce had only been finalized for 6 months. Him and his ex had still been living under the same house at different times during the week to transition their three young children. I was understanding of this situation because my parents did the exact same thing during their divorce. During the time that we spent together we really had an amazing connection that i have not felt with someone before but i had doubts about his emotional availability since he was dealing with so much stress and still situating his life after the divorce. Him and is ex had a lot of negative feelings towards each other and she was making his life very difficult with the kids and forced him to move out by finding a reason to place a restraining order. It was all quite dramatic and he fell into a state of depression and could not cope. During this time he fell away from me and other people in his life and completely disappeared for a month. This was very difficult for me because i had always been supportive of him and made it clear that if he was not ready for a relationship that i understood and could not fault him for it. After a month he explains to me the mental state he was in and apologized for not opening up to me and being able to talk to me about the stress he was feeling and what was going on in his life. I felt really betrayed even though i understand that a divorce can be a very traumatic experience and a lot is involved in the process of it all, especially when children are involved. He admitted that he needed to work on himself and could not be in a relationship and give me what i needed but he still wanted to talk. Even though i was able to understand the situation, my feelings were very confused since he was saying how much he cared about me and wanted to be with me but was not able to. Well, he disappeared for another month after we had talked. During this time he was still dealing with the custody arrangement of his kids and financial struggles due to lawyers and trying to have a civil relationship with his ex. Now, a month after his disappearance, he is back and wanting to make up for shutting me out again and how sorry he is that at the time he was unable to be the person he wanted to be for me because he was emotionally overwhelmed and not ready. He says that things are finally settled and him and his ex have reconciled their differences so they can co-parent their kids in a healthy way. He is also in a better financial and mental state now that the stressors have been relieved. Although i understand that he was not ready, and i can appreciate that he now is able to own up to what happened, it still doesn’t make me feel any better about it. It really hurt me the way that he just dissapeared and it makes it hard for me to trust that he will not do it again under another time of emotional stress. He keeps telling me that he really cares for me and wants to prove to me that he is committed and wants to be with me and treat me the way that i deserve now that he is able to. I just need help to figure out if this is worth trying again..i do still care about him a lot and we share something that i have not felt with someone before, I’m just worried that he still might not be ready even though he may think he is…what are some things that i should look for from him now that his life is in a more stable state?
Hi Liz,
I feel your concern and your desire to be cautious because you were hurt before. And, while it was painful, it’s good that he owned up to his faults in that regard.
I would encourage you to think about: what would you need to know in order to say yes to the relationship and what would you need to know in order to say no to the relationship. It really comes down to your relationship needs (what do you need in a relationship in order for it to work for you) and requirements (what are your deal breakers; what will you absolutely not tolerate).
So when you ask “what should you look for from him?”, you should look to see whether your needs and requirements are being met. Is there evidence of your needs and requirements being met?
There hasn’t been in the past, as you mentioned. But now that he is in a different situation and more stable state, you would need to decide whether or not you want to give him another chance. And by that I mean decide whether you want to continue to date him to see if he is someone who can meet your needs and requirements and if you are a good long-term match.
How do you decide? It’s up to your vision and goals. In your heart, which path feels most aligned with the vision for your life?
I wrote some articles exploring those questions of Is he ready for a relationship after divorce and Is this relationship worth it, that you might find helpful.
I hope this is helpful!
All the best,
Melissa
I am in the same boat. I met this wonderful man 10 months ago. I did not exactly know how long ago his divorce was finalized. But we started dating. I assume he had been divorced and emotionally checked out long ago. What turns out that his divorce was not quite done yet. Although he was emotionally divorced from his ex wife long time ago, he could not bring himself to jump right back into another serious relationship with another woman. He was married 24 years and did not date much prior to his 24 year old marriage. Although we were compatible on all levels (yes all levels!) and we never fought (we got along so well), he could not give me what I wanted. I was divorced 7 years ago having dated often and was ready for a serious relationship.
I hear people say no matter when he got out of a marriage, if he meets a right woman, he would commit. I don’t believe this. People who get out of a marriage (especially long term) need to give themselves ample time to recover, re-assess, and re establish themselves finding out who they were and who they have become to be before they start giving themselves another chance for a new love. They would work harder at re establishing themselves to be the provider and protector to be the man again. I’m hurt and my heart got crashed, but at the same time, I feel that I need to respect his wish. Therefore, we agreed to break up. He tells me someday in the future when he knows he’s ready, he will reach out to me. Although I’m not going to wait for him, if I’m still single at that time and if it’s meant to be, who knows, I’ll probably get back to him …
I have learned that a man must be ready to give his woman 100 percent of his devotion to build a loving relationship. Not 50 percent 75 percent …. If you want a real man and if you want a real relationship, not a casual one…
In the meantime, I’m moving on.
Please be careful and guard your heart when you encounter a wonderful man who has recently divorced.
Marie –
Hi Marie, Thanks so much for sharing your story. I feel you. I’m sorry your heart was broken in the process. Relationship readiness is so important and so foundational for relationship success. And part of being ready means being emotionally and physically available for a new relationship. (and being clear and forthright about the kind of new relationship that he wants, his intentions).
Wishing you hope and healing,
Melissa
Hi everyone,
I just found this website and I found it very interesting… I wish people from different experiences can read me and help me, because I’m having mixed feelings right now…
I was dating a recent divorce guy, when I met him it was two weeks after his wife left him because she cheated on him. We start talking on the internet(that’s how we met).
When we start talking I knew he was recently divorced and that we probably be just friends… because he was always talking about her, he was very sad sometimes, sometimes not. He talk to me a lot about her and that how is so difficult for him to forget about it ..etc. After 5-6 months we start dating because we thought he was ready, he was feeling better and we both like each other a lot… but after two months he discovered his exwife was a bit interested in him and his new relationship (me) which confused him a lot, ofc the girl didn’t want him back because she is happy with her new guy, but that was the thing that helped me to determine that I should give him more time to heal… and we broke up. It hurted my feelings I was really sad… he was my second boyfriend and I was really trying to love him while he was thinking about me but thinking about his past too.. we remain friends, we talked after two months, we talk about everything new that has happened in our lives how we are and everything, suddenly we were writing to each other everyday again (for the record we live in different countries but we have travel to see each other many times when we were together). Well I cannot deny that there I still have strong feelings for him and I can tell he has them too, last time we saw each other we kiss, we hug and he really misses me, he wants to be with me again and I want it too but he is not over yet… he still cries and feels really sad sometimes because of his marriage… so I don’t know what to do… many people tell me that I should just forget about him and find another guy who can really love me and think only about me, maybe they are right.. but I really like him but I’m scared of everything… I know he is very hurted and that it was a traumatic experience for him but I felt so sad when I was with him and he was crying with me about his exmarriage and maybe that’s how it’s gonna be with every man who was a past like that…
please I’d appreciate your coments, what would you do?, what do you think I should do?
thanks
Hi Melissa,
thank you so much for this great article. I am glad I found it. 5 weeks ago I met a wonderful guy, we started texting on our phones for the first two weeks because we both are really busy and there is almost no time at all to meet. He is a dentist, divorced since august and has a daughter 3 years old. Then we finally went out on a date and it was a perfect night. We both don’t even speak the same language, which makes it more difficult. He is from Spain, I am from Germany and his english is ok but our conversation is more a mix out of every language we know. Which makes each conversation so special and fun. After this date it took us another 2,5 weeks to meet and we used to be in contact only on our phones 24h. the second date was even more special and we both understand each other so perfect. It’s actually the perfect fit, but 3 days after the second date … something happened and I just don’t know what it really is or what I could do. He told me that he has a lot of problems with his ey wife, because she wants to change the schedule with the kid and everything else. This gives him such a headache. And our contact is very little now. From 24h texting on the phone into texting every second day into no contact …
and this breaks my heart like crazy. I told him to step back a little bit because his family and the situation has more priority and actually I am afraid to text anything, because I don’t know if it is appropriate. And then his last answer was … that I am incredible, and he likes spending time with me, he likes to be with me. But his life right now is in a really difficult situation and he wants me to enjoy life. Because he can not date me in the way he likes to want me date.
I don’t know what to do … I don’t really know what to say. Because I don#t want to give up.
Du you please have any advise?
Thanks a lot Melissa!
Greetings from Madrid!
Hi Melissa,
I am so glad I found your site. I have been a bit lost and sad lately and would like to share my story with you. I’m going to try and sum it up.
I met this guy (age 34, I’m 35) I work at the same company (full time) with (but a different division, so I never see him) when I was doing a demo (I also freelance) one day at a store. Coincidentally, I had taken a picture of him with his work group 4 days prior but didn’t realize he was in it. Once we figured this out and I helped him choose a bottle of wine and he asked if I wanted to come over and split the bottle with him when I was done with my shift. I thought, might as well! I had been on 2 previous bad dates so I thought, he seems like the friend type so I’ll just go over to his house! LOL!
When I got to this house it was practically empty. That’s when I learned he was in the process of signing the divorce papers in 2 weeks (I met him the week before Halloween) and that he has a 3-yr-old son. He had bought his wife out of the house, and she had moved out in early August, and he planned on renting it out to tenants. He wants to also do property mgmt on the side as a gig.
Anyway, we start talking…it was the most intense connection I’ve ever had in my life. It was one of those “Where have you been all my life?” moments. We have tons in common: same type up upbringing, our family values, outlook on life, goals, interests, kids…I ended up staying there for 4 hours just chatting with him. Then he kissed me and it was amazing.
The next day he called me and I wanted to see him again. He came over to my place and the same thing happened: we chatted for hours…we both started feeling like we had known each other our whole entire life. The whole thing was (still is I should say) genuine and real. He also knew down the road that I wanted to get settled and have a family of my own one day – when you get to 35 and you’re still single, you need to cut to the chase, LOL! He loved that about me.
A couple weeks later we had sex, it was amazing. I really don’t regret doing it too soon even to this day, because we’re both mature, grown adults, and sometimes it just feels right.
Meanwhile, he was about to move out of the house him and his wife shared and move into his parents place about 30 min north so he could save money and figure things out.
The wife he had (has? I’ll get to that in a minute) just did not treat him fairly…it seems like she got married too young as well – she was 22, he was 28. They were married for 6 years. We would talk about her once in a awhile but I wanted to know only because I wanted to see what happened. He would shed some light here and there – she is definitely a miss merry homemaker, never worked, she’s currently stripping him of all of his money. Me? I have a FT job and a side business, never married, no kids, so I’ve always known what it’s like to pull my own weight. The guy I was seeing was attracted to me because of my honesty and realistic ways. For example, he told me that when he was married to her that she thought their problems were unique. No they aren’t, they happen in any relationship! I said. That’s what I said to her and she wouldn’t listen! He said. He liked me because I had a sense of the “real world” whereas he was trapped in this marriage bubble. There would be times he would say things like, I want to throw my son a party that day, but now SHE said she’s doing it! Sorry, it won’t be like this forever, still adjusting…for some reason I don’t know why, but I just chose to be kind, sympathetic and understanding throughout the whole thing.
A few days after our 3rd date, he moved,, and that’s when I noticed a slight change in him. He would talk, but wasn’t as flirty, a bit distant. He’d chat about his outings with his son. There were times he would say that he was so happy he met me because he never thought he’d meet someone like me and that his focus should be me. I told him he also needed to love and focus on himself as well, in response he said that I shouldn’t worry about him and that I’m special to him. We were suppose to get together possibly on that Sunday, whereas he said because his son had come down with a cold that he needed to watch him that night. Why he couldn’t just see me earlier in the day was beyond me, even if it was for a few hours. He wouldn’t communicate efficiently, the same thing had happened earlier in the week and he apologized for it.
That Sunday that he was suppose to watch his son I asked why he couldn’t make some time to see me for a bit earlier in the day – his son lives 15 blocks from me! Why did I ask this? Because I hadn’t seen him in about a week and a half by then, PLUS he kept saying how he wanted to see me but wasn’t setting a day. Because I have a hectic professional life, esp.during the holidays, whereas his personal life is more complicated, I decided to take some action, I need things planned out! He responded by saying that he was unpacking at his parents house and that he was upset that he had to move back in (even though I kept giving him encouragement), this wasn’t gonna work between us, he’s trying to figure himself out again and that I needed someone that was going to spend more time with me.
WHAT?!
First off, he never said what his plans were earlier in the day the night before. Had he just said, Hey, can we hang another day, I need to unpack – I would’ve been more sympathetic. Because I like having the last word I called him. He said he felt like I was “pushing and pressuring” him and that he “didn’t want to feel rushed.” I told him that I didn’t think he was my BF, nor did I think that I was his GF, but when two people first start dating, they just wanna be around each other and explore more of what was there you know that honeymoon phase – no need to rush into anything! He backed down and agreed. I told him that he had been saying so much how he missed me and wanted to see me and had no action so I stepped up, then he said that he’s trying to figure out himself, so I said, fine: you go figure out yourself, and I’m going to go and meet someone who wants to be with me.
Crickets.
But I still want to talk to you and see you he said. You can’t have your cake and eat it too! I shot back.
Little did I know what was about to come.
A little over a week later I started thinking about how stupid our little fight was. We apologized and agreed we both wanted to be happy in life. The next day he asked how I was doing and that he was going through some personal things. I said what’s up? He said he felt like if he said something he would come across as negative and if I don’t I’m a pussy. Because I learned that he is easily influenced and has a soft, emotional spot (he’s a hopeless romantic, did I mention that he proposed to his wife after 9 months?!), I convinced him to come over to my place and tell me what was going on. I got all dolled up (it worked), but then what he said next killed my heart.
The day we got into a fight, he went to take care of his sick son at his ex-wife’s place. Well guess what? They had a romantic moment and ended up having sex. I kept a poker face and stayed calm but my heart was breaking. All of a sudden 5 months of being separated, getting rid of the house, now this?! He said he still thinks he might have romantic feelings for her and I said what does she want? She wants to keep going through with the divorce, he said. Are you sure she didn’t want just one last f**k with you?! I asked back. He said, possibly. Then he really went into details about her, about how he’s paying all the child support and alimony to her and $500 to his parents for rent. She still wanted more money. And the guy I’m seeing just keeps getting sucked in. Then he told me that a year ago she had left him for 2 months to go back to her parents house 2 hours south, so he would have to drive and see his son there. He bitched how on Superbowl Sunday she bitched that he was drinking a couple beers an watching the game when she wanted him to make dinner with her – I mean WTF?! I said to him, why do you put up with it?! She’s caused you enough pain, be a man and step up, you’re acting like the woman in the relationship! At first I didn’t like her because of how she’s been treating him but hell I underestimated her: this girl is danglin him, dragging her feet with the divorce papers and takin all his money, she’s got his ass whipped! He said that he would like to try and make it work for the sake of their son. I told him that that’s cool that he wants to take care of his son (which btw is confused about why dad isn’t always around), but that his happiness also matters.
So what happened next: well we went out to dinner, once again, had a strong connection, had a 5 hour dinner date, came back to my place, had tears in his eyes, kissed me and told me that he still has feelings for me. At this point I just lost it and cried (and the next morning realized I was in a love triangle). I told him this timing sucks and it’s not fair, he deserves to be loved, respected and treated fairly, he makes me feel so alive and I have been looking for someone like him all my life. He teared up and kissed me again and said that he loves being around me too and that we make each other laugh all the time. We have the kind of connection where our hearts are constantly beating fast and the hugs and kisses are amazing. It’s not the kind of connection where it’s like oh I want to get you in bed. It’s more genuine and different than that. Days later I learned that a small part of me is in love with him…now I know what love at first sight means.
So we started to make out and chat more. No sex, I was on my period, we only had sex that one time. I kept saying how understanding I was, and at this point I was questioning myself about why I was so understanding. He already knew how I felt about him prior. I started realizing days later that I had a compassionate side as a friend for what he was going through, but that the feelings I had for him held me there.
I decided to tell him about a health condition of mine (which I had been trying to find the right timing for and it never was). I thought, he should be able to meet me halfway with my condition since all I have been f’in doing is being sympathetic about his divorce. He was a bit sympathetic but also freaked out. He asked some more questions about my condition and I answered honestly. I was calm. Then he said he needed time to process it. I remember him leaning up against my wall as I sobbed, I told him all that mattered is how he felt about me when we were together, and he gently touched me and said I know I just need time to process what you told me.
That was 2 weeks ago and still no text or call. Want to give me your insight? And yes, I have thought about what I wanted, I’ve already been through that process. Some days I do really really good but nights like tonight I miss him like crazy. He’s the only one I can talk to about anything. My heart aches. Some days I’m in denial (like tonight) like he’ll call soon but I really don’t know if he ever will. I know I let myself down a bit. I hate that ex-wife to death but she’s also not a dumby.
KC.
Hi KC, Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your story. I feel you. I know that must be really frustrating and heartbreaking when he pulls away after having such an intense connection with him. It’s really hard. And it’s a common story; so you’re not alone in your experience.
There’s one thing that really stands out to me and that’s his readiness for a relationship. The fact that he slept with his ex is a huge red flag. It indicates that there’s still a lot of emotional energy there and that he’s either not over his ex or not over his marriage (or both), and the fact that he hasn’t emotionally (or PHYSICALLY!) moved on from his ex and his marriage severely limits his emotional availability for a new relationship.
The same for him blowing hot and cold. When men give mixed messages, it’s a huge indication that they don’t really know what they want right now. For most men who are undergoing a big transition in their life, this is often the case. And so when they blow hot and cold, it’s like they’re just doing what feels good in the moment without really thinking long-term. And if you’re dating him, this can really put your heart through the wringer.
So the question that I pose to women in this situation is: what do you want to do while he figures his life out? The ball is ALWAYS in your court. You get to choose who you share your heart with.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Jenny, Thanks so much for your comment and story. I’m so glad the article his helpful to you! I feel your frustration, though. I know that must be difficult and heartbreaking.
But when he says that his life right now is in a really difficult situation and that he wants you to enjoy life, he’s basically saying that he can’t give you want you want or that he can’t offer the relationship experience that you want or that he thinks you want. He wants to be able to date you in a certain way, but his life circumstance right now doesn’t make him available for that kind of dating—and he realizes that. He doesn’t feel ready for a new relationship right now.
So you have some choices: you can stay…but know that he won’t be able to give you want you want or what he wants to give you right now…which will have an effect on your happiness. Or you can leave the relationship, which also has an effect on your happiness—at least for the short term.
So it is really up to you….I encourage you to think about what would you like to do given where he is in his readiness for a new relationship.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Koneki, Thanks for your comment and for reaching out! I know that must feel really sad and frustrating when he is crying over his ex-marriage.
But when he is still crying over his marriage and his ex and always talking about her, that’s sounds like he’s not over his ex-wife. There’s still a lot of emotional energy there…and it’s preoccupying him to the point where he is not really emotionally available for a new relationship right now. He still has some healing to do over the the dissolution of his marriage.
You have to decide what you’d like to do knowing that he is not really ready right now for a new relationship: whether you’d like to stay in the relationship with him or move on. If you stay, you will likely not get your needs met because he is still healing from his previous relationship and not available to meet your needs. But there are risks in leaving, too, because you would be ending your relationship with him.
I encourage you to think about what really matters to you for your long-term happiness, and what impact staying or leaving would have on your long-term happiness.
I hope this help provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa
Great reading all the stories and experiences as well as your responses in this article.
I am a soon to be divorced man from a marriage that started in 1998. After having 2 great teenage kids with my ex that I have been separated for almost 5 years and share custody with (we are in cordial terms), a couple of GFs since and break ups after, I am now seeing a very sweet and wonderful, very smart, really smart woman (did I say smart a couple of times?), 7 years younger than I am who has never been married nor had kids. She seems to be doing all the right things I read from your article here and I fully understand where she is coming from now. I don’t think she needs to read your article nor every stories here as she is a psychology graduate/masters. The only thing I know is she likes me a lot and she has laid down all her cards in the table & so have I. I do however feel that I may be rushing her to commit with me because she herself had just been through a bad break up after a 7 yr relationship & that she wasn’t ready to commit with me just yet. She has now finally wanted to have a family and that the last one she was with wasn’t the right fit. I seem to fit everything else she is looking for a man, except for the “extra baggage” I am carrying as a formerly married/soon to be divorced man. I now find my self in the same spot when I met my then ex wife as she was a single mom then recently separated woman and I was the single guy.
I didn’t know that my marriage was going to end but it did after I tried several times to salvage it. I guess I am looking to get some pointers as I am the very kind of person this article is talking about. This gal I am seeing is a bit hesitant as she probably wants to give it time to see if I’ll be someone she will want as a life partner as I am ready my self to be with her.
It doesn’t help either that when she is with me she treats me like I am her BF already (no physical or kissing yet involved, I respect that from a woman) but she says she is not yet but I’m the only one she is seeing and entertaining which I believe as she is one of the most honest person I have ever met. I have all the perfect qualities most women wants except that I am a divorce/soon to be divorced man as she also tells me all the time…Maybe I’m on the wrong blog but I searched for something like your article to help me understand why she is how she is & now I really understand now.
I just don’t know how long she’ll take to be able to decide if I am the long term partner she will pick as she is in a timeline to settle down and have babies right after as her own clock is ticking (her words). I am am very much ready and have been able to take my life back and as as qualified bachelor as anyone else that is ready to settle and have a family (again) but also a smarter one at it this time as I have have also told her. She is not the perfect candidate but that’s why I like her it’s because she is the sweetest woman I have ever met in my life & I want to spend the rest of my life with her ( I told her this already too).
Your help would be greatly appreciated if you can throw me some pointers how to make this work for both of us as we really love each other a lot but there’s the hesitation from her end along with her family, (none from my side). I am sure of myself and have no hang up anymore with my ex either, just want to be with this gorgeous and very beautiful inside and outside woman.
Yours truly,
Hon for short (honey, that’s what she calls me)
Hi Hon, Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so sorry for the delay in replying. I had major surgery the day before you posted this comment and am just now getting back on my feet.
So I’m hearing your question is how to make it work given her hesitation. It sounds like she doesn’t feel 100% ready to commit yet. There are many factors to relationship readiness and it’s not really a process than can be hurried or forced; each individual has their own sense of what’s important to them in terms of readiness and what they need and require in a relationship.
If she doesn’t feel ready to commit yet, there is likely something within her own life that she feels she needs to resolve in order to feel fully available for a committed relationship with you and/or she has some needs and requirements that she needs time to see whether they will be met in her relationship with you….and that exploration takes time.
I would keep the channels of communication open with her; ask her what her hesitation is and what does she need in order to make a decision. Readiness is a very personal decision and something that she needs to arrive at on her own, but you can help her with that decision by being as open and finding out how/whether you can meet her needs and requirements.
I hope this helps!
All the best,
Melissa
Read through this article and some of the comments just to see what it had to say since I am in this position from the opposite perspective. Long story short, she walked out on me and the kids after 18 years. She was a SAH for the better part. After the final child started first grade, she wanted a new car. The agreement was she would get a newer used car and atleast a PT job. She got the job, got the car, quit and walked out. Immediately shacked up with an mutual friend of ours. Divorce is still not final (she filed) 8 months and counting. First 3 months I got my life in order and avoided contact with anyone. 4-6 months started communicating with family and friends again. Speak, on occasion, to a close friend of the soon to be ex. The more we speak the more I am starting to develop feelings for her. She is also divorced (going on 4 years) , I let her know I am starting to have feelings for her and we are talking more frequently – mutual, not me forcing conversations (small town). She let me know she needed time to process it. Told her I understand. She seems very interested and I intend to continue talking to her. Had the soon to be ex not shacked up with someone it would have made it difficult to move in this direction but she made it easy.
Hi Mark, Thanks for sharing your story. I feel you. Moving on isn’t easy after 18 years of marriage. But it can feel easier if your ex has moved on.
All the best,
Melissa
I have been dating a guy for about a year and a half. He was married in 2011 and moved to Colorado with her in 2013. They split shortly after getting here. I have trust issues as I have been burned MANY times before… He seems scared and distracted when I bring up my friends are getting married or someone close to me got engaged and it worries me. So much so that I have started not sleeping or when I do having awful dreams of him leaving me or breaking it to me at the worst time that he is still married. I’ve tried searching for their divorce records with no success. How do I ask him if they are legally divorced?? I don’t want to come off as crazy because I went through extreme lengths to find paperwork, but I love him, I want to build a life with him, and I want to possibly start planning a wedding in the near future. None of that can happen if he is still married though! I know very little about their relationship and their divorce(or if they are even legally divorced). Please help! 🙁
Hi Bree,
Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel you. That’s a really tough situation to be in. First, though, I want to note that any time your life or relationship such levels of distress to where your normal, healthy functioning is compromised—like losing lots of sleep and experiencing a lot of anxiety—I would highly highly recommend that you check-in with a therapist or counselor who can help you get back to normal functioning. It will be much easier to take on these relationship challenges when you have ongoing support and when you’re feeling more physically well.
If he is acting scared or distracted or resisting wanting to talk about marriage or if you feel like he is holding back the truth about his marital status…there could be several things going on here. He might not feel ready for a relationship or might not know what he wants (or how to communicate it) so he is avoiding talking about it. The other thing could be that he hasn’t figured out his vision for his life after divorce and is really unsure about remarrying.
The only way to really know is to have an honest conversation with him. Yes, that can be scary because there are risks involved. He might resist the conversation or you might out something that you didn’t want to hear. Or you could find out that you’re worrying about nothing at all. But you won’t know until you take that risk. I have an article about how to tell him how you feel without scaring him away that you might find helpful. Also, when we have trust issues that interfere with our relationship, it means we’re letting our own baggage hold us back. I have a free audio on dealing with baggage that you might find helpful as well.
If he is still married or if he is unsure of what he wants, then those unresolved issues are really going to interfere with the success of his next relationship. He needs to resolve those issues—get a divorce and figure out what he wants—before he can really be emotionally available for a new relationship. And he, alone, is responsible for resolving those issues.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
all the best,
Melissa
P.S. And if you suspect that he is being really shady and hiding his true marital status—don’t ignore your gut feelings about these things. If he’s not being open with you and if he’s holding back, chances are he’s scared of telling his truth because he has something to hide.
I have never written on one of these sites before so here goes. I was introduced to a man who is mid divorce (separated 8 months) – by a friend – she thought were were very compatible. We talked and messaged for 7 weeks (he lives abroad – but this is not an issue for us as we both travel and can see each other frequently plus I can work from anywhere). He is an amazing man, not a player, lovely, sweet and kind and we connected straight away. We formed a seriously close bond over that 7 week period – daily calls, messages etc., and he was talking about us in relationship terms. I think that we were introduced to someone who knew us both really well made it all so much more relaxed. I have never been so heavily persued by someone. We finally met last week for our first date and it was great. Really great. Yes we had sex – afternoon, then again that evening and in the morning and it was great – loving and gentle and passionate. He left for the office that morning and was lovely – kisses etc. so sweet. I thought that was it to be honest. I was certainly into him and it seemed it was into me. That afernoon he messaged me as usual, lots of kisses as usual and then he went out to dinner with his daughter (who I know is very emtionally dependent and not happy about the divorce). The next morning he called and said he couldn’t do it, too soon, wasn’t ready, wasn’t over the ex (he instigated the divorce as he was in a sexless marriage – not the only reason, but one of them), said it was bad timing and that not quite the right connection (I think that was confusion with not ready to be honest because you could have fooled me!). I am heart broken, but I have not lost hope. He messaged me with the above reasons and I contemplated for a while and send a very adult, no pressure response which said I was confused but I would respect his wishes and that I had a great time and thought he was a great guy and that I was here if he needed a friend or a shoulder to lean on. I wanted to leave the door open. We got on SO well – we always have from day 1 – I am just heart broken and I miss him terribly. I have not had any further contact from him and I will not send any further contact as I think he needs some space. But I feel deep down we were just soul mates and it would be waste to chuck this away too quickly without perhaps a different approach after some space? Help!
Hi Grace,
I know what you’re going through must be really hard. I know it’s really difficult when you’ve spent a lot of time with someone, fallen in love and then they pull away and say they’re not ready.
But if he says it was bad timing, not quite the right connection, not ready for a relationship, and that he’s not over his ex, it’s actually a good thing that he is making himself clear about where he stands because it gives you the opportunity to make relationship choices–whether he’s a good long-term fit for you–based on his truth.
It’s normal to feel heartbroken and to miss him after you’ve had such a connection. But in order to heal from the breakup and avoid re-opening emotional wounds, I encourage you to avoid contact with him for at least eight weeks. This will allow you and him some space and allow you opportunity to focus on you and your own self-care during this breakup.
If you reconnect later, sure, why not re-evaluate both your readiness for a relationship and how you feel about each other and see if you both want to give it another go.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
I just ended a 1.5 year relationship with a man. He reached out to me on the online dating website while he was still separated. I fell for him and went through the entire divorce with him. The journey was filled with ups and downs, with him persuading me to take a leap of faith to embark the relationship with him (he is quite good at making sales pitch) and his ex hiring a detective to follow us and dragging me into the divorce deposition. I have stood by him all the way, giving him the support and comfort he needed. By the end of his divorce, he updated his online dating profile and told me that he could not see himself just escaping a painful marriage to enter another committed relationship. However, knowing my emotion tie with him, and he would not be bale to meet my need from relationship, he continued to see me for another extended period. I know I should take a part of responsibility for my own actions. But when you are in love with someone and have invested so much into the relationship, you don’t want to give up easily and would hold on to any hope that he would come around by finally appreciating your love and devotion.
Well, we finally had an argument and ended it. He needed to be on his own to find himself and sort out, and he cannot be in a committed relationship. Knowing his online dating profile is still active, I just hope there would not too many woman ended up like me, tired, drained, heartbroken, and losing the sens of who I am in the 1.5 years with him.
In the end, I finally see who he really is, an selfish man. And I have a good share of my own to blame for.
The truth is just like this article says, these men suffer from terrible marriages, they long for experiencing the warm fuzzy love feelings. However, they have no much to offer and give. They end up sucking your emotion dry with no return. Be really aware before you step into a relationship with a man who is in divorce or recently after divorce.
Hi Kathy, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry you were pulled through that storm. I feel you. When a man is going through a divorce, it is a really volatile time. And after they get a divorce, they are still in a lot of transition and are often trying to figure out what they really want. I really acknowledge you for your self-awareness!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi. I too dated a man who just got divorced… We were friends when we were younger & We reconnected after a long time. We hit it off instantly…starting hanging out & dating. I feel in love with him but never told him cause I didn’t want him to feel pressured to say it back. It was very honest about being drained from his 20 yr marriage and that he could be all in. I accepted the risk and we continued dating exclusively for 1 1/2 years. I never was introduced to the child as a girlfriend … That was something very important to him… But it hurt my feelings… Everything hurt my feelings. My needs weren’t being met. I knew it & he knew it. Then he slowly started trying & I noticed more expression towards me so I thought he was progressing but apparently he was dying inside and after so long could no longer give anything & said he couldn’t be in a relationship. My heart was broken. I had fallen hard.. He had not. He likes me a lot. We have fun… That’s about all he could give me. I wish I would have stepped back earlier & made the decision for him to walk away and give him time after knowing he was emotionally unavailable. We think we can change their minds… And we will be so great that they can’t resist. It’s A recipe for disaster. Girls… Take my advice. As someone who is been divorced a long time and was ready for a relationship. Be very careful getting into a relationship with a man who is in a completely different place than you. It usually doesn’t end well. You have different expectations and you’re always feeling sad and disappointed and he’s always feeling frustrated because he can’t make you happy. It would’ve been easier to let him go at three months then in a year and a half. And it was his decision instead of mine which feels more like rejection to me. I wish I would’ve held my head up high and cared enough about myself and Him to walk away early but I was so desperate to make it work because I really truly love him. We are friends but I don’t know if we’ll ever be together again or if he’ll ever be ready in the way I am. Be careful out there. Listen to your heart… Respect yourself.
HI Kelly, Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your story. I feel you; it can be rough when he’s not ready or unsure what he wants, and then discovers he’s not ready after you’ve already invested so much time and emotion together. It’s heartbreaking. And it’s so hard to walk away when you really want to make it work. I really acknowledge you for listening to your heart, respecting yourself, and taking the path that felt most true to you.
All the best,
Melissa
I have been friends with a man for a few years because my ex boyfriend is one of his best friends. He helped point out that my relationship with his friend was going nowhere fast, he is abusive and it should end. Since he was going through a divorce, and we had already been friends, it seemed too easy to get wrapped up in each other rather quickly after I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. Our connection is intense and near perfect. He still has feelings for his ex wife (of course), and they also share a young child. He is also very worried about my ex boyfriend (still his friend) finding out about our relationship, and has said that us ending up together would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, because he doesn’t want to lose that friendship. The more time we spend together, the more intense it is, however. We get along incredibly well. We don’t fight. We are considerate (I think it’s because both of our exes are abusive people, we are used to catering to the other). We seem to have everything. Friendship, support, understanding, patience; and while I have recently taken care of some things financially to help him out, he has paid me back almost entirely. I don’t feel it is an enmeshed situation. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but don’t know if I can continue as I have been going with constant barriers to us being together at some point and getting really hurt. I think the toughest part here is to let faith take over and enjoy the love and connection we share and have shared. I can honestly say that I gave as much as I could at the time and would continue to give in an unselfish manner. I am a very strong and independent person, and I know I will be okay. I want him to also be okay. While him grieving through this divorce is going to be his individual process, I know I have to let go in order to let him do that. But I honestly do not know how to do it. I’ve been trying to keep a distance and not see him as much, and I think he understands the why’s behind it. He’s not pressing. The hardest part of really loving someone who is hurting and is at a bad time in life is embracing the fact that letting go may be the only option. If the timing becomes better down the road, maybe something will happen, but all signs are telling me to let go. How do I do it? How do I tell someone I adore with all my heart that I need to let them go and heal and be their own person, but that I’ll try as hard as I can without hurting myself to be there for him? I can’t talk like this to him. I only write my heart; because I will NOT be able to say any of the above in person….should I write a letter? Email? I don’t know how to do it, without being somewhat of a coward. Help….(I let go of my ex-boyfriend a long time ago, so healing from that is something I have done by getting out, by the way)….maybe his friend is a rebound, but since we had been friends, it felt way more meaningful than that.
Hi Melissa, I found your blog after searching for answers to so many unanswered questions. I just want to pour out my heart.
I met a divorced man sometime last year, he’s been divorced for over a year, they have a 2year old daughter together. He’s 34. This guy is the best person I have met in a while. He’s genuinely kind & easygoing.
I know he’s in love with me. We live in different countries but me communicate the whole day.
The reason he gave for his divorce is that they weren’t compatible & didn’t agree over a lot of things & she was quite bossy.
However, I got worried because this guy seem so perfect so I kept asking for the reason his ex wife gave for divorcing him. I don’t think any woman will leave such a good & seemingly perfect guy if there was no serious reason. I came out to him that I really want to know the real reason she gave in the divorce papers, not because I want to judge him but to avoid making the same mistakes. He acted very reluctant and wanted to talk about other stuff.
I simply told him to take some time off & come back to me when he trusts me enough to tell me about it all. I shut him out by blocking him off my phones even though I miss him so much.
He is ready to commit as he’s always talking about our future together.
Do you think I did the wrong thing by shutting him out? Or I should simply wait for answers..
I don’t want to rush into anything blindly as my curiosity is getting the best of me.
I don’t want to lose him. Pls advise.
Thank you
Hi, thanks for reaching out. I feel you. I know it’s hard walking away when you feel things were going so well.
But I really acknowledge you for trusting your instincts on this one and for standing in your truth; I know that can be challenging when you really like someone and are really attracted to them. I agree that those are important questions to ask because they help inform your relationship.
And if you choose not to be in a relationship with someone until they can be open with you about those things, that is totally your right to do. You can choose or unchoose a relationship.
I know you don’t want to lose him, but if having those questions answered is important to you and he does not want to answer your questions, that gives you valuable information about him, too. Some might even interpret it as a red flag.
By asking those questions and standing by your values, you’re honoring your own needs and requirements. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Gina, thanks for reaching out. I hear you. It’s hard. It sounds like you are following your truth and following what you feel is right…and I really acknowledge you for that. It’s important to be grounded in that feeling and in that inner guidance. And if you sense that he’s not ready for a relationship or ready to really be open about it, it’s totally your choice to decide whether or not you want to stay in that relationship. (As you’ve experienced, if you stay in a relationship with someone who is not ready for one, you often have your needs go unmet).
If you feel writing is your best way of expressing yourself, why not? Writing can be a great way to tell him how you feel. A letter by email perhaps. But if you’re breaking up, I would probably have an in-person talk fist. And then explain your feelings further by email.
Think about how you would like to be told that “it’s not working out right now, I need to step back from this relationship, etc..”; would you rather hear it via email or in person? Sometimes talking about it in person is better for as serous a topic as ending the relationship.
Another option is to write out how you feel and rehearse how you will talk to him. Writing about it prior to your talk can help you clarify your thoughts. Hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Melissa- your blog is so helpful and insightful! I just split up with a guy who I dated for six months. We are both in our 40s, and I’m single and never married (but I have had a long term committed relationship). He has been divorced for two years, has two kids. His ex cheated on him and lives with the guy she cheated on him with. I had been single for a while and was finally ready to get back to dating . . . we met online and it was sparks right from the start . . . we made each other laugh, we were attracted to one another, he was kind and giving. He talked a lot about how he had been out there dating for over a year and hadn’t met anyone, and in fact complained about the lack of connection and closeness with all the the other woman. About six weeks in, his ex took him back to court for child support . . . and then I started realizing that he was constantly fighting with her over text. Not a night went by when she wasn’t sending him nasty texts and he would want me to read them! They also work together, so I had to deal with the fact that he literally sees her every single day. He assured me that what happened with the ex wouldn’t affect us and integrated me into his life, always wanted me around, introduced me to his sisters and mother and kids within 2 months. However, he rarely participated in my life. He met a few of my friends, once each, and then would refuse to meet them or say he would and then blow me off. He never wanted to stay at my place. Meanwhile, everytime we had a weekend together he had to see his sisters, his friends, etc. I liked them so I went along with it. However, I was getting frustrated, between the constant drama with his ex and the fact that it was becoming obvious that I always came last in his life. He was never mean or rude, just increasingly selfish and inconsiderate of my time and plans. The last we saw each other, I went to his kids dance performance and sat between him and his mother. Two days later he texted me telling me he was and is emotionally unavailable. We talked later that week and ended things. Truthfully, I spent the last month leading up to our parting being very unhappy but trying to think long term (ie, he’s such a good guy, he’s worth being patient) but my friends could tell I wasn’t myself. People ask who initiated the breakup, and perhaps we both did, with our actions, but ultimately I told him I would be patient and that I cared about him and he said he just wasn’t ready for a relationship. He cried the entire time we had our final conversation, and then didn’t want to leave, and kept saying things like “You are a perfect woman, if I could have designed an ideal woman it would be you” and telling me to call him if I ever needed help. I am heartbroken, but I think I cannot be his friend, I could never trust him again and truthfully, his life was far more dysfunctional that I initially realized. I am numb half the time, sad the other half, and even though he has texted a couple of times since the breakup, including a poem he wrote about me, I just cannot bring myself to respond. I have some things of his I want to return, but I don’t want to see him, and I don’t know how to tell him that. Part of me is afraid to close the door, but maybe it is for the best. He said he wanted to be “friends” but I just can’t see it- my friends treat me well, so why would I want a “friend” who basically had nothing to give to me, but always took my love and affection? Sometimes I wonder, if he and I had met at another time, perhaps things would be different . . .
Thanks so much for your comment and for reaching out. I’m so glad the info is helpful to you. I feel you. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I know that is painful.
You’re right. The decision of whether or not to be friends is a boundaries issue. It’s really hard to be friends once you’ve already been romantic partners. Often there needs to be some distance and healing of the broken romance — especially if things ended badly — before a friendship has space to take root and grow.
And I know it’s hard when you have some of his things. If you want to maintain distance but return his things to him, maybe you could ship them to him or leave them on his doorstep when he’s not home. when you’re trying to heal from a breakup, it’s best not to keep meeting or talking to each other because that often makes you want each other and so makes it much harder to heal, and can even reopens wounds.
I have a lot of articles on my site about relationship readiness that you might find helpful…such as “He’s not ready for a relationship, now what?”
Hope this is helpful! Wishing you peace,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
My recent experience in New York City with a freshly divorced guy was similar. When I met N, he was one month divorced (although he used “divorced earlier this year”) and I fell for his intellectual and unassuming personality immediately for various reasons which I won’t go into details. What was troubling was also that he was using an alas on Tinder, rather than his real name.
We had a very fun time on the first date, although mostly conversing about his professional career and life experience. He quickly wanted to see me the next day, to which I said a few days later. Second date was very sweet and he asked if I want to go to his apartment. I really liked him so I said yes.
I notice his mood shifts day to day even on texts. And it seemed he lived in two different houses, which he explained later for tax reasons he had to live and work from CT as well. I also discovered some FB posting which showed his short marriage to his ex and many pictures of their weekend putting in CT where it was an image of a loving endearing romance. The divorce seemed exactly a month prior to our first date. and even after the divorce, he and his ex wife still hang out as BFFs and he still seemed smitten. She also lives in CT and I am not sure about their living arrangements post divorce – I didn’t bring these up with him as I didn’t wish to seem as stalking.
The third and fourth dates were fun and they also seemed to be geared towards physical intimacy. We typically ended up sleeping over at each other’s apartments after dinner dates. I grew to like him a lot and miss him.
One day, I texted him ” are you ready for the new world given that you are recently divorced?” He said “sorry for the delay in answering the serious question. I am not going to get married again soon. But what I can say is I am single and dating. As you can see. :)”. A week later, I sensed that he was emotionally available and still liked his ex-wifes FB selfie posting. So I texted ” You are still in love. Are you just looking for sex”. He said “I sense that I have upsetter you and I guess I was looking for human touches. My heart is empty right now but it feels that it takes time to get filled again. Lets meet and talk this weekend if you can”.
We met for a dinner date a day later and he acted very lively, flirts and outgoing. We had a good time that night. The following week his text got spotty and more just funny. I ended up asking him out for a dinner date. He quickly said yes in a lighthearted way (and called me charmer). He picked a romantic and rustic West Village restaurant. When we met, he was very nice, polite but cold. We dined at the bar talked mostly about work (our fields are similar) and his interests etc.
When we were leaving in a cab to go to train station (he only had 1.5 hours as he had to catch train to CT), he was very distant and cold. There was no physical closeness. He ran to the rain and kissed me quickly on lips.
I have not heard from him since that evening and it was 9 days ago. Sometimes I wonder if I was the rebound sex, he is just not interested in me or if it is the fresh divorced and he is still very hang up on his ex-wife. I still miss him.
PS. N told me the reason for their divorce was that she cheated on him. I am confused that how loving they seemed during and after the divorce. Is it possible for divorced couples under these circumstances to still remain BFFs and like each others posts? They don’t have children.
Hi G, Thanks so much for your comment and for reaching out. I hear you. It sounds like he might be giving you mixed messages and thereby not yet ready for a relationship. I also think it is a red flag if he was not initially honest about his marital status (how long ago he had divorced). Couples do sometimes remain in contact with each other, even after divorce, for different reasons…usually to co-parent. But if they don’t have kids, maybe they’ve agreed to be friends, or they could still have some emotional attachment to each other; it could be that he is not yet over his ex.
All the best,
Melissa
I have been talking online on a dating sight to a guy who is going through a divorce. His wife cheated and ran around on him, and he told me quite a few times he no longer cared about her, just their daughter. I know he’s hurt, he doesn’t have to tell me. We’ve had many conversations online, even one where he told me to be careful on my road trip. He suddenly quit speaking to me. Not desperate, nor rushing anything, but I’d like to know why. I want him to know I understand and if I’m still available when he’s ready to date, I’d very much like to meet him. I’m in no hurry, since I’ve been single a good while myself due to a bad relationship.
Hi Ambs, Sorry for the delay; I didn’t see your comment until now. But thank you for reaching out. I feel your concern. It sounds like he might be giving mixed messages or still trying to figure out what he really wants. But there’s no harm in telling him how you feel. Just remember that how he chooses to respond has to do with him and his readiness or his own baggage, not you or your likeability or worthiness for a loving relationship.
All the best,
Melissa
[…] http://happyhealthyrelationship.com/how-to-avoid-getting-your-heart-broken-when-dating-a-recently-di… […]
I am dating a newly divorced guy. We’ve been dating for 6 months. He confessed that he was in love with me, and he enjoys having me around, but every so often he still questions on why his wife left him. His wife left….February of 2015 and the divorce was final in January of 2016. He’s just now packing up her stuff in a box,….so he can give it to his dad, and his dad can give it to her. I think that he should throw it out with the trash, because obviously, she hadn’t come gotten it all this time….she doesn’t care, so why should she?! I love him and care for him alot, but I can’t go through this heartache again….being with someone who’s not over their ex. We haven’t talked in like 2 days. I want to tell him how I feel….be brutally honest, because I can’t take this no more, and I am not dealing with this. It’s not right. It hurts me, honestly. It’s wearing him down, by not letting go of her! PLEASE HELP!!!
Hi Caramel, I feel your pain. Thanks for reaching out. I know this is really frustrating for you.
Since he is very recently divorced, it’s true…he might not be over his ex yet. It takes time to heal from divorce. And this healing is something that he is responsible for, we can’t force it. Forcing it might backfire…like a wound that doesn’t heal properly…the risk in forcing him to “get over it” is that he might begin to blame you and resent you for the constant criticism and for trying to force him to change. And it’s normal for men to take some time to get over their previous relationship, depending on how long they’d been married.
I encourage you to focus on your own self-care and give him the space to do what he needs to do to heal and to put the past behind him. Chasing after him when he’s not ready is just going to make you feel even more frustrated and stressed out…and all the stress and frustration in your relationship could lead to burnout. You can let him know how you feel but also let him know that you need to step back for you own well-being and for the health of the relationship because you don’t want the stress turning you into someone you don’t want to be.
That’s not to say that you don’t love each other. There’s no denying that you both have strong feelings for each other. But we can’t be loving, supportive partners to each other and have a healthy relationship if we’re resenting one another and feeling like we’re at our wits end. Know what I mean?
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa. I must say your blog inspired me alot and made me think alot with the situation I’m in, with my current boyfriend. He still in the process of getting divorced should be final anytime this week! We have known each other for over a year, we been in a relationship for 2months and half. Everything in the beginning of our relationship was amazing and i fell way to fast for him, which it doesn’t happen so quickly. Now his kinda distant with me for the last 2 weeks it’s been so tough on me.
He has been speaking about his ex wife recently, and when we were in bed holding one another, he couldn’t stop crying, as supportive as I was to him I asked him what’s up, his like nothing don’t worry and i was like I care about u pls tell me. And he said he didn’t want to talk about it. Mel I really love him and I will give him the space he needs but it’s tough for me as I don’t know how to deal with this situation. We had a major argument one night n he said does everything have to be about sex, so I know his not using me, and I also know he cares about me alot n he says he constantly worries about me. Pls give me some advice.
Hi Ashleigh, Thanks for reaching out. I’m so glad the blog is helpful to you!
I hear you. I can see why that would be frustrating and worrisome. I don’t know what’s worrying him, and it’s hard to tell because he’s not talking about it. But clearly there is something on this mind (because of the mixed messages and suddenly pulling away), which makes me wonder whether he still might have some unresolved feelings/issues around his ex-wife.
The thing is, he has to resolve those feelings and issues before he is really ready to move on to a new relationship, otherwise it will interfere with his relationship with you. And he alone is responsible for his own readiness and for resolving what’s going on inside for him. The big question for you is, do you want to wait for him to be ready? It’s something to think about.
I hope this helps provide some guidance.
Wishing you the best,
Melissa
Hi, My name is Jasmine. I really found this article very helpful and insightful. I’m recently involved with a divorced man who’s been divorced about 5 month’s now. Thing is I can’t really tell rather he’s emotionally there and ready or if I’m wasting my time. I really like him and I do want to take it slow. What do I do about mixed signals??
Hi Jasmine, Thanks so much for reaching out! I’m so glad you’re finding value in the resources on this site! 🙂 I have a couple of articles that I think you might find useful:
Is he ready for a relationship after divorce?and
Am I wasting my time in this relationship?and
Is He Interested or Just Being Nice? What Mixed Messages Really Mean
I hope these helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Dear Melissa, this was a very informative and great article. Thank you! I have been a dating a recently divorced man. He is everything I could dream of – attentive, kind, loving- the works! When we talk about our future, he usually sums up with “I want to build a life with you”, nothing more. He’s in his mid-forties and I am early-forties. He does not have any kids and I have a 3 year old. He does not think that he wants any kids of his own and I am sort of ok with that but at one point he had mentioned that having kids with someone else would probably hurt his ex. I do believe he’s geniune in wanting a future together but probably doesn’t have a vision about how things will work out and therefore why the conversation doesn’t get deeper. He has introduced me to his friends and is ready for me to meet his family. However, our challenge is this: I am very open about the status of my divorce settlement, I have disclosed all the details and keep him posted with any updates and activities. He, on the other hand, keeps his affairs with his ex very confidential. Since I don’t know what’s going on I suppose I have to expect their line of communication to stay open – and it has. It bothers me that he doesn’t provide a status and clear path of what’s remaining to be settled and what the expected degree of communication.
I am now torn on whether I should take a step back from all of it until he’s done with his affairs so I don’t need to be affected by the unknown. I suppose on the other hand, the solution is as simple as asking!
Thank you taking the time!
Best wishes and keep up the great advice to us confounded-in-love
Hi Sonia, You’re so welcome! I’m glad you found the article valuable. And so great that you found someone who is “attentive, loving, and kind” and “everything [you] could dream of;” it’s so wonderful to have that kind of connection. I feel you, though. It’s great that you are very upfront about where you are in your divorce. But if he “wants to build a life with you,” then it’s fair if he’s upfront and transparent about the status of his divorce/settlements.
I’m not entirely clear on what you mean by “expect their line of communication to stay open.” Do you mean he’s still communicating with his ex and is kinda secretive about it? If that is the case, I would ask him about what else needs to be settled. It’s not unheard of that ex-spouses still communicate from time to time, especially if they were married for some time. They had mutual friends, they had in-laws. And sometimes those friendships and relationships still remain after divorce. Which is great if everyone is friendly with each other.
But if you think he might still be “emotionally married” and is kind of behaving like he’s still her husband in some ways…then yes, I would step back until he’s really ready to move on. There’s no reason for him to be secretive unless he’s feeling some element of guilt or the need to hide something.
You mentioned that “he had mentioned that having kids with someone else would probably hurt his ex.” I understand his concern. But if they are not together, then it is entirely appropriate for him to have kids with someone else if he wants to. Sure, she might feel bad. But he’s not responsible for her feelings. But if he is still feeling emotionally attached, then he needs to work on that part of himself before he is really ready to be emotionally available to someone else.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
Best,
Melissa
Thank you for sharing some advice. I’ve found myself in a relationship with a man going through divorce and am dealing with some tough emotions. I initiated the relationship right after he filed for divorce and ignored his warnings that he was still trying to sort through his feelings and get used to life on his own. I figured he was just uncomfortable that things were moving too fast and we just needed to slow down a little bit, which we did.
Well, a few months later, I thought we were on the right path. He makes time for me and we have a wonderful time together. When he doesn’t have his child it feels like a normal healthy relationship. We’ve even taken vacations together but he has yet to introduce me to his child or anyone else in his family. And he doesn’t know when he will be ready to. This is starting to take a toll on me as our relationship always has to work around his custody arrangement. I can’t count on him being present when I want him.
My divorced friends say to be patient and that he will get to a point where he can introduce the child in time. On the one hand I agree, but it is easier said than done. How long is reasonable to wait? Or is this a bad sign that he isn’t serious about me?
Hi Morgan, thanks so much for reaching out. I hear you. I know that is frustrating. especially if his children are very young, he is obligated to meet their needs. And meeting his children’s needs will take priority over your relationship’s needs. And some of the toil, too, is him learning how to be a single dad after the divorce.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that your needs go unmet. It just might mean that they are met in a different way. I encourage you to get clear on what your needs and requirements are in the kind of relationship that you really want. and then see if they can be met in this relationship. Because, for example, if you really need and value spontaneity or frequent date nights, that need will be hard to meet if you’re in a relationship with a single dad of young children. I have an article about tips for dating a single dad that you might find helpful and another article on what to expect when dating a divorced dad.
Talk to him about what’s in the way of him meeting his child. He might not feel ready yet. There could be all sorts of things that are in the way of him feeling ready for you to meet his child….anything from resistance from his former spouse, resistance from his child, guilt he may be feeling, uncertainty about the long term viability of your relationship….could be a whole host of things. So it would be good for the two of you to talk about it and try to get to the bottom of what the issue is.
how long should you wait to meet his kid? Well, especially if the kids are young and are under their parent’s control, I would recommend waiting until you’re both certain about the trajectory of your relationship and it’s long-term viability before meeting an trying to form a relationship with the child. And that will benefit you as well! Kids need a sense of security and stability. And it depends on how long ago they divorced, too. If the divorce us new, the kid might be still reeling from his/her parents’ divorce, and then introducing someone new into the family would be really upsetting to him or her. They need some time to transition and heal from the loss of his/her family unit as her/she knew it. So, for example, if they were married for 10 years and they have an 8 year old, it’s not realistic for him and his child to feel ready to introduce someone new into their family unit after….say…only a month. It’s best to take things very slow.
but how long you WANT to wait is completely up to you. There is no “reasonable” time. You needs matter. And if your needs are not being met, you will feel unhappy. So that’s why it’s important to get clear on your needs and requirements and whether this is the relationship for you (whether your needs and requirements will be met in this relationship).
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi,
I recently was set up with a newly divorced man through mutal friends. When we went on our first date he wasn’t yet legally divorced. They were married 6 years have a 4 year old and he told me the last 1 1/2 to 2 years were just cohabitation (no sex). She cheated on him and is still with the guy. He has never acknowledged that she cheated but found out through looking at an email account. The are legally divorced about 1 month.
He pursued me big time. I had a wall up at first but because he was so persistent, I let it down and let him in. He texted me all day and night. When we were together he would touch my face and tell me things like “I can’t believe it. “When I asked what he meant he would say, “nothing, just all good things. “Our chemistry was amazing. He would send me pics of him and his daughter all the time. He went away with his daughter and then I went away with my son right after. The night before I went away he was over and told me how much he missed me and we were intimate but no sex. While I was away, I could feel him pull back(less texting) I called him in it and he said he wasn’t putting distance between us. I got back and when we saw each other he told me he missed me and we slept together. Again, I could feel the pull back right after. A few data later we saw each other and slept together again. He was very loving during our encounter. 2 days after that I could feel the pull back and asked him. We talked on the phone and he said he feels like I get mad at him ( this was his biggest thing with the ex wife. I heard she was always mad at him). I explained that I wasn’t mad, just confused his hot and cold. I told him I wanted to see where we could go. He told me this was going too fast and he thought he was ready but he’s not. I sent him a text saying how I too have insecurities and I felt a connection him and if he did to text me. He hasn’t so far. It’s been 2 days. Help! Is he ever going f to contact me again? I start to have feelings for this man and feel awful. Especially since he’s ignoring the text. He’s never done that to me. Thank you for any insight!
Hi Gina, Thanks so much for reaching out. I hear your concern. It sounds like he’s giving mixed messages and it’s likely because he got involved too quickly — BEFORE he knew how ready he was for a relationship. He missed the benefits of a relationship, but is unsure if he is ready to commit to one. I feel you. This is the painful part of getting involved and falling for someone before we really know how ready and available they are to have the relationship that we really want. Don’t chase him. You’re the catch. And if he’s not ready, he’ll come around if it meant to be. But I wouldn’t waste time waiting because you don’t know how long you will have to wait.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I met a separated man 9 months ago. His divorce will not be finalized until August 2017 just to clarify.
This man is actually 9 yrs older than myself and was an old friend of my brothers. He’s 42 yrs old, was married at a young age of 21. He raised one child that his partner had at a young age but the two of them also had a child together in their early 20’s.
So they had a long marriage but with the little info that I do have, it apparently did not end well. I know they tried numerous counselling sessions but I think at the end of the marriage when they had “time out” lets say or they thought it was over…he involved other woman. Long story short according to him the marriage and the divorce has been a devastating blow to him.
He said his self worth was at its lowest, he thought he was unattractive, he felt he was no good to anyone, his two girls currently have no relationship with him, they have accumulated debt, a home that wont sell and so it goes.
9 months ago this man contacted me through Facebook. Asked me out to go hiking/date but at the time i declined. Shortly after I accepted and met up with him. We were friends for a couple of months and than January past we decided to become monogamous. He was the sweetest man alive in my eyes. Soft hearted, felt low and high emotions, thoughtful, caring, connected on every level, wrote me love letters, made himself available, was present emotionally at all times and so it goes. I wasn’t sure If I had chemistry(physical attraction) at first but I wanted so much more in a relationship besides fatal attraction and he “seemed” to offer that to me and I was damn sure our values aligned…and I still do. He became more attractive to me as time went on and I was hopeful and happy.
Call me crazy, but we recently, as of June, moved across the Country together and started a new life. He needed 6 digit employment to pay off debt and pay for a current mortgage and I wanted change. I left my career of 10yrs, sold my home, my car, all my hard worked for belongings, sentimentals, my mother and my friends. I did it for us and because I TRUSTED him big time. I had no reason not to. I don’t think??
He found a great paying job and so did I. We were getting along as usual and then one night I expressed that I was feeling a little insecure about meeting new people and that I was scared I would lose him as a partner…I thought I hit the jackpot. That did not go over well. He immediately got upset, raising his voice, folding his arms in a alpha male response, yelled at me, told me there seemed to be no future, that I was insecure and needed help, told me he was leaving for the day and wouldn’t be back anytime soon. He told me he wanted to enjoy life at this moment it didn’t include me. I was in shock. in total shock. His behaviour actually scared me and someone immediately burst my bubble. I told him I would do him a favour and fly back home. So that is what I did. I flew right back to the other side of the Country and that is where I currently am.
When I was packing my bags to leave he did not in any way try to talk to me or stop me. He actually encouraged me to pack faster. I had a ride lined up but they could not arrive for another 2 hrs so because I felt he wanted me out I waited in the condo hallway for hours and as I left he locked the door behind me and said “good writtens”
I cried the whole way home on that flight. I have been numb now for 2 weeks since this has happened. Ive tried talking to him and we have, but he refuses to ever see me again, he says he’s sorry for what he did but I did not need to leave and that it could have been worked out. I have not stopped crying for weeks and I can not eat.
I have been back home living with my mother in the meantime while trying to pick up the pieces. I gave my life away for him/for us and he has shunned me.
He has said things like he hates his face, he cant give me what I need, he was trying to lose weight when I arrived, he kept saying that I didnt feel passionate about him and that he wanted and needed to feel desired. He needed to be touched more often etc etc…and mire words of affirmation etc
Im so confused because I did everything in my power to make sure he did not feel any financial burden while with me as I am financially ok, I cuddled, I supported and encouraged, I showed empathy regarding his older daughters (in their 20’s)
Anyways, I have never felt so taken advantage of in my whole life. I wlll be moving again in 3 weeks to try and start over in a new city.
Thanks for your time!
Hi Chantel, Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I am so sorry that happened to you. I can understand why you would be shocked and heartbroken. anyone would be having gone through what you went through.
I wish I had an answer for you. I don’t know why he blew up like that. It could have been for any number of reasons.
All I know is that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
To aid your healing, I encourage you to surround yourself with supportive friends and family and practice deep self-care. Reconnect with the people and activities that bring you joy. Because joy and happiness are your true nature.
Wishing you lots of love,
Melissa
Hey, Melissa!
Thank you for the article. It’s been a good read.
I’m 21 years old and I’m dating a 27-years-old recently divorced man. I didn’t know he was divorced after we first met. I figured that out myself 3 months into our relationship. When I confronted him, he said that he had been trying to find the right way to talk about it and he was too afraid of losing me if I had known about his past.
And his “past” is actually a few months before we first met. What’s more is that, his ex-wife is pregnant with his second child.
I understand that we cannot date on weekend because that’s when he spent time with his daughter. But this news. I just can’t handle it. I feel like on one side, I am way too invested in him because he’s responsible, mature, and caring towards me. He would call me when I was feeling down and gives me surprises. On another side, I feel like I am not emotionally ready to face the truth.
I’m scared of my friends thinking that I’m “taking away” someone else’s husband. And I feel like I still need to be showered with attentions, I am jealous of people my age that can date freely. But I do love him, I love that he takes care of his kids. I love that he pays attention to me. But I feel like i’m digging my own grave in the long run. What should I do? I honestly just want to end it all right now and ghost him.
Hi Nick, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad the article was helpful to you. I hear you. I can understand why you feel the way that you do.
It sounds like you both have a really great connection and you’re deeply attracted to each other. But there is a difference between having a great connection and realy being ready for a relationship.
This article on Is he ready for a relationship after divorce may provide insight into what I mean. I don’t know how recently divorced he is, but he certainly still has strings attached to his previous relationship because his ex is pregnant with his child.
Think about….given his relationship readiness, can he meet your needs and is he right for you right now? Is he ready and available for the kind of relationship that you want with him?
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I am currently going through a divorce and dating a man going through a divorce. We have known each other for about 10 years (co-worker and friend) We started seeing each other last summer, right before we both filed for divorce, but the process has been SLOW. I have been living separately from my Ex for about 6 months ( prior to that we were nesting with the kids) but now we seem to have a pretty seamless schedule with the kids so that has provided me with some consistency. My boyfriend and his Ex, however are still nesting with the kids (he is at the shared home sometimes and at his moms other times) and they have yet to come up with a workable custody schedule. His Ex takes off any chance she gets which puts him in the primary parent role pretty often- basically all weekend every weekend. His Ex is also pretty emotionally abusive to his oldest son, which I think makes him feel extremely responsible to be there to navigate those feelings with his son. He is also a psychiatrist, so hes very busy with work.
We try to make time for each other a few times a week, even if its just getting coffee for an hour, or occasional date night on the weekend, and we have phone contact throughout the day most days – but I want more time. He knows this and he says he wants more time also, he talks about our future together frequently. He has met my parents and sister, and I have met his mother, both our Ex’s know that we are seeing each other. I don’t doubt for a second that he is in love with me, and I love him too. I respect him so much and I want to be supportive and patient and understanding. I don’t want to put pressure on him to force a more workable custody schedule, but until that happens ( or I meet his kids) I know we will not have very much time together. I just don’t know if I am asking for too much right now? If I should wait it out and allow his divorce to unfold as it needs to? and if I should just focus on my own situation and accept that he gives me what he can for now and that this wont be forever? I guess its just lonely waiting for someone you love so dearly.
Looking for some clarity and guidance….
Hi Lisa, I feel you. I’m so sorry you’re having this experience (and that your bf is having this experience with his ex!). I know this is hard and frustrating for the both of you. And I know it’s hard on your relationship.
it sounds like you both have a lot of love and respect for each other, which is wonderful! And youa re absolutely on the right track. The best way to be supportive and patient and understanding is not NOT put pressure on him to force a more workable custody schedule. Because pressure of control will make him feel he has to defend himself. In other words, men don’t respond well to control or pressure.
You’ll get what you want faster by continuing to express your needs in a loving way so he can hear them and realy get you, and by giving him space to step up and meet that need. The both of you are the middle of a battle (divorce) and so SPACE is the best thing for your relationship. And don’t fixate on him and his situation or how his situation impacts your being able to see each other because it will make your anxious and crazy — and that’s not good for your relationship either. So, yes, focus on your own situation, have faith that it won’t be forever, and address the lonliness by doing things that really fill your soul….maybe that’s dance class or meditation…or spending time with girlfriends. Make a list of things that fill your soul.
Often our loneliness comes from feeling empty…and then we look to a relationship to fill that emptiness. But then that means someone ELSE is always in control of filling that void. But we shouldn’t look to relationships to complete us, but rather we can SHARE in the fullness of our own life WITH someone. You always have the power to fill your own heart and soul too. 🙂
Blessings and hugs,
Melissa
Hi Melissa
I’m so glad I found this page. I have just broken up with my recently divorced boyfriend. We are both in our 40s and both have kids. I’ve been divorced for 13 years (5 year marriage that I ended) and his was just finalized earlier this year (20 year marriage ended somewhat mutually he says but I’m pretty sure she was cheating on him with the man who was his friend and is now basically moved into his old house with his ex wife).
My now ex bf says he and his ex wife agreed to separate in August however they still lived together until December. He moved out and we were introduced in January. We hit it off immediately of course. In a nutshell he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Same sense of humor, similar interests, lots of chemistry and physical attraction. He asked me to be his girlfriend within a matter of weeks. Told me he has never felt so connected with someone before. Everything I was feeling.
We talked every day, he would stop by for a kiss in the driveway on the way to pick up his kids, and basically did everything he could to make me feel wonderful and special. Then…something seemed to shift. In the last couple months I began to feel like he didn’t want to spend as much time with me and wasn’t reaching out as often as he had been. When we were together things still seemed great but when we weren’t together I felt like I didn’t exist to him anymore. It was really hard to deal with. We had a few conversations about this and i think he started to feel pressure. He felt extremely controlled by his ex wife. I should also mention that he’s in a very toxic work environment and it is super stressful and he feels completely stuck. He also has his kids 50% of the time. Time is precious to him—however he used to tell me that I was the best part of this life, like stress relief for him. Then that changed. He recently interviewed for a different job and didn’t get it and felt very rejected.
We broke up in the last few days. Basically he said he still wants to be with me but isn’t mentally in a place to progress the relationship the way it should and the way I want it to. I basically just want things to be the way they were when he was more attentive and made me feel special. I feel like a relationship failure. I’m sad and frustrated and I’ve lost my best friend of the last 10 months. I feel like he’s thinking there’s something better out there and it hurts. I keep hoping he will figure it out and come back to me.
Please help me find clarity in this situation.
Dear Lisa, I’m so glad this website has been a resource for you. I am so sorry you are having this experience. I feel you. Breakups are painful. I get why you would be feeling hurt and confused.
There’s a lot going on in his life right now. He is in this place of HUGE transition in both his personal life and in his career. And the stress from that impacts your relationship because these huge transitions and stressors — the emotional, legal and logistical fall out of his divorce and the stress from his job — are occupying lots of his mental and emotional energy, which means he is less emotionally and mentally available (ready) right now to nurture your relationship.
And, without knowing more about how your breakup happened, my hunch is that he realized his own readiness….and because his feelings for you ARE true and he does care about you and your relationship, rather than string you along and not give your relationship the attention it deserves or keep you as an emotional crutch while he’s going through all this, he felt it better to end the relationship.
His feelings for you are true. He’s just overwhelmed and not ready. and it’s to your benefit and to the benefit of your friendship and relationship that he steps back and takes the time he needs to resolve any crisis that he’s dealing with or at least bring them to a level where he feels like it won’t interfere with growing a new relationship. I know it’s painful to be apart. The best thing you can do for your healing and sense of loss is to do something that feels good for your soul and allow him to take care of what’s interfering with the relationship.
I know it is easy to be tempted to persuade him to get back together or to chase after him. But doing that can backfire because then he would feel coerced into a relationship if he doesn’t feel ready. If he is are right man for you, he will come back.
Wishing you love and healing,
Melissa
Melissa this is one of the best blogs I have read and it’s given me a lot of insight and comfort. I am a single Mom of 2 children ages 9&7. I have been divorced going on 4 years. My husband had a year long affair. I was feeling pretty damaged after and I waited about 3 years to jump back into the dating pool. I had dated a few guys short term but nothing too serious where I ever felt comfortable introducing them to my children. I always took that as a sign that they weren’t going to cut it in the long term. My last attempt at online dating just before I was going to erase it all I started talking to this guy on Bumble. He was my age and had two children 12&5. We hit it off immediately and this felt different than any others. We went from the app to texting to talking for hours on end every night. Our first date was amazing with fireworks going off all over the place! I fell instantly. He told me he was separated and that his divorce would soon be wrapping up. He didn’t seemed stressed or worried about it at all. His wife left him by literally moving out of the family home in April and we met in August. It was fresh but he assured me they were done and he realized he had not been happy for some time. Friends and family warned me but I felt like they just didn’t know us and how we were going to beat the odds. He met my children after a little over 2 months. They loved him bc he was very calm and attentive to him which was the polar opposite of their Dad whom they don’t see very often. Soon after I met his children. The weird thing was after looking at his Facebook page I thought one of his children the 12 year old boy was definitely blind. He didn’t tell me till on I was 15 minutes away to his house to spend the weekend with them that both of the children were indeed blind. Again this was a little strange but he said it wasn’t a thing with him and after I met them I fell in love with them too. The way he was with them made me fall even harder and he said the same about me after he saw me interact with them. He invited me to Thanksgiving at his parents home out of town for 5 days as my kids were spending it with their father. I told him the only way I would go is if he told his soon to be ex wife that I was going so she heard it from him and not the children. I didn’t want the children to be the ones to tell her and she freak out them. Well she freaked out all right! She was texting him nasty texts the whole time and you could tell he flipped a switch. Was a little distant the rest of the trip. I loved his family and had an amazing time with them. Fit right in the mix. After that she filed a temporary needs order for more custody. He then stopped letting me see the children. He told me it wasnt because of the ex or the order it was because he just wanted alone time with them and that they loved me. He continued to see me and my children. He invited me to his company Christmas Party and his coworkers were awesome and said they had heard all about me. He spent Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day with us but was very somber. He expressed he felt depressed and he failed his family but equates it to being his first Christmas without his family. I felt for him. Our nightly conversations became all about the pending custody hearing. I was pretty much becoming his punching bag and therapist. It was fun friendly conversation anymore. I wanted to help him though becyi has been through it. Long story short. He won the temporary needs hearing and the judge recommended he still get 50/50 custody. He called me right away to tell me. Then he had to wait 3 weeks for mediation. He spent the night one weekend and before he left he said he needed to focus on preparing for mediation and work would be busy so he wouldn’t see me or the kids for awhile. He told the kids goodbye and he would see them in a few weeks that he had stuff to take care of. I told him if this was too much to please be honest and I could give him space. He was like just hang in there till the end of February and don’t worry everything will be fine no matter how the mediation goes. He was really distant those couple weeks but would still check in. After mediation I got a short text. “It went well. Got 50/50 and everything I wanted.” That was on a Thursday. Nothing until Sunday I got a call and got so excited bc I thought he would say I’m ready to start things up again. He basically said from what I gather because his thoughts were all over the place that all he can handle is himself and the children right now. He told me is moving house and doing a lateral move with his job. He said I mean I’m sure we will text and chat bc I love talking to you. He said after I move I. A few months I would love for you to see the house .I couldn’t breathe. I kept thinking my kids are going to be devastated! I said well just as you need to focus on your kids now I need to tell mine what’s going on which is not going to be easy. He said I don’t even know how to even process the guilt I feel about your children. He said the last few times he hung out with them he felt guilt doing stuff with them instead of working on himself for his own children. Talk about knife through the heart. Then he ended with I know you want a new iPhone so if I see any deals I will text you right away. I didn’t say much at all but that I was happy he got everything he wanted and then we said goodnight and hung up. I haven’t heard from him in a week. I wanted to send him a message to get out everything I didn’t say on the phone when I was speechless but I didn’t. This is what I wrote in my notes but didn’t send it
“Hey,
I feel like I was speechless last night. I told Avery and Coop about us today and that was very upsetting, so I feel like I need to say something to you. While I definitely put most of the blame on myself because there were red flags flying everywhere, I did lower my guard and believed everything you told me. – ‘don’t run off’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘I’m not going anywhere’, ‘definitely want to continue where this is going, so you are stuck with me’, and ‘hang in there’. Those are just to name a few of the things you said. I trusted you completely and let you have access to the most precious things in my life, Avery and Cooper! Then I try to be respectful and give you space and time alone as you asked just to be thrown away like a piece of trash once the divorce is over? You are just not the person I thought you were. I don’t even know if any of your feelings were ever even real. Just so you know, mine were real and the way I was with your kids and your family was real. I completely agree 100% that your kids should come first. Especially so after a divorce, I know that first hand! I just don’t think you were honest with me and that hurts.”
Time is healing all wounds but I am just so confused as to what happened and what he said at the end. Wonder what’s going on?
Hi Holly, Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so glad the website has been a resource for you.
I’m so sorry you had this experience. I know this is heartbreaking for you and your family. And I know it’s confusing to go from talking for hours and being introduced to his family and after all that he said about begging you to stay, to not hearing from him for days.
The short answer is: He pulled away because his life is undergoing such a huge transition right now — divorce, custody, the aftermath, financial and emotional stress that comes from the divorce and learning how to be a single dad to two special needs/differently-abled children, and learning how to co-parent with a difficult ex — it’s a lot to deal with (as you might have experienced having gone through a divorce yourself). And all of those stressors detract from him being able to be physically and emotionally available to meet your needs and to grow the kind of relationship that you and he both really want.
His feelings and attraction to you are real. But is he ready to get deeply involved with someone else? Is he fully conscious of what was transpiring in his love life and in his family life and personal life and professional life? Is he fully conscious of what he wants and needs in the short-term and long-term?
It’s not likely he meant to lead you on. What likely happened is that he wasn’t fully conscious and intentional of what he was doing and why he was doing it. He was doing what felt good and right at the time, but not thinking far enough ahead to really consider “is this the woman for me?” He probably overlooked red flags, (just as you had overlooked red flags). It’s very easy to do…especially when we’re flying high, in love, feeling really good and already emotionally invested and deeply invested in other ways (having met each other’s kids).
So the high chemistry and deep emotional investment makes it super difficult to take things slow in the relationship and nearly impossible to stay objective.
Feeling ready for a new relationship is not the same as actually being ready for a new relationship.
Wanting you is not the same as being ready for a real relationship.
Plus, men and women view dating differently. Introducing you to his family may feel like you’re farther along the dating timeline in your relationship and closer to commitment. But to a man, these events are still “just dating.” Such events don’t mean farther down the timeline, unfortunately.
So the best thing you can do right now for yourself and your family is take care of yourself, do what feels good for nourishing your soul, give yourself time….and don’t reach out to him — don’t text, don’t call, don’t explain. you did the right thing by writing in your journal and getting it all out there….or taking to a friend or a coach to help you process. Because reaching out to him and explaining won’t necessarily get you justice or get him to turn around. In fact, it might even push him away. Focusing your energy on YOU, will be the most healing and magnetic thing you can do.
And here are some articles that might be helpful to you, too:
He’s Not Ready for a Relationship but Doesn’t Want to Lose Me
Is He Is Ready for a Relationship After Divorce?
How to Keep from Growing Apart
Is He Interested or Just Being Nice? What Mixed Messages Really Mean
7 MORE Relationship Red Flags for Dating a Divorced Man
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
With big hugs,
Melissa
Melissa you are spot on and I totally understand now. Do you think he was just being nice in our last our convo when he was like “I’m sure we will text and talk some. “ He also mentioned seeing his new house in a few months. I felt like he was trying to save face. One more thing… and bomb threat was called into his children’s school today and the news said the students had to be evacuated. I panicked and texted him around noon saying “Just saw the news! Everything ok? “
He replied back at 4:30 “Yep, all good. It didn’t even effect the kids school buildings.”
My last text was “So glad!” Then nothing back. Which I wasn’t even really expecting him to even respond maybe bc I haven’t heard from in a week. I felt like he was a little rude but again I’m probably reading into it! No more contact now for sure. I was just worried! Which he didn’t even seem to appreciate so I get it now.
Hi Holly, Ah! I’m so glad my response resonated with you! I’m glad it helped you gain some insight and understanding.
Was he just trying to be nice? he could have been…it’s really hard to say. We don’t truly know what e’s thinking and feeling or his true intentions with that. The real test is if he actually reaches out with a text or call, or actually invites you to see his new house.
And I totally hear you about being worried about the bomb threat. I know that is scary…and would be scary for any parent.
And you did the right thing by really observing your feelings about it. That exchange with him is the perfect opportunity to observe how you feel and ask yourself what need wasn’t being met for you. If you felt something about that exchange was rude, that’s a flag for you and something to get clear on for yourself so you know exactly what was it that rubbed you the wrong way and to note it if you see it in future dates with men.
I hope this helps provide some guidance! 🙂
Warmly,
Melissa
Your articles have been EXTREMELY helpful, however I am extremely apprehensive about getting involved with this guy I have not only known for over 6 years, but is currently seperated from his wife. Ultimately I am in control of what I want and don’t want in terms of seeing this guy, but I am in need of some guidance as to what sort of boundaries I should put.
Hi Sophia, Oh I’m so glad the articles have been helpful for you! I totally hear you. It is scary getting involved with someone who it’s not quite free to get involved in a romance! Yes, you’re right….you are in control of what you want and don’t want in terms of seeing him.
If you want to set yourself up for relationship success, the best thing you can do is:
1) know what you’re getting into. It’s stressful getting involved with someone who is separated and/or divorcing. Personally, I don’t recommend trying to forge a romance until AFTER the divorce. There are so many factors that could interfere with your romance/relationship that many relationships do not survive the stress. BUt with that said….some divorces are relatively “easy” and drama-free. But some are really tough….so Ex’s are high-conflict, some divorces drag on for YEARS, some divorces have bitter custody battles…there are lots of stressors. So I encourage you to download my free guide and other resources/books on knowing what to expect when you’re dating a separated or divorcing man.
2) and perhaps the other most important thing is to know what matters to you in a relationship. Know what you want. When you know what you want in a partnership, you can MUCH MORE easily identify when your needs and requirements are being met or not met in a relationship and are better able to make conscious and clear relationship decisions that matter for your long-term happiness, and it will help you avoid getting distracted by attraction and chemistry.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
Love,
Melissa
It’s been 7 months since I stopped seeing my ex who was going through a divorce. They were separated and living in different states. I have to admit that I saw the signs of him being emotionally unavailable, yet we had such an incredible and magnetic connection that we both kind of moved faster than we should have. When I tried to pull back he assured me that it wasnt what he wanted. When I had the strength to walk away he wouldnt let me. So silly of me that I felt hook line and sinker for someone that was not ready for anything substantial and who didnt value me either as demonstrated by how easy it was for him to walk away when I tried to set some boundaries and express my needs while trying to be patient with what he was going through as well and the loss of it all. I’ve never felt something so strong with anyone like I did this person. And yet, I’m in so much pain not so much because he left but because leaving was so easy. Or was I just so easy to walk away from? Not sure. I’ve seen he checks/like my photo on IG a few months back but he hasn’t tried to contact me directly either. We didn’t get to the love stage and I guess I’m grateful for that because 7 months later and the pain is still excruciating and I can only imagine how harder it would feel if I was in love with him. Yet I still beat myself up for even dating someone going through a divorce and being seperated for several years. A guy friend of mine warned me and point blank told me to break things off because he went through a divorce and can attest that men are not ready for anything serious right after a divorce and may not be until several years after a divorce. Of course I didnt listen and now I’m suffering for it. This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m struggling to forgive myself for even starting anything with this person and for not valuing myself enough to even want to be with someone who was obviously still torn about the loss of his marriage even though he didnt say so. And I’m struggling to forgive him for leaving me to deal with this all alone as if he never cared. I’m usually good about reading people and thought I knew him. But I was so wrong. I rely on my instincts in the male dominated field I work in and this experience has made me doubt myself and my instincts so much. How could I have been so wrong about him? He came along when I was at my strongest and in just a few short months of entering my life turned it inside out by making me feels things and then leaving when it became too much. With the only words being “I care about you too much not to do this right and if I cant do it right, I dont want to do it at all.” What BS. If he really felt that way he would have let me go when I suggested we take a step back. He just made a fool of me and I let him by thinking I was being patient with him and his situation while he was in my belief using me to help ease a divorce I firmly believe now he didnt want but was resigned to. I wish I would have just walked away in the beginning, wished him luck and took my friends advice and told him to contact me in a few years from now if I’m still available. I will never c