Does the man you’re dating still have “unfinished business” with his ex-wife even though they’ve been divorced for a while?
You thought that you were in the clear because he’s divorced.
And then he tells you one of the worst things a man you’re totally into could tell you:
He “needs some time apart” so that he can “figure things out.”
If this is your situation right now, you’ll want to hear what Love and Relationship Coach, Melissa Audrey, has to say.
My friend, Melissa Audrey is a dating and relationship expert who helps women turn their relationship around when it feels like it’s just not working.
She shares her wisdom with you in today’s response to “Ask Melissa!”
“I know how frustrating it feels to wait for a man to decide on whether or not he wants to continue dating you, especially when you feel that he’s the one.
What should you do?
Should you just wait for his response or not?
Is there anything you can do other than wait?
In today’s article, I help a reader get guidance on this question, including:
- Why waiting for his answer isn’t a good idea
- Why waiting for him lowers your value in his eyes
- What you can do instead to make him see you for the high-value woman you are
- Why eliminating this one behavior will make you much more desirable to a man
My problem is that my boyfriend asked for time to “think about things.”
His ex-wife keeps pulling him back by sending the kids to talk to him.
She divorced him 8 months ago and was cheating with another man for more than a year and a half.
They tried to fix things several times but it didn’t work.
He always goes back to her boyfriend.
Now he’s moved on and we met more than a month ago.
Things are going very good with each other.
We just kissed and we decided to take it seriously but slowly.
Then he came to me asking for time to think and wanting to be alone because the kids talked to him again.
He knows she is going to hurt him again, and he can’t trust her, but he is still confused.
He didn’t break up with me, he just asked to be alone and we agreed that he will tell me as soon as he reaches a conclusion.
Is he coming back? Or he is going back to her?
I’m sad, I miss him a lot.
He is the perfect guy for me.
We clicked right away.
I stopped dating for a long time after a huge disastrous break-up.
It was a disappointment.
I’m just being calm and I said nothing except, “Take your time. I will wait for your answer.”
I want him to make up his mind and see how evil is she.
She is just using him financially.
How can I win him?
-Confused and Needs Help
Dear Confused and Needs Help,
Thanks for taking the next step in trying to solve your dating situation by writing to me.
I can sense how much you like this man you’re dating.
You believe he’s the perfect man for you and how much you’d like this to work out.
I can feel your passion for him.
So you’ve been dating this man for one month and he’s asked for time apart to which you responded that he should take his time and that you’ll wait for his answer.
Congratulations for replying calmly.
This is great!
Now here is where I see an issue: You told him you would wait for his answer.
Waiting for a man is dis-empowering for a woman AND when a woman tells a man she will wait, she’s teaching him she will wait for him when he needs to step away.
I recommend to you as a modern dating woman to never wait for a man but instead to get busy and have fun with your own life and continue to see other men for coffee dates.
There need not be any intimacy with these men.
The reason I strongly advise this is that when a woman dates one man, she usually becomes laser-focused on him and pins all her hopes on him.
In your situation, you’ve only been dating this man for one month and it seems like you’ve been swept into the drama of his ex-wife and his issues.
In the first few months of dating, a woman should just be in “observation” mode, not hoping that the man she’s dating will “come to his senses” and realize how evil his ex-wife is and how she is using him.
The first few months of dating are when things should be light, and I repeat, a woman should be in observation mode at this stage.
There shouldn’t be any heavy discussions about exes and how badly they behaved.
I can understand that as women we are so tempted to listen to a man talk about his ex and be there for him and show him how good we are.
But this is a recipe for disaster!
Even if you’re going crazy with curiosity, you must keep in mind you’re only getting one side of the story.
Remember that he’s only sharing what he wants you to know!
It’s best to avoid all of this drama by not being his “confidante”.
Men don’t fall for this type of woman.
Another downside is that taking on this role risks putting you in the friend-zone territory.
Frankly, at this stage of dating, a man’s issues shouldn’t concern you too much.
All this drama and details “keeps you up in your head “ which doesn’t do you any good.
Issues like the ones you’re currently having are some of the things I help women within my work as a relationship coach.
I teach woman skills, tools, and scripts so that they can have the relationship of their dreams with a man who cherishes and adores them.
I also help them deal with the roller-coaster of emotions so that they’re empowered and confident in dating and relationships instead of feeling like they’re doing all the work.
Once they’ve mastered my teachings, they no longer feel insecure, over-analytical, and they have men chasing them instead.
Your main questions were – How can you make him decide and how can you win him.
First, you cannot “make” a man do anything.
Men do what they want to do.
At this beginning stage of dating, this man doesn’t owe you anything.
There isn’t anything you can say to him that will change that.
Second, as women, we often believe because his ex was a “bad” woman because she cheated on him and we are “good” women, that he will want us because we’re “good” and we will not cheat.
Well, it rarely works this way.
Shocking but true!
Some husbands who are cheated on will never want their wives back because she’s had sex with another man and other men will want the wife back because on some level her mistreatment of him causes him to feel excited.
He’ll still want her.
He won’t want the nice and good woman.
So you may think being nice, understanding, and the “good” woman will entice him but it likely won’t because this man isn’t emotionally available with this inner conflict going on.
I’d much rather you be with a man who wants a woman to love him.
This man seems to have tried for a while to get things to work after his wife cheated on him and now many months since they’ve been divorced, he still is emotionally unavailable for a loving woman like you.
He’s not “good ” and not “bad.”
He’s just emotionally unavailable right now.
So he’s not an ideal match for you at the moment.
You are a woman who’s ready for love.
I suggest continuing to see this man if you wish to, but don’t engage in conversations about his issues and remain in observation-mode.
I also strongly suggest that you date multiple men.
It will do wonders for you!
The man you’re dating hasn’t claimed you and you’ve got every right to keep your options open for a man who is available to you.
However, you must lean back by getting busy with your interests, hobbies, friends, etc.
This will shift your vibe massively and be very attractive to a man.
For more tools about how to attract high-caliber men and be chased by them OR to revive your current man, wake him up and bring him back to life, download my beautiful free guide called “Be Loved Like A Goddess: 7 Steps To Captivate Him and Be Irresistible…” You’ll be glad that you did!”
Her other credential is her own 18-year fairytale relationship which she completely turned around from -death- at the 15-year mark without asking her man to work on it with her.
After marrying her man just months before their 16 year anniversary, Melissa knew that she had to help women all over the world have amazing love lives with great men.
After working with Melissa, her clients are ready to attract their new high-caliber man, revamp the romance with the man they already love, get the devotion and commitment they desire, and create earth-shattering romance by doing less so that they can be loved like a goddess every day. Click here to sign up for her free online dating profile makeover.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Looking to get relationship help (beyond reading blog posts)? Here are a few ways that you can get real clarity and support:
- Trying to decide if you should give him a chance or walk away? My video course How to Clearly and Confidently Decide if You Should Stay or Go, is the best place to start.
- Dating a separated or recently divorced man and feeling stressed and confused trying to navigate the complexities of this relationship? Book a 1-on-1 Relationship Clarity Session with me.
- Want private relationship coaching and support to help you break free from anxious attachment so that you can ultimately have a healthy, loving committed relationship? Apply for a complimentary 75-minute Relationship Clarity Strategy Session to learn more about how we can work together to create the life and relationship you want. ❤️