Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via Ask Melissa!) about how to tell if you’re actually together or “just friends.” In my response, I provide guidance on how to find out what he’s really thinking:
I’ve been seeing a recently divorced man (he’s been married 22 years, we met 2 months after his official divorce) and I’m not sure what we are. Friends, dating, nothing? I’ve been divorced for 2 years. We’ve been seeing each other for 6 months.
He typically initiates dates, returns texts and calls, even when at work. We took a day trip to the beach, he came to my 40th birthday party as my date. He met some of my family and friends (I’ve met none of his). He checks in SEVERAL times a day, mostly text and occasionally phone (I always end the conversation first via phone). I’ve been to his house once. He’s been to mine twice. Recently I let him briefly meet my 7-year-old daughter. He agreed to come to my church w/ me.
Still, he’s never made a move, not even a kiss, and clearly no sex. I’m okay with that, I just don’t know what it means. I think he is pretty religious/spiritual. I am too, but much more of a “work in progress”.
I don’t need him to start getting all handsy with me if he’s abiding some moral doctrine, but because he WON’T say ANYTHING about our status, I just don’t know if we’re just friends.
His personality is such I don’t think he would initiate this conversation, but I don’t feel I should. Isn’t it true that men “mark their territory”? Wouldn’t he want to make sure I knew what was going on if he was “into me”? I’m sooooo confused. And how embarrassing would it be if I initiated the conversation and he’s like, “oh we’re friends”?
I’m too old for this. Sigh. The only thing I’m not getting from him is a title and I guess that bothers me more than a 40 year old should admit.
What do you see looking in from the outside?
Dear Poor Perespone,
I feel your confusion! I know that must be really frustrating to see a guy for six months and yet still not know where your relationship stands.
I’m hearing several things from your question:
- You’re feeling confused about the status of your relationship.
- You sense that he’s rather religious and might be abiding by some moral doctrine.
- You sense that he’s not likely to initiate a discussion about the status of your relationship.
- You don’t feel you should initiate the discussion because you feel it might be embarrassing if it turns out that you’re “just friends.”
- And you’re wondering why he wouldn’t want to know the status of the relationship.
You Suspicions Could Be Right
You could be right on all these things you mention.
He might indeed be religious and abiding by moral doctrine.
He might indeed feel uncomfortable with initiating a conversation about the status of the relationship.
And to your question about why wouldn’t he want to know the status of your relationship…my first thought was: How do you know that he doesn’t know?
Maybe all this time he thinks you’re just friends, or maybe he thinks you’re his girlfriend.
Or maybe he is feeling as confused as you are.
One thing is clear, though: Whatever he thinks or feels about the status of your relationship, he is choosing not to articulate it.
And there could be many reasons for this.
Maybe he’s scared to tell you.
Maybe he thinks you already know or have figured out what the status of your relationship is and so he may feel that he doesn’t need to tell you.
Maybe he’s just as confused as you are and doesn’t know how to talk to you about it.
The Ball is ALWAYS in your Court
Here’s the thing: we don’t know what people want or what people think unless we really observe their behavior and/or ask them.
But, sometimes we can’t always discern what someone means just by observing their actions, so we have to ask.
And if you’ve been seeing each other for six months, have met friends and family, and are in communication with each other as much as you are, I think it’s totally fair to have that conversation asking him about his intentions (as well as sharing your intentions).
Ideally, that conversation would have happened a while ago because it sounds like you feel strongly about knowing whether your relationship is a friendship or something more. (For future reference, the earlier you can have this conversation, the better!)
The Importance of Being Intentional in Our Relationships
The question that really matters is: What kind of relationship do you REALLY want?
We can speculate all day about what his intentions are. But the only thing that you’re going to be able to know for sure, is what YOUR own intentions are.
So I would encourage you to think about: are you dating right now to find/be in a committed relationship or are you dating right now just for fun and recreation?
Neither kinds of dating is better than the other.
It’s all about CHOICE and INTENTION.
When you’re super clear on what your own intentions are, whatever is happening on the outside is MUCH easier to deal with because then you can make decisions based on your intentions; you can more clearly see the next step (and you’re less likely to spend time feeling stuck).
For example, if you’re looking for the man you want to grow old with…How long are you willing to be in this state of limbo and confusion?
Also, if a committed long-term relationship is what you desire, I encourage you to take a look at my article, What is Commitment in Dating and Relationships as it says a bit about what it means if you and your man have differing opinions about the status of your relationship.
Question Your Own Motives
However, I’m also sensing that there must be a reason that you’ve stayed connected with him for this long, six months, despite not knowing where the relationship is going.
So I would also encourage you think about: What is keeping you in this relationship? What is driving you to stay in contact with him even though the ambiguity of your relationship frustrates you?
Do you get the sense that there is a romantic element to this relationship? Or is it purely platonic?
If he isn’t taking the initiative to make it clear what the status of your relationship is, think about what other choices you have.
- You can ask him directly
- You could wait for him to talk about it (though how long would you be willing to wait?)
- You could let go of the need to know and stay in the relationship (what do you gain and what does this cost you?)
- You could let go of the need to know and leave the relationship (what do you gain and what does this cost you?)
- What other choices might you consider?
Something you could say to spark conversation about the status of your relationship could be: “I really like spending time with you. But I’ve been feeling confused. We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I’m still unsure what this relationship means. It would really mean a lot to me to know what this relationship means to you because…(you can mention why it’s important to you) What’s your vision for your life? What kind of relationship do you want right now? Are you looking to remarry?”
Feel free to put it into your own words and say what’s true for you.
Don’t Be Hard on Yourself
And to answer your question about “how embarrassing would it be if [you] initiated the conversation and it turns out you are just friends”…
Sure, it might be uncomfortable to find out you’re wrong about your suspicious, but I encourage to not be hard on yourself.
Clearly it bothers you that you can’t discern the status of the relationship.
But you’re not a mind reader.
And no one should expect you to be.
It’s ok to be confused.
And it’s ok to say you’re confused.
Not everyone interprets verbal and visual cues the same way.
You might interpret day trips to the beach, texting and calling every day and meeting friends and family as dating, but he might interpret that behavior as friendship and purely platonic.
Be Willing to Take Risks to Have the Relationship You Truly Want
I know this is difficult to navigate. But I want to offer this perspective that you could try on:
While talking to him about this might be uncomfortable, it would also give you the info that you want (potentially. There’s always a chance that he might not be forthcoming even if you ask him directly).
And if you do get answers, what is that knowledge worth to you?
How is not having that knowledge keeping you stuck?
What is it costing you to not know the status of this relationship?
Having “the talk” is uncomfortable, but is it more uncomfortable than being in a state of confusion for months on end?
Are you willing to risk being uncomfortable to find out the status of the relationship?
Standing in our truth can be scary.
When we declare and take a stand for what we really want, when we make our needs and our dreams known, there’s always risk that it’s not going to be well received.
But is that a reason to not voice our dreams and not go for what we really want?
Are you willing to take risks to have the relationship that you truly want?
How to Bring Him Closer and Turn Your Relationship Around
Craving reassurance from him? Or obsessing over your relationship?
Two things may be happening.
You may have an anxious attachment style.
And/or you may be in an anxious-avoidant relationship.
Are any of these issues below coming up for you right now?
- Getting mixed messages or confusing signals about his feelings and/or his commitment toward you (and you’re left feeling rejected)
- Unsure where you stand in the relationship, and it leaves you feeling insecure
- Craving reassurance from him about the relationship, at the same time worrying about whether you’re being “too needy,” clingy, or sensitive
- Your relationship feels like an emotional roller coaster…. he’s super romantic and connected at times, but it feels short-lived
- You feel like this dynamic seems to happen over and over again in your relationships with men
If any of these issues are coming up for you, you may be in what’s called a “pursuer-distancer dance” or an “anxious-avoidant relationship.”
It’s basically the situation where you’re trying to get closer to him (make progress in your relationship), but (on some level), he seems to be resisting that closeness/commitment, or the relationship feels stalled.
And so, it leaves you feeling insecure and unsure where you stand with him.
Or…if you’re with a guy who’s really there for you, but you still find yourself obsessing and worrying, you may have an anxious attachment style and your insecurities are unconsciously pushing him away.
I’m hearing from some clients and readers that they need more support in this area.
So I’m hosting a free webinar on October 21 where I’ll show you how to identify and finally free yourself from anxious attachment or heal an “anxious-avoidant relationship” so you can have the fulfilling committed relationship you really want.
JOIN MY FREE WEBINAR
The 3 Keys to Healing Anxious Attachment
How to Finally End the Worry, Confusion, and Insecurity and Have a Healthy, Loving, Committed Relationship That Lasts
Thursday, October 21, 3PM PT / 6PM ET
- The two reasons why he pulls away, acts distant, or sends mixed messages, and how to get clarity and find out his true intentions
- Four steps to knowing when to give him a chance or call it quits—so you can avoid wasting your precious time in a potentially dead-end relationship
- Why smart, strong women like you, who’ve been doing the “inner work” for a while, can still get trapped in the pursuer-distancer cycle and how to stop the emotional rollercoaster for good
- The 3 biggest misconceptions about love and attachment keeping you stuck in this painful cycle, and what to focus on instead
- The simplest way to bring your avoidant man closer and turn your relationship around and how to attract a man who is ready for commitment and eager to meet your needs
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How to Decide if He’s Right for You
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴