Regardless of what stage of divorce he is in, there are always potential long-term realities to be aware of when dating a divorced man or a divorced man with children.
Not every divorce or relationship has these qualities, but they are things to consider as you think about whether you want to be with him long-term.
He Has to Pay Alimony
Alimony is basically a court-ordered provision for a spouse to make payments to the other spouse, either by lump sum or on a continuing basis, for financial support and maintenance.
Not every divorce settlement has this. But in some cases it is possible he will be expected by the court to pay alimony to his ex for a period of time.
This might sometimes be frustrating for the woman a man dates after a divorce, as it may feel like money out of your pockets as a couple.
He Has to Pay Child Support
Child support is a series of court-ordered payments, typically made by a noncustodial divorced parent, to support one’s child or children. If your partner is a divorced dad and his children are minors, he will likely have to pay child support to help with housing, food, clothing, and expenses for school (even perhaps after-school activities and daycare, etc).
When children are involved, there will almost always be child support payment relationship requirements. Again, this can be frustrating, but remember that it is money going towards raising his children.
At the end of the day, would you really want to be with a man who is a deadbeat, and doesn’t support his children?
His Ex Will Always Be There
Usually, when couples split, it’s over, they usually don’t see each other anymore… Unless they have children or share assets like a house or rental property.
If your partner and his ex have children together, they will likely have to communicate with each other to arrange childcare (“Can you take the kids the weekend after next? I have a sales conference in Atlanta.”), discuss school issues (“Johnny has a C in Language Arts, what do you think about us getting him afterschool tutoring?”), and co-parent (“Jenny keeps refusing to eat breakfast, what should we do?”).
Or maybe they still share investment property and need to discuss matters regarding mending the fence or screening a renter.
Even if they’re no longer married, they might still have a parenting or business relationship. The best-case scenario: they’re both adults about it and they don’t abuse the fact that strings are still attached. The worst-case scenario: one party tries to manipulate the other party by using the assets or the kids to threaten the other party.
I’ve seen both (best case and worst case).
There are levelheaded adults in this world who will actually do the right thing; I have personally met them. But, it’s really unfortunate when you see adults devolve to the maturity level of sixth graders (Do you remember middle school? Not fun, right?) to try and get what they want.
What I mean to say is: pay attention to how he interacts with his ex. Pay attention to his attitude and demeanor.
How do they handle matters? How does he talk to her? How does he talk about her when he’s not talking to her?
I once dated a guy who referred to his ex as “that stupid bitch.”
Now, I believe that you don’t have to like someone, but I think everyone deserves to be respected as a person—as human beings. Sure, he can hate her guts and think she’s as dumb as a doornail, but that doesn’t give him license to disrespect her—even if she is a real bitch!
Plus, if he’s telling other people that his ex is a “stupid bitch”, what do you think he’s likely going to say about you, if you cross him one day?
Anyway—his ex will always be a part of his life if they have kids and if they co-parent. Check in with yourself to see what comes up for you around that fact, and find out if you’re ok with that.
He Needs to Take Care of His Kids (and Sometimes Cover for His Ex)
The more you spend time with him and his kids, the quicker you’ll realize how much care and attention kids need.
From cooking meals, help with homework, shuttling them to a friend’s house, clarinet lessons, soccer practice, to staying home with them when they’re too sick to go to school, or comforting them in the middle of the night after they’ve had a bad dream; kids require a lot of attention.
A man who has children who live with him (even part time) is not going to be able to give all his time and attention to the new woman in his life. Some of his weekends will be spent helping with a school science project or term paper. Or maybe their mom will have a work emergency, and he’ll have to take the kids for the night. There are a million scenarios.
This isn’t a bad thing (unless, of course, you want a relationship where it’s just the two of you); he’s just being a responsible father.
But if you notice yourself feeling resentful that he’s spending so much time with his kids, take a look at what that may mean about the relationship. What need or desire is not being met? And is it a requirement for you?
There’s Lack of Spontaneity
When children are involved, it can also be harder to find some spontaneity for your date nights and your sex life.
Nights with the kids will instead likely revolve around preparing meals, doing homework, and getting ready for bed.
Some of your movie nights out might consist of watching the latest Disney flick instead of that French documentary that you’ve wanted to see. Or you may have to plan your date nights weeks in advance to arrange for childcare.
Or maybe your sexy time is interrupted by a child crying in the other room (or even showing up in your bedroom!) because they had a nightmare.
If you have never personally raised children yourself, this can be a bit of an adjustment from your previous lifestyle.
Take a look at what you need to have a fun, fulfilling relationship. What does it look like for you? What matters to you?
Again, remember that every man and situation will be different. These situations don’t apply to everyone, but they are relatively common in relationships with a divorced dad.
The important thing is to prioritize what really matters to you. And then choose how you want to approach these issues and what they really mean for you and the life and relationship that you want.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
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He Says He’s Not Ready for Relationship. Now What? — Dating a Divorced Man Support says
[…] We feel insecure when we’re on shaky ground. And being in a relationship with a separated man who is going through a divorce is going to be—by default—shaky ground because his life and his whole family are undergoing a tremendous amount of transition. […]
Michele says
I have been dating a man whos a divorced dad and find it hard to be with hi when his kids are bloody bratts and hrs their becking call. The mother spoils her kids for affection instead of disciplining them to teach them responsibilty and respect my boyfriend whos their father tries to discipline them but hes frustrated.i feel im only there for hi to satisfy him.im there to listen and comfort him but find hes not for me unless he can get sex from me.im really frustrated to think in what to do.He and i have been friends for 1.5yrs and he at the start really fancied me but when i saod about my frustration that im not his becking call that he should respect me as an adult and not as relief when he needs it.i have backed off for a while and told him why.its because i got pissed off with him because the last time i was with him he got rid of me because his son was coming over.actually im not ready to meet his kids.his kids are bloody little bratts.Im keeping my distance from his kids for a longtime until i decide if the man im dating genuinelly wants me as a long-term partner
Melissa Josue says
Hi Michele, Thanks so much for your comment. I feel your frustration. I acknowledge you for standing by what you really want, standing for the respect and treatment that you deserve, even if that means you have to distance yourself. I know that is not easy. But when you settle for less, you get less. So way to go for standing for what you want!
All the best,
Melissa
Autumn says
What a great read! I was recently broken up with by a divorced man with a child. We dated for roughly 4 months (with lots of vacation and he and daughter time every other week). I experienced that things progressed much slower than other dating relationships I’ve been in due to that we couldn’t spend tons of time together.
He was clear that his daughter would only meet the person he was dating after the relationship was something very serious between us. We became an “official couple” 2 weeks ago, I met his daughter (it went great) and then following weekend he broke up with me. I’m just not 100% sure what happened. I didn’t see it coming. Do you have any incite or thoughts?
Melissa Josue says
Hi Autumn, I’m so glad the article was helpful to you! I hear your frustration. It sounds like it must have been hard to be blindsided like that.
usually when people break up, it’s because they realized that they were not ready for a relationship or they didn’t feel the relationship was a good long-term fit. Without knowing what was going on in his mind at the time, it’s really hard to say what made him want to break up. But those are the two biggest reasons. Dating a single dad adds extra layers of complexity to a relationship.
If he’s open to explaining, you could ask him why he wanted to break up. But if he doesn’t want to talk, you can find a way to get closure on your own by making meaning of the situation and moving on mentally and emotionally.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Amy says
My advice on dating parents…just DONT. You will never come first, you will have to sacrifice all your needs for the little bastards, and they are almosr always horrid brats who will make your life hell. If you arent a parent yourself, then dont go on even a single date with a man with kids, you’ll be risking everything for those living mistakes.
Melissa Josue says
Hi Amy, it sounds like you were in a relationship that really didn’t meet your needs. I’m sorry you had that experience.
Whenever we experience issues in our relationships, it points to a need or requirement that we have that’s not being met. And your strong opinions and feelings you have about that whole experience really speak to those needs and requirements that went unmet.
The thing is, everyone has their own needs and requirements that are unique to them. Your issues in the relationship might not be an issue for a different person. In any case, your needs are valid. It’s ok to want what you want. And that’s why it’s so important that we get clear on our needs and requirements… so we can make relationship decisions from that place…. so we can discern who’s highly aligned with our needs, requirements, and vision.
Hope this helps provide some guidance. 🙂
All the best,
Melissa
Dominique says
I’ve been with dating a man with 2 children to his ex, we have a daughter ourselves who’s 1 he doesn’t see his children as much anymore because there mom was causing issues and sending nasty messages to me all the time. My partner understandable gets emotional and lies in bed for days upset about it, he then contacts the children who say they only want to see there father alone they are 13 and 16, they don’t include my baby who’s 1, he goes on his own as they wished, I’m torn because I can’t carry on this way.
I couldn’t do enough for them and he doesn’t think about my feelings at all.