I am widowed after four years and I reconnected with a childhood friend two years ago. We are living together. He’s very generous and affectionate, but extremely low sex drive.
I’ve had long discussions with him to let him know how it makes me feel and listened to his explanations. He claims spiritual reasons. But I am extremely frustrated by the lack of sex in our relationship.
I really care about him and our relationship and feel he does too, but I want more. I wish we would share much more physical intimacy. It’s been going on for four months! What to do?
My friend, Melissa Audrey, is a dating and relationship expert who helps women turn their relationship around when it feels like it’s just not working.
She shares her wisdom with you in today’s response to “Ask Melissa!”
Dear Sexless Boyfriend,
Thanks so much for having the courage to write in about the lack of sex in your relationship. On the Internet, we hear so much more about women having a lower sex drive or just not wanting sex altogether but there is a significant percentage of women who’re in relationships with men who have lower drives or no interest in sex.
It’s understandable that you feel this issue is damaging your self-esteem, and this affects the quality of your life.
You absolutely deserve to have your sexual and intimacy desires met because you’re a human being and we’re sexual creatures.
In my reply, I’ll explain:
- Why taking a break from discussions about your sex life is the best thing to do right now
- What to do in your relationship during this break
- What the best times are for reintroducing your concerns about your sex life
- How to communicate your needs with feminine communication principles
- How to determine and clarify what your deal-breakers are in your relationship
- What to do to raise your self-esteem
I recommend that you stop having discussions about this issue because they’re not working. Continuous talking about how your needs aren’t being met and how he’s not giving you what you desire results in making him wrong and it also damages the emotional connection.
Even though your needs are valid and important to you, repeatedly talking about it has him feeling stressed, guilty and controlled. This won’t help the issue going forward.
Taking a break for 3-4 weeks would be a good idea for both of you. It will take the pressure off of your man and it will be a good time for you to evaluate what you’re willing to live with and without in a relationship.
Intimacy is so much deeper than just sex. By building intimacy in other areas of your life, it may revive your man’s drive. Do this with no strings attached.
Take an interest in what your man is doing, ask him questions about his hobbies and passions and listen to what he says.
Have conversations with him about your hobbies and interests. Knowing what makes our partners tick and thrive increases the attraction.
Build the friendship aspect of your relationship. If you don’t share any hobbies or interests, start getting involved. Make the first move by telling your man that you’d like to partake in one of his hobbies. You can say something like “Oooh, that sounds fascinating. It would feel good to be a part of that one day.” Let him invite you to take part rather than insert yourself into his plans uninvited.
After the 3 or 4-week period has passed, you can consider reintroducing this topic into one of your conversations.
There are different ways to do this. Approach him and say that you would like to speak with him and inquire as to when would be a good time.
You can also bring up this concern while you’re bonding perhaps while doing an activity that you both enjoy. This works well because you’ll both be having fun and feeling more relaxed. During a walk can be a great idea rather than a sit down face-to-face conversation.
Even though it’s a serious topic of conversation, it will probably feel lighter to him if he’s moving his body and feeling free. Men don’t like to feel “ambushed” nor “obligated.” This will increase the odds that the conversation goes in your favor.
Right before the conversation take a few moments to ground or center yourself. Release any thoughts about this issue coming to a resolution during this conversation. Instead, look at this as “opening up the conversation”. rather than having an expectation.
I suggest bringing up sex as not only about your sexual needs but about as your needs as a couple:
- Focus on love and intimacy rather than your sexual desire and release
- Let go of any need to control the outcome
- Avoid as much as possible the word “you”
- Use the words “I feel” to express yourself
- Use words like the relationship, our relationship, as a couple, or our love life
- During the discussion ask him “What do you think?”
You mentioned that your man claims spiritual reasons. If it feels right to you, you can say this or change it to better represent how you feel.
“Our bodies, hearts, and souls were created to live a big life. A rich intimate life equips us with staying power to face the world and it energizes and empowers both of us. I deeply feel that our higher power designed us so we can enjoy everything we were created for: a rich and abundant life. Also, physical intimacy allows us to feel, know and rejoice in our bodies at such a deep level. What do you think?”
This no-pressure conversation will shift things for you and will be a good starting point. Now would be a good time to spend some time with yourself and re-evaluate what you’re willing to live with and live without in a relationship with a man.
Here a few questions to ask yourself:
- What are my absolute must-haves in a relationship with a man? That if you don’t have this, you would walk away.
- What would you like to have in a relationship with a man that isn’t a deal breaker if you don’t have it?
- If my situation remains unchanged in 3 months from now, how will I feel?
- Can I live with very little affection and without sex?
- What will the overall quality of my life be like if this issue isn’t resolved in a satisfactory manner?
- Will I come to resent this man over time?
- Would I be self-abandoning myself by staying in this relationship if things remain as they are?
This final step is the most important one: raising your self-esteem. It’s far too easy to allow relationship issues to hack away at our self-esteem and self-worth. The good news is that you can raise your self-esteem quickly in the following ways:
- When you hear a nasty voice in your head (or inner critic) use a key phrase, shut that bugger down quickly and shift to a better feeling or thought. Mine is – eff you, go away! This works brilliantly for me. Use it or come up with your own.
- Challenge yourself in a small way by going outside of your comfort zone. It’s best to start with a small challenge that has a good chance of succeeding. No matter what the outcome is, just knowing that you tried something new instead of sitting on your hands will have you feeling better.
- Create a daily 2-minute self-appreciation ritual where you list 3 things you appreciate and love about yourself. It could be something you accomplished, or an act of service you did for someone else or it can be something gloriously shallow, superficial and selfish:) For example:
- Today I was so helpful to my colleague who thought she had deleted the project she was working on her computer. I retrieved it for her and saved the day.
- I have such lovely feet! They have such a great shape and they’re always manicured and soft.
- I make the best vegan pastries. They taste amazing and no one can ever believe that they’re vegan.
I’m confident that if you make changes right away, you’ll be on the right path to resolving this issue.
For more tools about how to attract high-caliber men and be chased by them OR to revive your current man, wake him up and bring him back to life, download my beautiful free guide called “Be Loved Like A Goddess: 7 Steps To Captivate Him and Be Irresistible…” You’ll be glad that you did!
Melissa Audrey is a Certified Love and Relationship coach who helps women empower themselves by teaching them love skills, vibe-shifting mindset work, feminine energy embodiment, and goddess scripts.
Her other credential is her own 18-year fairytale relationship which she completely turned around from “death” at the 15-year mark without asking her man to work on it with her.
After marrying her man just months before their 16 year anniversary, Melissa knew that she had to help women all over the world have amazing love lives with great men.
After working with Melissa, her clients are ready to attract their new high-caliber man, revamp the romance with the man they already love, get the devotion and commitment they desire and create earth-shattering romance by doing less so that they can be loved like a goddess every day. Download her free guide on how to be loved like a goddess.
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