I have been dating a divorced dad for a little over 3 months. We live 45 minutes away from each other. He has 50/50 custody of his kids (11 & 14) I have full custody of mine (16 & 22).
Since he got 50/50 (March 2019) we went from seeing each other three to five times a month to two times and so far no weekend availability now. I do not have an issue with his time with his kids, it is the other time gaps. I am not sure why I am not more of a priority.
We talk about my “need” for more, but I don’t know if my need is realistic or not. I get depressed the day after we see each other as I know it will be a couple of weeks before we see each other again.
I don’t want to feel like this in the relationship. We care deeply for each other and that is evident. We want to spend more time together, but he is busy. I don’t want to resent him for keeping space for him when he cannot for me.
I’ve already talked to him, worked with a counselor, done meditation and self-help webinars.
I want to be able to incorporate each other into our lives more. I would like to see us have more time for each other. I want to be not so insecure about where this relationship is or is not going.
Will this relationship survive and how? Will I ever be more of a priority to him?
– Confused in the Mountains
My friend, Melissa Audrey, is a dating and relationship expert who helps women turn their relationship around when it feels like it’s just not working.
She shares her wisdom with you in today’s response to “Ask Melissa!”
Dear Confused in the Mountains,
Thanks so much for writing in and sharing your story.
In my reply, I’ll be discussing these points:
- How men always make time for what they value.
- How continually talking about your needs at this early stage of dating will push him away further.
- Why feeling depressed the day after you see him will only continue to get worse and what to do to curb this.
- Why shifting your vibe by focusing on your life will be the best way to turn this around
You’ve been dating a divorced dad for a little over 3 months and feel that you need to see him more. Since this man recently got 50-50 custody of his kids, you’ve experienced a significant reduction in the amount of times you see each other monthly and you now feel as though you’re not a priority and you’re wondering why.
Here’s is the non-sugar coated truth: Men, even the busiest men who are CEOs, can make the time for what they value outside of work. If this man isn’t seeing you more, it’s because he doesn’t want to. When a man really wants to see a woman, absolutely nothing will stop him.
You mentioned that he has 50-50 custody of his kids. Assuming that he has a full-time job, that means that he definitely has some free time when he’s not with his kids.
You wrote that he hasn’t been available on weekends since he’s gotten 50-50 custody. He’s definitely spending his time doing stuff on the weekends when he doesn’t have his kids.
You have full custody of your kids yet you have been able to make time to see him. If you’re able to make this time despite having full-time custody, then he should also be able to make time.
The math doesn’t add up!
It’s common for men to stop spending as much time with a woman at around the 3-month mark because that’s when things start to get real. Most men know by that time whether the woman is a keeper or just a placeholder.
You mentioned talking to him about your need for more time together. Sadly, this hasn’t resulted in any change. Women are great at talking and expressing. If this worked in love and relationships, most relationships would be in top shape.
Telling a man that what he’s giving us isn’t enough, doesn’t endear him to us because it makes him wrong. It tells him he’s not pleasing us and that he’s not winning. A man has a strong desire to win in his daily life.
When a man is with a woman, he wants to feel good in her presence. He wants to feel elevated and that his life increases in quality when he’s in her company.
A dating man doesn’t want to feel obligated or duty bound to a woman. He has enough obligations with work and family.
I’m not saying that your needs don’t matter because they do. You are or should be the most important person in your life.
The great news is that it is possible to stop enduring this situation and completely turn it around to get the love and attention you desire.
I would never suggest that you change the core of who you are or change your essence. Not at all. I’m suggesting that you change your approach.
My first suggestion is that you cease all “relationship talk” unless the man brings it up. This means no hinting, no inferring, and no suggesting that your needs aren’t being met.
That alone will lighten up the energy in the time you spend together. Right now, focus on being present when you’re with him, focus on what feels good and drop your expectations.
You wrote about feeling depressed the day after seeing him. I feel your pain. I really do because I’ve been there and I know how yucky it feels.
I know from personal experience and from working with other women, that this depressed feeling gets worse as time goes by.
But it doesn’t have to be this way!
Fire up the action taker inside of you and use it to change your personal energy and dissipate the depressing aura.
You can do this by focusing on your own life and making it full and juicy independently of what the man in your life is doing.
What are your interests? What have you always wanted to do? Is there a hobby or passion project that you want to start? Is there an old hobby that you used to have but you let go of but it still interests you?
By reviving old interests or starting new ones, you can marvelously shift your vibe. This is a win on two levels.
First, igniting your inner action taker and focusing on something about your interests will help shift your focus from the man onto yourself.
This will make you feel good and make you feel like you’re winning.
Second, this will also help you create or increase attraction with this man or other men. Healthy men love women who are happy and are passionate about their interests.
They love women who are leading full and meaningful lives separate from the relationship. Men like to feel that they’re not responsible for making you happy. It makes them feel free and they’re drawn to the glow you have when you’re happy doing your own thing.
My last suggestion is that you find a coach to work with who can teach you to use your innate feminine powers to attract men effortlessly and how to express your needs using feminine communication principles. These principles are magical for asking for what you desire in a non-pushy, grabby and demanding way.
For more tools about how to attract high-caliber men and be chased by them OR to revive your current man, wake him up and bring him back to life, download my beautiful free guide called “Be Loved Like A Goddess: 7 Steps To Captivate Him and Be Irresistible…” You’ll be glad that you did!
Melissa Audrey is a Certified Love and Relationship coach who helps women empower themselves by teaching them love skills, vibe-shifting mindset work, feminine energy embodiment, and goddess scripts.
Her other credential is her own 18-year fairytale relationship which she completely turned around from “death” at the 15-year mark without asking her man to work on it with her.
After marrying her man just months before their 16 year anniversary, Melissa knew that she had to help women all over the world have amazing love lives with great men.
After working with Melissa, her clients are ready to attract their new high-caliber man, revamp the romance with the man they already love, get the devotion and commitment they desire and create earth-shattering romance by doing less so that they can be loved like a goddess every day. Download her free guide on how to be loved like a goddess.
How to Bring Him Closer and Turn Your Relationship Around
Craving reassurance from him? Or obsessing over your relationship?
Two things may be happening.
You may have an anxious attachment style.
And/or you may be in an anxious-avoidant relationship.
Are any of these issues below coming up for you right now?
- Getting mixed messages or confusing signals about his feelings and/or his commitment toward you (and you’re left feeling rejected)
- Unsure where you stand in the relationship, and it leaves you feeling insecure
- Craving reassurance from him about the relationship, at the same time worrying about whether you’re being “too needy,” clingy, or sensitive
- Your relationship feels like an emotional roller coaster…. he’s super romantic and connected at times, but it feels short-lived
- You feel like this dynamic seems to happen over and over again in your relationships with men
If any of these issues are coming up for you, you may be in what’s called a “pursuer-distancer dance” or an “anxious-avoidant relationship.”
It’s basically the situation where you’re trying to get closer to him (make progress in your relationship), but (on some level), he seems to be resisting that closeness/commitment, or the relationship feels stalled.
And so, it leaves you feeling insecure and unsure where you stand with him.
Or…if you’re with a guy who’s really there for you, but you still find yourself obsessing and worrying, you may have an anxious attachment style and your insecurities are unconsciously pushing him away.
I’m hearing from some clients and readers that they need more support in this area.
So I’m hosting a free webinar in a few days where I’ll show you how to identify and finally free yourself from anxious attachment or heal an “anxious-avoidant relationship” so you can have the fulfilling committed relationship you really want.
JOIN MY FREE WEBINAR
The 3 Keys to Healing Anxious Attachment
How to Finally End the Worry, Confusion, and Insecurity and Have a Healthy, Loving, Committed Relationship That Lasts
Thursday, October 21, 3PM PT / 6PM ET
- The two reasons why he pulls away, acts distant, or sends mixed messages, and how to get clarity and find out his true intentions
- Four steps to knowing when to give him a chance or call it quits—so you can avoid wasting your precious time in a potentially dead-end relationship
- Why smart, strong women like you, who’ve been doing the “inner work” for a while, can still get trapped in the pursuer-distancer cycle and how to stop the emotional rollercoaster for good
- The 3 biggest misconceptions about love and attachment keeping you stuck in this painful cycle, and what to focus on instead
- The simplest way to bring your avoidant man closer and turn your relationship around and how to attract a man who is ready for commitment and eager to meet your needs
👇👇👇 REGISTER TO SAVE YOUR SPOT NOW 👇👇👇
How to Decide if He’s Right for You
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴