Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via Ask Melissa!) who’s concerned that her boyfriend still keeps his wedding band, among other items from his previous relationship. In my response, I provide guidance on how to approach this concern, including some reasons why he might be keeping the stuff, what you need to look out for if you’re concerned he’s not over his ex-wife, and specific steps you can take to help overcome feeling insecure.
Dear Melissa,
The man I’m with got divorced 15 years ago, was only married for six years but he still keeps his wedding band in a drawer. I’ve been dating him almost two years and I live with him now. His ex and kids live 3000 miles away. I think he still is not over ex. He tells me he loves me. We dated when we were younger and we have a lot of history. We have a good thing but he is so attentive to his ex.
I’m divorced, too, also with teenagers but they live with my ex for financial reasons. How can I get over it thinking about this? He tells me every day that he loves me. Sometimes I believe him, sometimes not. There’s also a lot of stuff in our apartment from his marriage, but he also very cheap.
I spoke with him about my concerns. He tells me I’m the most important thing beside his teen kids. He tells me there is nothing there, she’s just the mother of my kids. He said he does not know how to change my mind about how I feel about the wedding band. He said it is no big deal. But it bothers me a little.
I don’t know what to do. He’s a great guy, big heart. He might be too sensitive at times or maybe he feels bad for his ex I don’t know. I don’t want to lose him, but will go if I have to.
–Confused in Bethpage
Dear Confused in Bethpage,
I had that panicked conversation in my mind for probably DAYS before I got to courage to ask him about it.
And it turned out that he just wanted to keep it to eventually give to his daughters (his daughters were very young at the time).
I could understand that.
A relic from his marriage…of which his daughters were a direct result.
He assured me he wasn’t keeping it out of sentiment or pining for the past.
He assured me that he loved me, and wanted to be with me, and not to worry.
I had spent so much emotional and mental energy.
I felt silly being so anxious for so long.
All that to say…there might be a reason WHY he may be keeping the wedding ring and other things, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he still holds a torch for her.
So, before you spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on this issue, there are a few things that I recommend to help you get to the bottom of why it’s happening and overcome it:
Ask Him Why He Still Keeps It
You might find that it’s a totally benign reason.
Maybe he’s trying to find the right buyer.
Or maybe he’s keeping other items purely for their utility.
I had client who was very concerned that her boyfriend was still keeping his ex-wife’s laptop.
She considered leaving him.
But her boyfriend assured her that he’s just keeping it because it’s still a perfectly good, working computer.
He’s not keeping it because it was hers.
As you mentioned, your boyfriend “is cheap,” so maybe he is keeping some of his ex-wife’s things simply for their utility and doesn’t feel it makes financial sense to buy new ones.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not over his ex-wife.
I look for other things, such as a consistent pattern of emotional preoccupation with his ex or his failed marriage, to really discern if someone is still stuck in the past and not over their previous relationship.
Whatever he’s reasons are for keeping the items, simply ask him to find out—for your own peace of mind and for the health of your relationship.
Check Your Own Baggage
Whenever you experience an issue in your relationship, it’s because there’s a need or requirement that’s not being met for you.
Which is why it’s important to become deeply aware of why this is an issue for you.
You mentioned that he’s attentive to his ex.
Maybe you’re feeling insure because you’re not feeling like a priority in the relationship?
The key is for you to examine: What thoughts are coming up for you?
He still has some of his ex’s stuff.
And it’s triggering some serious feelings within you.
You’re feeling threatened and insecure.
And, this is an important one to explore: how real is the threat?
And what is underlying your sense of insecurity?
You have beliefs about these objects in his house and about what those objects mean.
Are those beliefs TRUE?
I encourage you to examine your beliefs and also investigate how true those beliefs are.
I have a free audio on “Dealing with Baggage” that you might find helpful.
Request Reassurance
If you’re feeling insecure, it’s ok to ask for reassurance.
Voicing your needs and being heard is your right in a healthy, supportive relationship.
If he balks, gets defensive, or accuses you of being “too sensitive,” your relationship might have other issues that need to be addressed.
Think about what you need from him in order to feel more secure in your relationship (after you examine your beliefs about what those items mean and become deeply aware of the source of your insecurity).
How do you want that to show up in your relationship?
For example, maybe you need more assuring hugs and kisses from him.
Or you might feel you need more time to connect with him, if even by phone.
What could he do to provide you more reassurance so you feel more secure?
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
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Thank you so much great article. Now my live in boyfriend hides the fact his ex wife textes every other day tells me no have not heard from her my question is why does he lie to me in past he always told me not anymore and it hurts and makes me more insurcure I looked on his phone I know I shouldn’t but had a strong feeling he did and was right why is it because at times it bothers me and it is hardly ever about their teen age children does he have a relationship and not telling she did a number on him and he is so nice why
Hi Molly, Thank you so much! I’m so glad the article resonated with you. Yes, if he’s hiding the fact the he is still texting is ex, I would consider that a red flag. It’s not unusual that exes remain friends after a divorce. My husband and his ex talk sometimes and it’s not always about the kids…sometimes it’s about work or their parents or other important areas of their life. I realize that they were friends and married for many years; they have a history together. But if he were to hide his correspondence…like actively conceal it…I would wonder why. You’re not wrong for feeling insecure about that if he lies…because the lying undermines your trust in him.
Best,
Melissa
Yes your answer help me but other thing him and his wife were only married a short time he does not like to be confrontational so that why I’m thinking he is hiding his text he will be retiring and he wants me to move with him where his kids live and ex I will not go cause he can’t even tell me they are friends also it’s never him that text her it is always her but he won’t back away a little do you think that’s asking to much or am I being unreadable I know she wants his attention he thinks it’s leaning on him I think it’s very weird at times considering she cheated and supposedly treated him meanly so why do they have such a friendship me and him have twenty five years ago history I quest I miss my chance he will be going to son graduation in may I don’t know how or what about handling that situation cause all the contact that he lies about I lost the trust I know he is trying to protect me and also himself from hurting me but sometime I wish he would admit that they are close and maybe I would be able to understand his relationships I tried to get him to be honest he is a very big hearted man a little sap at times he tells me she is only the mother of my kids but I see what it like and it seems more
Hi Molly, I’m glad that the answer help provide some guidance. I think telling him how you feel about him hiding the fact that he is still texting her is Fair. His lying undermines the intimacy with in your relationship. And it makes you feel insecure. So talking to him about it is not unreasonable. It’s up to him to take the steps to stop lying. And if he doesn’t, it sounds like the issues in your relationship will continue. I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Thank you Melissa your answer helped me but I have spoke to him about it he won’t give in about it cause then he would be lying and then he knows that I would never trust him again maybe I should have a cry which I am a very strong girl I can’t try but living with him has been great other than his ex texting which his friend told me he’s friend with her cause she has no one very sad but I don’t feel bad for her I was going to friend her on Facebook I don’t know if that’s a good idea just to so I’m more mature and except I don’t want to cause I think it’s weird that he close to her when she screwed his life over moved 3000 miles away with his kids he is a passive laid back man heart of gold but this to me is not right to act like she never textes him but I will try to talk to him about it I won’t get anywhere only if I cry so bad that would get to him wish me luck
Hi Melissa I took your advice and spoke to him about lying to me about ex always texting he said he was very sorry for hurting me and he won’t do it again I don’t know if I trust him and I told him that I won’t be trusting him for a while he tells me his ex has no one to vent or talk I believe that so he lets her lean on him she has a boyfriend I don’t know if she confine in him my boyfriend has been telling her to make some friends it’s very sad or weird she has no one I might go to his sons graduation I don’t know if I’m ready to meet her she very mananlipertiv I don’t know if I have the strength to deal with her I should go right show her that we are serious maybe she would not text as much I think maybe more she does not like he lives with me her boyfriend of seven years won’t move in he’s been divorced for thirteen years so this is going on for that amount of time so I know it will never change
Hi Melissa my question is my bf does everything for his ex wife they have been divorced fourteen years now I just found out he pays for her health insurance we got a phone call last week telling him he needs any assistance they will give him I said is that about your ex wife he lied to me and told me she has her own health insurance then he got some tax form in mail about his health insurance and told me the accounted needed to know he has health insurance so when he went to work I looked and his ex and kids name on insurance so he lied to me again I live with him tells me I’m the most important person plus his kids how do I confront him I know I should not be looking at his stuff but I had a big feeling he was lying and once again I caught him I know a lot of stuff is none of my business but why more lying he knows that all her texting and calling never about the kids sometime bothers me I always thought a ex is a ex not always be there for her and she knows she’s got him by u know what and takes full advantage of it I just don’t know which way to go to me he is still her husband legally divorced
You’re so welcome! Yes, it sounds like he still has some healing to do in terms of letting go of his previous relationship. Even though she did him wrong, he may still feel some attachment. He needs to do the inner work to overcome that. Then we will be ready for a relationship.
I hear you. That’s great that you talked to him about how you felt. That takes courage. I would also encourage you to take a look at what about his interaction with his ex upsets you? Does it upset you that he is friends with his ex? Or you are more upset about the lying? Or both? what part about this situation upsets you? Because getting clear on why it upsets you will help you find an appropriate solution for overcoming it.
I hear you! If he is lying about his involvement with his ex, that is a huge red flag. That undermines trust in your relationship. And you can’t have a healthy relationship with deep intimacy if you can’t trust him.