Dear Melissa, If your boyfriend’s friends are sexist and still like to “party” despite the fact that they’re in their 40’s now, can you ever really trust him around them or entirely respect him for choosing to associate with such people?
Hi Ulrika, Thanks so much for your question!
So your question boils down to: Can you trust and respect him?
And my answer for you is: It comes down to your values and your definition of trust and respect.
In other words: you know you can trust him if he meets your definition of being trustworthy and respectful.
Why We Experience Issues in Our Relationship
Anytime we experience issues in a relationship, it’s because a need or requirement of ours isn’t being met.
And our needs and relationship requirements are based on our personal values — how we want to live our life.
His friends might find him trustworthy, but you’re finding him difficult to trust because his behavior is clashing with your values and with your definition of respect and trust in a relationship.
How to Tell If You Can Trust Him
So what I would encourage you to do is ask yourself: What is YOUR definition of trustworthiness and respect in a relationship?
What does it look like and feel like to you when someone is trustworthy and respectful in a
How would you know and discern that someone is trustworthy and respectful in a relationship?
And then the second thing I would do is observe his behavior or look back on your experience with him: Is he meeting that definition of trust and respect?
His friends might behave immaturely, but is your boyfriend behaving the same way?
Does he party and engage in their sexism?
And to what degree does he socialize with them?
It’s one thing to be friends with them and another to behave like them.
We’ve all had friends or been acquainted with people who aren’t entirely aligned with our values.
But just because we’re friends with them or spend time with them, doesn’t necessarily mean we share their values.
So just to recap:
- Get clear on your own definition of trust and respect in a relationship (what does trust and respect look like in a relationship to you? How would you know trust and respect when you see it?)
- Observe whether he is meeting that definition (Does he share his friend’s values? Does he behave like them?)
How You Can Tell If He’s a Good Long-Term Fit for You
In my coaching work, I help women get super clear on their own needs and relationship requirements to help them make highly conscious decisions in their relationship.
This clarity helps you determine how you really feel about someone and whether they are a good long-term fit for you — whether the relationship is worth your time and heart to continue.
So getting clear on your needs and relationship requirements is really key to balancing your heart with your head and assessing whether he’s a good long-term fit.
When He’s Broken Your Trust, Can You Trust Him Again?
And if he’s done something to break your trust, how do you know if he can be trusted again?
We’re human. We’re imperfect beings. We make mistakes sometimes. We have lapses in judgement. We’re not always conscious and intentional about every decision we make.
That being said, we’re also highly resilient. We can learn. We can grow. We can change our ways.
If he is willing to acknowledge his mistakes and take responsibility (rather than creating blame or making excuses), and is doing everything in his power to correct the problem so that it isn’t a problem anymore (not just paying lip service by “saying sorry;” observe a man’s ACTIONS, not just his words) — then I would say he is more sincere about regaining your trust and changing his ways.
But if he’s making excuses and blaming others or his circumstances for why he can’t take responsibility for his mistakes, that’s a huge red flag.
Because if he doesn’t take ownership of his mistakes, then he’s not going to take conscious action to correct them (why would he if doesn’t believe they were his mistakes in the first place?).
So you’re not looking for a perfect man, but a man who can admit his imperfections and take responsibility and action to not let them interfere with your relationship.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to apply for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
yes going through trust issue myself and it can drive you crazy my live in boyfriend broke my trust he and his ex wife are close tells me they are not as close as i think just makes you think yes you are but he use to take her on a family vacation every year kids were young when she ended their marriage so when we first dated he knew she was going away with him and his kids at time kids were 15 and 17 so when he returned he told me right away the quilt was to strong he had to confess and said he was sorry now i live with him she is always texting him not about the kids and i think they talked on phone too but i would be ok if he told me the truth to me its strange that they got divorced she cheated and wanted it and he played the divorce husband they are divorced 14 years now he has been with me almost three years you would think it would slow down but he tells me once in a while but i think he deletes alot of her text he has told her im his prority and she says we always talked before me so someone please tell me how to trust or move on ill never know the truth or how to find it
Melissa Josue says
Thanks for sharing your comment, Jackie! I’m so sorry you’re having this experience. Yes…this is really about deciding what kind of relationship you want to have. If you feel like you’ve talked to him and have tried to resolve the issue and he still lies and covers it up, it really comes down to: what kind of man do you want to be with?
Because you can try to get the truth out of him, but if he still lies, that doesn’t resolve the issue. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want.