Emma was curled up on the couch next to Alex, their feet tangled under a cozy blanket. The TV was on, but Emma’s mind was somewhere else entirely.
She kept stealing glances at Alex, who was laughing at something on the screen, totally clueless to the anger brewing inside her.
You see, Emma had this idea, kind of like those you see in movies, where love means never having to say what you need “because your partner just gets it.”
She had been riding high on cloud nine since getting that big promotion at work, secretly hoping Alex would throw a little celebration or at least pop a bottle of something fizzy.
But here they were, just another Netflix night, as if nothing special happened.
“Why can’t he just ask how my day was or congratulate me?” she wondered, feeling a mix of disappointment and a little bit of hurt.
It wasn’t like Alex didn’t care; she knew he did. But why wasn’t he reading the signs, her long sighs, the hopeful looks?
She believed if Alex truly loved her, he would just know, he would understand her needs without her having to spell them out.
But the words never came.
There was this gap between what Emma thought love should look like and what was playing out in real life.
The room was filled with her unspoken expectations and silent wishes, making her feel lonelier as each minute ticked by.
She felt a mix of resentment and longing, yearning for Alex to break through the invisible barrier with some gesture of empathy. But she stayed silent, nursing her unvoiced expectations and growing frustration.
As the night wound down, Emma felt more upset and alone. She was waiting for Alex to pick up on her hints, to ask her something, anything. But nothing. She was too stuck in her head, too upset to break the ice herself.
Finally, she got up, feeling all heavy and moody.
“Goodnight,” she said in this clipped tone, leaving Alex looking all confused on the couch. As she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, she was wrapped up in her own feelings of loneliness and anger.
Alex, still in the living room, just couldn’t figure out why she was acting all weird.
The silence of the night just kind of put an exclamation point on the whole thing – Emma with her feelings all bottled up and Alex totally in the dark.
Can you relate?
Here’s What Really Going On Here
One of the most pervasive yet flawed ideas in relationships is the belief that if our partners truly loved us, they would instinctively know our needs and desires.
While it’s a romantic notion, it sets unrealistic expectations and can lead to significant misunderstandings and disappointments in a relationship.
Where the heck does this pervasive yet flawed belief come from??
It’s not your fault. It comes from basically everywhere.
The myth of “If my partner loved me, they would know what I need” is influenced by a combination of cultural, societal, and media factors.
Here’s a breakdown of how these elements contribute to this widespread belief:
Cultural and Societal Influences That Negatively Impact the Way We Perceive How “Should” Relationships Work
Romanticization of Love: Many cultures idealize love as a profound, almost mystical connection between two people. This romanticization often includes the belief that true love transcends the need for verbal communication, leading to the expectation that a loved one should inherently understand one’s needs.
Traditional Gender Roles: In some cultures, traditional gender roles contribute to this myth. For example, women are often portrayed as natural caregivers who intuitively understand the needs of others, which can perpetuate the expectation that they should instinctively know their partner’s needs and vice versa.
Socialization Patterns: From a young age, individuals are exposed to societal norms and expectations about relationships. These norms often emphasize the idea of a ‘perfect’ partner who can effortlessly understand and meet all emotional needs, creating unrealistic expectations for real-life relationships.
For example! How are kids (and girls specifically!) conditioned at a young age to develop romanticized notions of how relationships work?
Fairy Tales: Consider the classic fairy tales like “Cinderella,” “Sleeping Beauty,” or “Beauty and the Beast.” These stories often conclude with the idea of “happily ever after,” suggesting that once the perfect partner is found, no further effort is needed to understand each other or maintain the relationship. The princes in these tales are often portrayed as ideal partners who instinctively understand and fulfill the protagonist’s desires without much communication or prior knowledge of each other.
Children’s Movies and Books: In many children’s movies and books, the narrative often revolves around a protagonist who finds their ideal match, and the story ends there, rarely showing the work that goes into sustaining a relationship. These stories frequently depict love as an instant, perfect connection where partners are in complete harmony without the need for explicit communication.
Impact on Young Minds: Children who grow up watching and reading these stories may develop a subconscious belief that finding the ‘right’ person is the only prerequisite for a successful relationship. They might start believing in the notion that once you find your ‘soulmate,’ understanding each other’s needs, emotions, and thoughts will come effortlessly, without the need for open dialogue or active efforts to understand one another.
Real-World Consequences for Women and Men as Adults
This early socialization can lead to adults entering relationships with the expectation that their partner should inherently understand their needs and feelings, just like the characters in the stories they were exposed to as children.
When this doesn’t happen, it can lead to disappointment and a sense that the relationship is lacking, even though such expectations are not realistic or feasible in real-life relationships.
It doesn’t stop there. The messages are all over the media, too.
Media Influence on the Way We Perceive How “Should” Relationships Work
Movies and Literature: Romantic movies and literature often portray love as an all-encompassing emotion that magically enables partners to understand each other without words. These narratives can shape people’s expectations about their own relationships.
Popular Media and Fairy Tales: Many popular media representations and fairy tales depict love as a flawless, intuitive bond. The ‘happily ever after’ trope often skips over the hard work of communication, and projects romantic love as an innate, all-solving force.
Social Media: Social media platforms can amplify this myth by showcasing idealized portrayals of relationships where partners seem to effortlessly meet each other’s needs. These curated glimpses – pictures — can create a skewed perception of what real relationships should look like.
Psychological Factors That Skew the Way We Perceive How “Should” Relationships Work
Projection of Desires: Psychologically, individuals may project their desires and needs onto their partners, expecting them to fulfill these without having been communicated. This projection can stem from personal insecurities or a lack of self-awareness.
Attachment Styles: People’s attachment styles, developed early in life, can influence their expectations in relationships. Those with anxious attachment styles, for example, might be more prone to believing in this myth as a way to seek validation and assurance.
Why This Thinking Is Flawed and How It Negatively Impacts Your Relationships
As I mentioned earlier, while it’s a romantic notion, it sets unrealistic expectations and can lead to significant misunderstandings and disappointments in a relationship.
It Doesn’t Consider Individual Differences: Every person is unique, with their own set of experiences, thoughts, and emotional processes. Expecting a partner to inherently understand your needs overlooks these individual differences.
It Overlooks the Importance of Direct Communication in Relationships: Love is not a mind-reading game. Effective communication is essential in expressing needs and desires. Assuming that love equates to psychic knowledge sets both partners up for failure.
It Sets Relationships Up to Fail With Unrealistic Expectations: This mindset places an unfair burden on your partner to decipher unspoken signals or messages, which can lead to frustration on both sides.
How This Notion Sets Relationships up to Fail
It Creates Resentment and Misunderstandings: When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of resentment, as one might feel neglected or misunderstood.
It Creates Pressure and Anxiety: It puts unnecessary pressure on the partner who is expected to ‘just know,’ often causing anxiety and a fear of getting it wrong.
It Creates Missed Opportunities for Connection: Relying on this belief can prevent the deepening of the relationship that comes from open, honest, and vulnerable communication.
A Better Approach to Communication
Create Open Communication: Encourage an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires openly. This builds understanding and empathy.
Practice Active Listening: When your partner communicates their needs, listen actively. This demonstrates care and willingness to understand their perspective.
Educate Each Other: Use your experiences as opportunities to educate each other about what you need and why. This mutual education can deepen your bond and understanding.
Express Needs Clearly: Be clear and direct about your needs and desires. It’s not about making demands, but about simply sharing what you are thinking and feeling in a kind yet direct way to enhance mutual understanding.
Adopt a Healthier Mindset to Communicating Your Needs In Relationships
Understand That Love Is Not Telepathy: Recognize that loving someone does not automatically grant the ability to read their mind. Love is shown through actions, words, and the willingness to understand each other.
Value Effort Over Perfection: Appreciate the efforts your partner makes to understand and meet your needs, even if they don’t always get it right.
Cultivate Patience and Kindness: Be patient and kind, both with yourself and your partner, as you navigate the complexities of understanding each other’s needs.
The UNCONSCIOUS Root of this Belief and Psychological Phenomenon
So here’s an important concept that I invite you to be aware of: how we project our desires onto our partner.
As a reminder, projection of desires is when we project our desires and needs onto their partners, expecting them to fulfill these without having been communicated. This projection can stem from personal insecurities or a lack of self-awareness.
This is what it looks like in real life:
Situation: Let’s take the case of Sarah and Mark, who have been in a relationship for a couple of years. Sarah has always cherished her birthday as a significant occasion. Growing up, her family made a big deal out of birthdays, showering the birthday person with surprises, gifts, and a special dinner. For Sarah, this became a symbol of love and affection.
Projection in Action: Now in a relationship with Mark, Sarah subconsciously expects the same level of enthusiasm and celebration for her birthday. However, she doesn’t communicate this expectation to Mark, as she believes that if he truly loves and understands her, he will naturally know how to make her birthday special, just as her family did.
Mark’s Perspective: Mark, on the other hand, grew up in a family where birthdays were acknowledged but not celebrated extravagantly. To him, a simple “Happy Birthday” and a nice gesture, like cooking dinner, is sufficient to mark the occasion.
Resulting Tension: When Sarah’s birthday comes around, Mark prepares a cozy dinner at home, thinking it would be a pleasant birthday celebration. However, Sarah feels disappointed and unloved because her deep-seated expectations, based on her own desires and past experiences, are not met. She feels let down, even though Mark has no idea why his efforts seem to have missed the mark.
Underlying Issue: This situation illustrates “Projection of Desires,” where Sarah’s uncommunicated expectations – based on her personal history and desires – are projected onto Mark. She subconsciously expects him to instinctively know and act according to her unexpressed wishes, leading to disappointment and misunderstanding in their relationship.
How We “Project” Our Desires On Our Partner
The psychological phenomenon of “Projection of Desires” occurs when an individual subconsciously transfers their own desires and needs onto their partner. This often happens without explicit communication, leading to expectations that the partner should instinctively understand and fulfill these desires.
So What Are the Underlying Causes of This?
Personal Insecurities: Individuals with certain insecurities or unmet emotional needs may project these onto their partners. For example, someone who craves validation might expect their partner to continuously provide affirmations of love and support without having expressed this need.
Lack of Self-Awareness: When a person isn’t fully aware of their own needs and desires, they might unconsciously expect their partner to figure them out. This lack of self-awareness can prevent them from communicating their needs effectively, leading to frustrations when these unspoken expectations are not met.
This is some of the deepest and transformational work that I do with clients: helping women clarify their needs. Because when you’re aware of your needs, you are empowered to communicate them.
Past Experiences: Previous relationships and upbringing can shape a person’s belief system about how love should be expressed. If they were accustomed to certain patterns of emotional support in the past, they might project the expectation of similar patterns onto their current partner.
“Perception is Projection” and Relationships
One more concept! The concept of “Perception is Projection” is the idea that what we perceive in our external environment is often a reflection of our internal thoughts and beliefs. This concept ties into relationship dynamics in the following ways:
Projecting Inner Beliefs: In a relationship, if a person has the belief that “If my partner loves me, they will automatically know what I need,” they might perceive situations through this lens.
This perception influences how they interpret their partner’s actions. For instance, if the partner fails to anticipate a need, it may be perceived as a lack of love or care.
The Feedback Loop: This projection can create a feedback loop where the individual continually seeks validation of their beliefs through their partner’s behavior, often leading to misinterpretations and disappointment.
The “Perception is Projection” concept is pretty much saying that the way we see the world is like looking in a mirror. Whatever is going on inside our heads – our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings – kind of paints the picture of what we see around us.
In relationships, this means that if we’re carrying certain beliefs or expectations inside, we start to see our relationships through that lens.
For example, if you believe that no one really listens to you, you might interpret even the smallest things your partner does as proof that they’re not listening. It’s like you’re wearing these special glasses that filter everything your partner does through your belief.
So, if you’re feeling insecure or have certain fears, you might see signs of these fears in your partner’s actions, even if they’re not really there.
It’s super important to be aware of this because it can lead to misunderstandings and jumping to conclusions about our partner’s actions that might not be true.
Basically, “Perception is Projection” is a reminder to check if what we think we’re seeing in our relationships is really there, or if it’s just a reflection of our own inner world.
But do you see how this can be a never-ending cycle of disconnection and disappointment — if this dynamic remains unconscious?
So how can we bring this to our conscious awareness and break this cycle?
Awareness and Reframing: Become more aware of your projections and reframe these beliefs. For example, instead of expecting a partner to intuitively know your needs (or vice versa), you can learn to recognize the importance of clear communication and consciously change this approach to expressing your needs.
Empathy and Understanding: By understanding that your perception is a projection of your inner beliefs and desires, you can develop greater empathy. You can begin to see your partner’s actions not as a failure to meet unspoken needs, but as an opportunity for open dialogue and deeper connection.
The principle of “Perception is Projection” really highlights the importance of self-awareness and communication in relationships.
Recognizing and addressing these projections can lead to healthier relationship dynamics where needs and desires are openly communicated and understood, rather than left to be guessed or projected.
In my role as a trauma-aware transformational relationship coach and a Master Practitioner in NLP, I work with I work with women to challenge and overcome the flawed belief that “If my partner loved me, they would know what I need.” This widespread myth often leads to unmet expectations and frustrations in relationships.
My approach focuses on unraveling these misconceptions and guiding women towards a more empowering understanding of love and communication.
By combining my expertise in NLP with a trauma-informed coaching perspective, I work with you to uncover the unconscious beliefs and past experiences that may be fueling this relationship-sabotaging expectation.
Together, we explore how these beliefs have shaped your relationship dynamics and start the process of transforming them. The goal is to shift from a mindset of passive expectation to one of active communication and mutual understanding.
Our journey involves developing the skills and confidence to express your needs clearly and understanding that true emotional connection is built on open, honest dialogue, not on guesswork.
This shift not only enhances your relationship but also creates a deeper sense of self-awareness and personal empowerment.
Whether you find yourself in a cycle of unfulfilling one-sided relationships or simply seek to deepen your current partnership, we can work together can provide a supportive and insightful environment for this transformation.
If this resonates with you, let’s talk. And together we can move beyond the myth and create the fulfilling, communicative, and healthy love you deserve.
Leave a Reply