I write a lot about relationship readiness and the importance of knowing your vision, needs and relationship requirements.
And it’s really important for your relationship happiness to have a deep awareness about all those things so you know what kind of relationship that you really want.
But actually having the relationship that you really want comes down to a decision: to go for what you really want—or to settle.
To get what you really want, you must say “No” to what you don’t want.
It’s simple, but not easy.
What Does It Really Mean to Settle?
I’ve settled for less than I really wanted many times in my life.
I have to admit I still struggle with this sometimes.
My fear will get the better of me and I’ll give in to pacifying my fears even when my true self doesn’t really want to give in.
No one is perfect.
But being aware of my weaknesses AND having a plan to confront these challenges helps me get stronger every time.
But in retrospect, each time I settled for less than what I really wanted, I gave up a part of myself.
I gave up part of myself to accept that “OK” job, buy that “OK” car, enter that “OK” relationship…
Each time I settled, I gave up part of the vision for the life that I really wanted.
I gave up believing that I could have the life or relationship that I really wanted.
I resigned myself to “taking what I could get” because I didn’t really believe that I could get—or create—any better.
What Settling Taught Me About Life and Relationships
In hindsight, what could I have done differently?
Honestly, probably nothing.
I had lessons I needed to learn, a journey I needed to take that eventually led me to find a deeply fulfilling relationship.
But what did I learn from making all those choices that seemed right at the time?
Here’s a few things:
- Every choice has long-term consequences that are predictable if you’re paying attention
- If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
- I listened to my fears and doubts way too much
- My choices and results are a direct reflection of how worthy I feel and how well I’m taking care of myself
- Life doesn’t necessarily work the way you want, need or expect, it works the way it works
Can You Avoid Settling?
Is it possible to catch yourself settling before it’s too late?
Yes, you just have to be highly aware of the NEGATIVE and DISEMPOWERING stories that you might be telling yourself; such as:
- I don’t want to be alone
- I REALLY want to be a relationship
- I’m tired of looking, I might as well choose this one
- I won’t find anything/anyone better
- I’d rather have this now than risk nothing later
- I don’t deserve true happiness
- 80% is good enough
In one form or another, I used to tell myself these stories.
Examining these statements now, it’s easy to see they’re all FALSE.
Looking back, I knew I was telling myself these things, but my awareness was dim enough, and my self-esteem low enough that I allowed these fears to dictate my choices.
If you’re wondering whether you’re settling in your relationship, I encourage you to take a look at the thoughts that are coming up for you.
When you feel stuck between choices and you’re feeling fear and anxiousness, what are you telling yourself in those moments?
What fears are coming up?
Those fears often point to beliefs that are unconsciously holding you back from what you really want.
What It Takes to Have the Relationship That You Truly Want
Having the relationship that you really want comes down to a decision: to go for what you really want—or to settle.
All the times I talked myself into accepting 80% prevented me from finding and experiencing 100%.
To get what you really want, you have to:
Be aware of what you want. Check your relationship readiness, and get clear on your vision, needs and relationship requirements. These set the foundation for relationship success. What is your “100%”?
Believe in the possibility that you can have what you want. Beliefs influence our thoughts and our thoughts influence our actions. Check the stories that you might be telling yourself.
If you don’t believe that you deserve it or you don’t believe that you can have it, chances are you’ll never take the action necessary to attain it.
Go for what you really want. Go for your 100%. Not 90%, not 80%—go for your 100%.
How would your life be different if you had the relationship that you truly wanted?
How would your energy, health, level of happiness and outlook on life be?
The way we show up in our most intimate relationships often has repercussions in the way that we show up and live in other important areas of our life.
If we settle in one area, we tend to settle in other areas of our life.
And as a result, we don’t live our full potential.
And it’s tiring, draining and a poison to our health and self-esteem when we continually deny our own growth and self-expression.
It hurts when our soul doesn’t want to settle for less but our fears tell us we can’t get any better.
The truth is, when you settle for less, you get less.
Who or what are you truly living for if you’re not living to create a life that’s deeply fulfilling and meaningful to you?
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
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Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to apply for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
thanks. …I ‘ve had a very low self esteem to an extent of accepting as low as 60% …what just read has changed my look on things. ..
Thank you so much for your comment, Peryn. I’m so glad it was helpful to you!
All the best,
Melissa
Melissa, with all due respect, but you leave you the important question of having children.
Despite all medical advances, women cannot allow themselves look for a relationship forever – yes, a lot of people have children at late 30ies/early 40ies, but others have found themselves missing the boat (and sometimes at an earlier age when they encounter fertility issues and don’t have endless times to be fixing them).
I am 34 and recently single because I didn’t want to settle for a bad relationship, but I think this is a very important point to be aware of when making a choice to settle/not to settle.
Premise “you can have children even if you are over 40 because someone else had so you have plenty of time” is just not true for many many women.
What would you advise in light of this? To women who want a good relationship but also want to have children?
Hi Alyona,
This is a really great question! Thanks so much for bringing it up because, you’re right, I didn’t address this in the article.
I think in this instance, you would need to carefully weigh your dreams/desires. For instance, you might want to be a mom AND have the ideal husband. Why not? That’s the ideal situation. But yes, there are time considerations for starting a family; it gets more difficult to conceive as a woman get older.
So you have to take a look at what’s most important to you in terms of living your vision, what’s most important to you in terms of your long-term happiness and fulfillment? There might come a point where having kids might take precedence over having the ideal husband, if that is a big dream of yours—to be a mom.
But I would also be sure to be very holistic in that decision-making in that, for example, if you are in an unhappy marriage…that will certainly take a toll on your overall happiness, fulfillment, and the happiness and well-being of your kids.
So I’m not an advocate of denying your needs and requirements in order to stay in an unhappy partnership so that you can have kids. That just sounds like it would be a miserable situation for everyone.
But I’m also not advocating that you become attached to finding your ideal partner if you really don’t feel like you have time to find your ideal partner and having children sooner rather than later is more important to you than finding your ideal.
So what I would say is to still find out what your requirements and needs are: what are your relationship dealbreakers and what are your relationship needs; what do you absolutely require in a relationship in order for it to work for you? Those are really foundational for relationship happiness and functionality. Need are too, but there’s more flexibility with needs; needs can be met in different ways. And then find out what’s “good enough” for you.
I would argue that, at minimum, all your requirements (dealbreakers) should be met because if they’re not, then the relationship will not work and chances are, you’ll end up unhappy. Most people have a handful — like 6 or so — dealbreakers, things that they would absolutely NOT tolerate in a relationship.
And then take a look at what needs are most important to you, as they are not as black and white as requirements, but there’s more flexibility there in terms of how those needs are met. And then think about what would be your “good enough”?
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
Thanks, again for your question.
Best,
Melissa
I would also say that you’re not REALLY settling in this case. You’re still honoring your vision, needs and requirements; you’re just changing what that vision means for you.
[…] But if you’re in a relationship where your need for commitment isn’t getting met, chances are you’re going to feel less than happy and feel like you’re settling in the relationship. […]
I can relate to this article, because I was guilty of settling for less than I deserve. I admit that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my days being a single woman. But, I realize that it’s better to be a single woman than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make me happy.
Thank you for sharing your story, LaTrice! I really acknowledge you for standing in your truth and not settling for less than what you really want. You are worth it.
All the best,
Melissa