I keep running into non-committals!
My dates are going great with this laid back warm and gentle kind man who I’m 100% attracted too. The chemistry is HOT and such a relief after my unloving marriage. He’s shared how crazy it feels to connect like we do. I have been seeing him for months, but not as frequently as I’d like. I love how our kids have met and our 1:1 dates were long in duration so that’s nice. Paddleboarding, bike rides, beach, dinners, etc.
From the beginning, this man has shared he’s a bit jaded. His ex cheated and he’s not so hopeful about lasting relationships. I shared my views and positive outlook. At one point he said oh well maybe somebody can change my views. (Haha I’m in no way trying to change any man’s views)
He’s opened up on our dates and stated even how HE is shocked he’s shared so much, but it mostly feels disconnected in between dates. I guess I’m not seeing the drive or progression, but I definitely feel admired and respected.
I’m so busy, that I’m fine with it going slow. I kind of need it to go slow as well. I would entertain going on a date with another guy, so I’m not “waiting”.
I just am frustrated. It’s hard for me to stay connected at this speed…. to anyone.
I feel sad, I feel like it’s a missed opportunity. It feels so real, then it feels like a dream when we are apart. I don’t want all of this to change my mindset.
I want to feel like I can patiently navigate this in my favor. Like I have control in the outcome to some degree. It’s all how you handle it. I don’t want to scare him away.
I want him to tell me how he feels, but without me prompting him. I want him to come after me more and ask me out more often.
How can I get him to invest more?
– Single mom tired of dating
My friend, Melissa Audrey, is a dating and relationship expert who helps women turn their relationship around when it feels like it’s just not working.
She shares her wisdom with you in today’s response to “Ask Melissa!”
Dear Single mom tired of dating,
Thanks so much for writing in! It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling frustrated because you aren’t seeing the progression or a sign that things are moving forward with this man.
In my reply, I’ll explain:
- Why chemistry isn’t the most important factor
- How longer dates may not be the best way to date this man
- Why saying less or just not talking about relationships is the best way to go
- How to communicate with him to make him want to spend more time with you
- The most important thing to men when you’re spending time together and how this will inspire him to want to get closer to you
- What to do to get him to invest more and where you should put your focus instead
AH! The Chemistry Factor
You mentioned how the chemistry with this man is HOT and such a relief after your unloving marriage. I totally get that! It’s such a delicious, intense and sexy feeling that takes over us completely.
My view is that chemistry, in the beginning stages of dating a man, is a reaction that takes over your entire being: your mind, your body, your heart, and your cells. But this reaction isn’t based on any cultivated or developed experience as it isn’t mindful or even thoughtful.
It’s just a reaction and until there’s chemistry that is sustained after a relationship has been developed over a certain period, it’s not real and therefore not the most critical factor when choosing to continue to date a man.
I’m not suggesting that it doesn’t have value because it does! What I’m saying is that you should recognize it as a ‘’reaction’’ that engulfs you and chemistry that is all-consuming in the beginning stages of dating is never sustainable.
The depth and magnitude of chemistry will evolve over time and when a relationship matures, the chemistry you have at that stage is real and more meaningful.
Longer Dates Vs. Shorter Dates
Long dates are fun and when they’re working for you, that’s terrific! It always feels satisfying to spend longer periods of time with a man that we’re interested in.
In your case, I propose having shorter dates or have fewer longer dates. You spoke of wanting to see this man more frequently. Instead of seeing him for longer dates where he is likely getting his ‘’fill’’ of you, have shorter dates that ‘’leave him craving more’’.
It may sound ‘’gamey’’, but it isn’t. It’s about scarcity versus availability. At this stage of dating, less is better. When you have longer dates, they’re fun and a great opportunity to create more feeling good moments. On the downside, a man gets his ‘’fill’’ or feels ‘’topped up’’ regarding dating and relationships more quickly than women do. If a man feels that way, he’ll feel less keen in asking you out and seeing you more regularly.
The Time He Invests With You Means A LOT
You may be asking yourself ‘’Well if a guy is interested, would he WANT to spend more time with me?’’’ Yes, of course he would. When a man is ‘’hooked’’ and really interested, nothing would stop him from seeing you. Spending time with you would be a priority and he would make that happen no matter what.
The amount of time he spends with you is a good indicator of how he feels about you. It seems that this man has some interest in you however based on what you’ve written, he doesn’t appear hooked. The good news is that this can change!
Sometimes women inadvertently push men (who at first were really into us) away with our neediness, with our approach regarding our wants and our way of being with a man. When we change our approach, if he’s the right man, his interest can skyrocket.
By following the advice below, this is something that can happen for you so read every word!
The High-Value Goddess Way To Inspire Him To Want More Of You
What you’ll want to do instead is to create space so that a man will feel inspired to come towards you. The best way to do that is to :
Step Back, so when he asks you out for a date, you have plans already but you can fit him into your schedule for shorter dates. This isn’t ‘’playing hard to get’’ because you won’t be playing anything.
Playing hard to get can work for a day or short periods but it never works long term so don’t do it. Men can instinctively feel that they’re being ‘’gamed’’ and it results in you coming across as dishonest, needy and desperate.
That is a surefire way to turn off a man quickly.
Stepping back means that for reasons of your own (that have nothing to do with a man) you fill up your life with your own interests and activities. Even if that includes staying home and doing stuff by yourself.
You create a schedule of stuff that fills you up and you keep that schedule no matter what offers come your way.
I know that it isn’t always easy to do this, but it WORKS because it’s not fake. You’re hard to get because your life is full but you’re not playing at anything.
This works beautifully to shift your vibe because your primary focus is on YOU. By enjoying your full and juicy life, your energy (thoughts, action, time) is focussed on you instead of being laser-focused on a man.
By becoming the focal point of your own life, your vibe changes to one of surrender. Surrendering to having any kind of ‘’grip’’ on a man provides you with great relief and release.
No healthy good man wants to be the center of your universe.
Your energy becomes lighter and breezier and that feels great for you and as a bonus, it’s very attractive to a healthy, good man.
Goddesses Don’t Listen To A Man’s ‘’Stories’’ At The Beginning Stages of Dating
You mentioned that this man is shocked by how much he’s shared with you: since the beginning, he’s shared how feels jaded about relationships because his ex cheated on him, he’s not feeling hopeful about relationships and how maybe somebody can change his views.
You responded by sharing your views and your positive outlook. Women do this because they think by being nurturing, supportive and understanding about his relationship views will draw a man in closer to them.
I understand that you mean well when you do this, but when a woman becomes a man’s ‘’confidante’’ and listens to a man’s relationship baggage and talks about the ex, she risks being ‘’friend-zoned’’.
Instead of increasing his attraction towards you, you’ll end up feeling like a friend, mother or sister to him rather than as a romantic love interest.
Please note that being nurturing, supportive and understanding has its place in a romantic relationship but it’s best to save these behaviors for when the relationship has progressed to something more serious like exclusivity and commitment and when the man’s ‘’energy’’ has been coming towards you more consistently.
When I say ‘’energy’’, I’m referring to the level of action and time a man gives to you.
Feminine Communication Principles That Bring Men Closer
When I work with women, I teach them how to communicate their feelings, wants and needs to men in a more feminine way that brings men closer instead of pushing them away.
At one point you said to this man ‘’so when do I get to see you, I feel like we are pen pals lol. He said, “I know, seriously!”
Even though you said ‘’lol’’ at the end of your question, which I assume was a way to keep things light, you let him know that what he’s giving you right now isn’t enough. Of course, your needs are important and sharing your needs in this way to a man makes him ‘’wrong’’.
Also, when wants are expressed in this manner, it pushes men away:
- Instead of our interest, they feel pressure
- Instead of our open and inviting hearts that they could explore, they’ll feel our expectations
- They’ll feel that we want something from them
I suggest that instead of asking him when you can see him; you use a positive feeling statement instead with no mention of lack.
Here are some basic templates:
“I feel __________…” or “It would feel __________…”
Fill in the blank with a positive emotion–you don’t want to say, “I feel that you should __________.”
An example would be, “It feels so good to spend time with you…”–rather than, “I feel bad when we don’t spend enough time together.”
Note: Men don’t like to be told what to do nor do they enjoy being told what they should do. They also don’t appreciate thinly veiled complaints.
These feminine communication methods aren’t about manipulating men into doing what we want them to do. They’re about communicating our needs, wants and desires authentically in a way that isn’t pushy or demanding.
The Most Important Thing To Men
The number 1 most important thing to men when they’re in your company is that they feel good. Yep, it’s that simple. They want to feel good around you. Feeling good around you means that they want to feel positive, safe, free, not judged, and they don’t want complaints or criticism. They want to feel like they’re winning.
The simplest way to trigger a man’s desire to spend more time with you is to focus on creating good feeling moments with him. These positive experiences with you will inspire a man’s love, energy and devotion because when you’ve created a deep heart connection with him, he’ll feel safe and compelled to come closer to you.
Remember that those good feeling moments are for YOU to feel good around him too. This isn’t all about him! I don’t want you to create good feeling moments to the detriment of your own feelings like doing it just to ‘’get the guy’’’ / please him/ meet his needs. Your needs have to be met at the same time.
This may sound counter-intuitive but when you’re creating good feeling moments with a man, you’ll want to let go of the outcome or of any expectations. Being present and enjoying your time with a man are key.
It’s the attachment to the outcome that drives us, especially at the beginning stages of dating but it’s one thing that can derail our success in love. It’s better to detach and observe a man’s behavior and seeing what comes up.
You want him to invest more in you. The best and fastest way to inspire him to do that is for :
- YOU to invest more into YOURSELF. This expands on what I said earlier about stepping back. To create the space for him to come towards you, you’ll want to take your focus completely off of a man and put it onto yourself.
Find activities, passions or hobbies that will absorb your attention, time and energy. Being committed to investing in yourself in this way is key. This isn’t a temporary thing. This is something that you should always do.
When you’re happily and fully involved with your own life, less of your energy is going towards a man. You’ll also feel happier and lighter and your vibe will shift too and be very attractive and magnetic to a man. Promise!
By investing more into yourself, you naturally decrease your investment in him.
I also recommend that you date other men at the same time so you don’t pin all your hopes on this man. He may not be the man for you but it’s too early to tell. By following the suggestions laid out here in my reply to your questions, it shouldn’t take too long to know.
In the meantime, dating other men is a great way to invest in yourself. I know that you’re tired of dating. I totally get that! It’s a process that takes time yet finding your One is worth it. I suggest that you reach out to a coach you resonate with for the most effective ways to date.
Keep the dates short will ensure that you don’t waste time or burn-out. I recommend 1 hour-long mini-dates that don’t require too much effort for you as a single mom. With careful planning and if you have the mental energy, you can even book 2 or 3 dates in the same day.
You mentioned having long dates with the man you’re currently seeing so I know that you have the time. Making dating efficient as a single mom is important.
Important note: You need not be physically intimate with any of these men.
Keep the faith and know that you have much more attraction power than you realize with men.
For more tools about how to attract high-caliber men and be chased by them OR to revive your current man, wake him up and bring him back to life, download my beautiful free guide called “Be Loved Like A Goddess: 7 Steps To Captivate Him and Be Irresistible…” You’ll be glad that you did!
Melissa Audrey is a Certified Love and Relationship coach who helps women empower themselves by teaching them love skills, vibe-shifting mindset work, feminine energy embodiment, and goddess scripts.
Her other credential is her own 18-year fairytale relationship which she completely turned around from “death” at the 15-year mark without asking her man to work on it with her.
After marrying her man just months before their 16 year anniversary, Melissa knew that she had to help women all over the world have amazing love lives with great men.
After working with Melissa, her clients are ready to attract their new high-caliber man, revamp the romance with the man they already love, get the devotion and commitment they desire and create earth-shattering romance by doing less so that they can be loved like a goddess every day. Download her free guide on how to be loved like a goddess.
How to Decide if He’s Right for You
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴