In a new trend, singles are becoming increasingly disillusioned with internet dating and seeking alternatives.
With millions of singles using the internet and the promises and success stories of online matchmaking websites, I’ve heard the same thing over and over from singles across the country who are frustrated with internet dating-
“It’s great to have a lot of choices, but it takes a lot of time and I don’t seem to meet anyone I have much chemistry with.”
This trend makes sense to me. In some ways, using a computer to find your life partner is like trying to cook a souffle in a microwave. Some things just require time, effort, and the human touch.
In this article, I explore the upsides and downsides of internet dating, offer insight into why internet dating doesn’t work for some singles, and suggest some effective alternatives to finding your life partner without a computer!
Top Five Advantages of Internet Dating
- You can reach way more singles online – Match.com has 35 million estimated visitors and Plenty of Fish (POF.com) has 23 million estimated visitors. That’s a lot of potential dating prospects. The world is at your fingertips.
- It’s Inexpensive (relatively) – sites range from free to around $30/month for premium features
- There’s enough information available for efficient sorting – compared to blind or in-person dating, where you might not have met the person before or have any other information about them, you can read someone’s profile and determine whether you’re interested in getting to know more about them.
- There’s anonymity – Because there’s such a large pool of dating prospects and many are likely not within your personal network, there’s relative anonymity.
- It’s easy to control most aspects of the process – you can search for dating prospects, you control what photos you put up and how you want your profile to read, you can reach out to people, you can block users, etc.
Top Five Downsides of Internet Dating
- There’s an overwhelming number of choices – because there are so many visitors and members on these dating sites….so many apps, so many dating sites, so much info out there, it can feel overwhelming
- The apps and dating sites encourage “shopping” mentality – a mentality which, if an individual isn’t practicing conscious dating, may encourage focusing exclusively on criteria that may be unimportant to finding a truly compatible partner
- Many dating site users are less than truthful – the flip side of internet anonymity…there are people online who are not who they present themselves to be, unfortunately
- Some users are game players, predators, and cheaters – many users don’t have pure intentions
- Internet dating can foster complacency – a temptation to rely on the internet and exclude other options
The Internet, Chemistry, and the Law of Attraction
I love the abundance of choice and abundance of information available to singles on dating sites so that they can more efficiently sort the pool for dating prospects.
The internet is a wonderful tool (I use it!) but…a tool is only as effective as HOW you use it.
If we rely on software and algorithms to deliver our life partner to us, we’re not going to find “the one” online (at least not as efficiently as if we were doing it intentionally and proactively).
The two biggest reasons why the internet isn’t effective for many singles is the role of chemistry and the Law of Attraction.
Chemistry is critically important for a successful relationship.
Everyone wants a partner they feel strong chemistry with, and a relationship would be pretty dry and unsustainable without it.
The Fourth Principle of Conscious Dating is “Balance Your Heart With Your Head.” Identifying your relationship requirements, needs, and wants does not minimize the need for chemistry.
You need both! I like to think of chemistry as the radar that helps you find your target, then you use your relationship requirements, needs and wants to decide “yes” or “no.”
The Law of Attraction is inescapable and either works for you or against you.
The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like” and “energy follows attention,” meaning your results reflect your thoughts and your actions.
Over the years I’ve become convinced that the Law of Attraction is a powerful law of the Universe, like gravity.
Just like “what goes up must come down,” try as you might, you can’t avoid or change the principle that “like attracts like.”
If you’re showing up in your dating journey as “busy” or “shy” and the internet is your only means of reaching potential partners, in a way you’re hiding behind your computer and the Law of Attraction is not likely to help you in finding the partnership you truly want.
If you’re hiding behind your computer, what people, relationships, and results are you likely to attract (if any)?
The Top Five Ways to Find Your Life Partner Without a Computer
Use your support community
Most people find their life partner through someone they know, so don’t be a lone ranger (another dating trap!) and get support from your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors to assist you to meet potential partners.
This can be as simple as letting your friends and network know that you’re single and looking, give them an idea of who you’re looking for, and ask for their help in keeping their eyes and ears open for potential matches for you, and to connect you with them if they find a potential match.
Start dating pool or networking group
Similar to using your support community, this is about creating your own support community. Get a group of singles together (any gender mix) to support each other to meet potential partners.
Most singles know lots of other singles of both genders, so pool your resources and do some matchmaking for each other!
Reach out and connect to people
In today’s busy world with cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, and the internet promoting impersonal ways of interacting with others, it’s easy to forget the lost art of engaging with real people that are right in front of you.
Make an effort to reach out and connect with the people you come into contact with in your everyday life and watch your relationships blossom.
Make more friends
Since most people find their life partner through someone they know, be open to developing new friendships and expanding your support community.
Chances are you already have acquaintances at work and other places that you would enjoy spending more time with. Friends are easier to find than dates, and friendships often last longer than romantic relationships!
This is part of being a successful single. Don’t isolate yourself. You don’t need to take this journey alone. Share it with friends. And these friends may lead you to your life partner!
Too many singles lead isolated lives centered around work, home, and a few friends. Participating in clubs, groups, classes, charities, church/temple, is the most important way you can leverage the Law of Attraction to help you find your life partner.
You’ll meet new people, make new friends, and pursue hobbies and interests important to you that bring you joy AND bring you in contact with other compatible singles.
Balancing High Tech with High Touch
While technology can help us in many ways, let’s not forget that as humans we are social beings and finding your life partner is a relationship goal that is most effectively achieved by getting away from your computer and living a full, rich life among real people doing the things you enjoy that make your life meaningful.
That’s not to say that you should ditch internet dating. The bottom line is: don’t rely on the internet alone to find your life partner.
Use it proactively as a tool, but move to meeting your online connections by phone and then in person as soon as possible (if they pass the phone screen) so that you can really meet them.
In addition, use your in-peron networks to help scout for you!
And make real connections as you go about your day! Instead of thumbing through your email while you’re waiting for your tall cappuccino.
Make eye contact with people, smile, chat with the cute guy standing next to you…not with the intention of getting anyone’s number, but with the intention of simply connecting with other human beings.
People will feel your warmth, energy and openness. You’ll make new connections, make new friends, and the right man for you — who’s looking for you, too — will find you even faster.
How to Bring Him Closer and Turn Your Relationship Around
Craving reassurance from him? Or obsessing over your relationship?
Two things may be happening.
You may have an anxious attachment style.
And/or you may be in an anxious-avoidant relationship.
Are any of these issues below coming up for you right now?
- Getting mixed messages or confusing signals about his feelings and/or his commitment toward you (and you’re left feeling rejected)
- Unsure where you stand in the relationship, and it leaves you feeling insecure
- Craving reassurance from him about the relationship, at the same time worrying about whether you’re being “too needy,” clingy, or sensitive
- Your relationship feels like an emotional roller coaster…. he’s super romantic and connected at times, but it feels short-lived
- You feel like this dynamic seems to happen over and over again in your relationships with men
If any of these issues are coming up for you, you may be in what’s called a “pursuer-distancer dance” or an “anxious-avoidant relationship.”
It’s basically the situation where you’re trying to get closer to him (make progress in your relationship), but (on some level), he seems to be resisting that closeness/commitment, or the relationship feels stalled.
And so, it leaves you feeling insecure and unsure where you stand with him.
Or…if you’re with a guy who’s really there for you, but you still find yourself obsessing and worrying, you may have an anxious attachment style and your insecurities are unconsciously pushing him away.
I’m hearing from some clients and readers that they need more support in this area.
So I’m hosting a free webinar in a few days where I’ll show you how to identify and finally free yourself from anxious attachment or heal an “anxious-avoidant relationship” so you can have the fulfilling committed relationship you really want.
JOIN MY FREE WEBINAR
The 3 Keys to Healing Anxious Attachment
How to Finally End the Worry, Confusion, and Insecurity and Have a Healthy, Loving, Committed Relationship That Lasts
Thursday, October 21, 3PM PT / 6PM ET
- The two reasons why he pulls away, acts distant, or sends mixed messages, and how to get clarity and find out his true intentions
- Four steps to knowing when to give him a chance or call it quits—so you can avoid wasting your precious time in a potentially dead-end relationship
- Why smart, strong women like you, who’ve been doing the “inner work” for a while, can still get trapped in the pursuer-distancer cycle and how to stop the emotional rollercoaster for good
- The 3 biggest misconceptions about love and attachment keeping you stuck in this painful cycle, and what to focus on instead
- The simplest way to bring your avoidant man closer and turn your relationship around and how to attract a man who is ready for commitment and eager to meet your needs
👇👇👇 REGISTER TO SAVE YOUR SPOT NOW 👇👇👇
How to Decide if He’s Right for You
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴