Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via Ask Melissa!) about what to do when you feel like you’re always second to his ex and his kids in your relationship and whether you’re being impatient. In my response, I provide guidance on how to approach this question, key indicators for long-term relationship success, and steps you can take to stop feeling second in your relationship.
Dear Melissa,
My guy is getting divorced. He still lives in the same house as his soon-to-be ex. They have worked everything out: who’s having the kids when and she is waiting for her house sale to go through before she moves out.
She still wants to do family stuff (they have two young kids under 10 years old) together and he obliges – he says “to keep things amicable.” The negotiations have all been relatively amicable so far, but they are not final.
In the midst of this, our time is limited which on one hand is great as we are not rushing in. We manage two evenings a week and perhaps a lunch date.
She doesn’t know about me, and we discussed that it’s easier until the divorce is final. Basically he wants her to sign on the dotted line first before everything gets out in the open. She was the one who ended things (she was having an affair, but not sure if she still is).
Although we go out in town, it’s likely she may have heard about me. We get on amazingly well, talk about our future, seem to want the same things, share the same values in a relationship, have open and honest conversations.
Am I being impatient? I just want our relationship to be more normal to really find out if we have a chance to make it work. But I hate waiting.
I was healing from a previous long term relationship when we met, but was feeling happy.
I love my life and have an active social life that doesn’t include him, as well as my own kids. They have met him and are happy with the situation. I’m ready to move the relationship on, spend more time together, but it could be three to four months before we can do that (we’ve been dating five months now).
I don’t know what the dynamic with his ex is going to be once they are separate, so I can’t assess the situation yet.
Any advice?
-Always Worrying
Dear Always Worrying,
Thank you for reaching out. I feel your concern.
You bring up a few questions:
Am I being impatient?
Is this relationship going to work out? Is this worth it?
And you’re tired of feeling second in the relationship and concerned that he might not be over his ex-wife.
Are You Being Impatient in Your Relationship?
I know it can be really hard when you’re frustrated with the pace of your relationship.
I’ve felt that sense of frustration and impatience when my boyfriend at the time (now husband) was finalizing his divorce.
I wanted to have a “normal” relationship…the kind where I could spend time with him and his kids, or call him while he’s visiting his mom without him having to let my call go to voicemail.
I totally feel you. It’s like relationship limbo when you’re dating a divorcing man.
But here’s the question to consider about impatience: Impatient according to whom?
Who is the judge?
Your significant other might say you’re impatient or you might feel you’re being impatient.
But at the end of the day, you get to decide how long you want to wait.
You get decide whether or not he is worth the wait.
It really depends on your needs, wants and relationship requirements and whether those needs are being met.
Our sense of happiness in a relationship is directly related to whether our needs and relationship requirements are being met in the relationship.
And because he is not yet divorced, he is probably not 100% available to meet some of those needs and relationship requirements because he is still working on dissolving his marriage, and divorce has its own timeline.
But you get to decide how long you want to wait.
What would make waiting worth it to you?
What would not make it NOT worth it to you?
Find the line between those two scenarios and see where you are at.
I wrote an article on whether you should wait for him to finalize his divorce that you might find helpful.
How Long to Wait Until Your Relationship Is “Normal”
It may take some time after the divorce for the relationship to “normalize.”
There is no given length of time out there for how long it takes someone to get over a divorce. It really depends on a lot of factors.
According to psychologist Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W:
“How long it takes to “recover” from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long [they] were together, how good the relationship was and how committed [they] were to [each other], whether the divorce was a surprise to [one spouse] or not, whether [they] have children together, whether [they] are involved in a new relationship, [their] personalities, [their] ages, [their] socio-economic status and on and on.”
In general, post-divorce recovery can take a year or longer for him to really make the transitions and adjustments to being a single dad and healing from the dissolution of his marriage.
Will This Relationship Work out for You?
I go into this more in my article Is This Relationship Going to Work Out? and Is this Relationship Worth it?
Basically, the biggest indicators of long-term relationship success are whether you’re aligned in your vision, needs and relationship requirements.
When You Feel “Second” in the Relationship
Feeling “second” to his kids and his ex is a common feeling among women who are dating a recently divorced man or a single dad. You’re not alone if you’ve experienced this.
Maybe your date night plans get cut short because he drops everything to respond to his ex’s demands.
Or maybe you’re unhappy about the how often he attends to his kids at the expense of quality time with you.
I feel you.
It’s hard when it feels like you’re not just dealing with him, but you’re also contending with his ex-wife and his kids.
How to Stop Feeling Second to His Kids and His Ex
Whenever we experience relationship issues—like feeling as though our partner isn’t prioritizing our relationship—it points to a relationship need or requirement that we have that’s not being met.
Needs are the things that need to happen in our relationship in order for us to feel loved and in order for the relationship to work for us.
relationship requirements are our non-negotiables—what we absolutely require in a relationship (or the relationship will not work).
The difference between needs and relationship requirements are that needs are negotiable (there are different ways to meet a need), whereas relationship requirements are non-negotiable, they’re black and white.
Here are some approaches you can take:
Understand What’s Going On
You Have Needs
When you feel like you’re second to his ex and his kids, there is a need or requirement that you have that is not getting met.
So I would encourage you to take a look at what is going on in your relationship when you feel like you’re being treated second.
Get really clear on: What need isn’t being met?
And is there a way that you could negotiate with him to meet that need?
His Kids Have Needs
The reality is, if he’s a single dad, his kids have defined needs that cannot be compromised. And it’s his role as a parent to fulfill those needs.
But often, the biological parent and significant other (you, as his girlfriend) have strong differences of opinion on what constitutes the needs of his kids and how those needs get met.
But, as Yvonne Kelly says in her Step-Dating Report at the Step and Blended Family Institute:
“…a guilt-ridden bio parent may insist on meeting all of the ‘wants’ or preferences of the child under the guise of meeting their needs, at the expense of meeting any of his/her own needs or the needs of the couple.
Or, on the flip side of that, a childless step dating partner or stepparent, may not be able to fully appreciate the scope of needs that the child has and may choose to see the biological parent as indulgent and overprotective at the cost of meeting the couple’s needs.”
While the true needs of his kids must come first and it’s his job as a parent to make sure those needs are met, the reality is that a relationship will not last if your needs continue to go unmet, especially the need to have time together as a couple.
If needs go unmet in a relationship (for anyone in the relationship), resentment will build and undermine your sense of connection to each other.
His Relationship with His Ex Has Needs
If he is going through a divorce, he has issues that he has to resolve with regard to the dissolution of his marriage (such as issues with regard to their estate, finances or kids) and that could be interfering with his readiness for a new relationship.
While he is in the midst of a divorce, he might not be physically or emotionally available to meet your needs because his priority may be to finalize his divorce.
Or, if he is already divorced and co-parenting with his ex, there may be instances where he needs to spend time with, communicate with and/or collaborate with his ex in order to successfully co-parent their kids.
Another possibility is, it could be that he still harbors a lot of unresolved feelings for his ex (whether it be anger or affection), in which case he is probably not over his ex.
He Might Have Boundary Issues
If he’s always responding to his kids’ requests out of guilt (rather than their true needs), or responding to his ex’s requests out of fear or guilt, it could be that he struggles with maintaining healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits a person decides on how people can treat them, how they can behave around them, and what they can expect from them.
When people struggle with healthy boundaries, they bend to other people’s wants and demands—other people’s expectations—to the exclusion of their own well-being or the well-being of other important areas of their own life.
In order for him to honor his boundaries, he first needs to get really clear on what he wants (what are his boundaries) and overcome any fear or guilt that are inhibiting healthy relationships.
Communicate Your Concerns
When you get clear on what could be happening in your relationship (what needs aren’t being met) that’s causing you to feel like you’re second, it’s important to communicate your concerns.
If he doesn’t know how you feel, and you don’t tell him how you feel, you don’t give him the opportunity to change his behavior.
When you’re communicating, I encourage you to use “I” and “me” language instead of “you” language.
For example, “it hurt me when…” or “I felt….” because framing it that way is less threatening and lessens the likelihood that other person will get defensive. “You” language can feel like you’re pointing fingers and accusing them. (“You never…”, “You always…”)
When you communicate your concerns in a non-threatening way, you increase the likelihood that your concerns will be truly heard and that the other person will be open to changing his behavior.
Assess Your Needs and Whether They Are Being Met
When you’ve communicated your concerns and made him aware of your needs, and when you’ve negotiated with your partner how those needs could be met in the relationship, it’s fair to give it some time to see if things change in your relationship.
How much time to allow? You get to decide how much time you want to give it.
You always empowered with the option to choose with whom and for how long you’re in a relationship.
It’s sometimes not an easy choice. It’s sometimes really complicated.
But know that you always have that choice.
Adjust Your Expectations…Or Consider Moving On
If you’ve worked out a way where everyone’s needs can be met, that’s great!
But if your needs are continually being unmet, it could be that his circumstances…and the choices he’s making in his life right now…are preventing him from meeting your needs.
If he’s not available or unwilling to meet your needs, (which I know can be really frustrating and heartbreaking) you have some choices to make.
For example, you can adjust your needs and expectations. And you can do that by letting go of some of your needs (temporarily or indefinitely).
The difficult part about letting go of some of your needs is that you might always feel like something is missing or a certain degree of dissatisfaction.
After all, you have those needs for a reason; you have them because they are important to you.
The other option is to consider moving on from the relationship, with the mindset that you’d rather be single than settle.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Dating a Separated Man?
Are the divorce drama and waiting stressing you out? Join my new class starting soon!
Get practical advice and support to know what you’re getting into, successfully navigate the issues, and decide if he’s right for you.
Hurry! Enrollment closes soon!
Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to apply for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
Hi Melissa,
I’m dating a recently divorced that whose divorce is not yet final, in Canada you have to be separated from each other for a year before you can get divorced, in most instances. What I like about your article is that allows the person to feel empowered and you tie it up with the necessity to evaluate if waiting for someone to be ready to recommit is worth doing, because that person has proven to you that they’re worth waiting for. Me and my guy have been dating since August so under 7 months.
I feel that I might be more in love with him than him with me, but the point is that we started at different stages. I have been separated for 6 years, he was just separated since May 2015. Taking it slow is key, I do believe that the second time around, the alignment of vision and values is very important and to me, to find that out takes time. No one that I know goes around with a sign announcing their values.
To me, it seems that the person that asked you the question is rushing… Prudence when feeling the need to rush into things has never been ill advice.
Best of luck with the new Baby, he looks just beautiful….Congrats!
Hi, InLoveinCanada,
Thank you so much! 🙂 Yes, he’s growing bigger every day.
And you’re totally right. Taking it slow is key—especially if either of you have kids because the stakes are even higher. It takes time to “test” your needs and requirements and to figure out whether someone is right for you long term.
Thanks, again!
all the best,
Melissa
[…] you’re feeling second in your relationship, your discontent points to a need that you have that is not being […]
[…] I talk a bit about “I” language in the article When You feel Second to His Ex-Wife. […]
This is the worst page ever. I’m currently separated and just found out my husband is dating. He’s come several nights a week to try and make it work but tells his girlfriend he’s working. He’s begging me to hold on for reconciliation. She told me how he told her that I cheated, that he was waiting for the divorce but I’m stalling. All these lies. He just used her. I would encourage women to stay away from divorcing or separated men until it’s final. Not how to cope. They are still married. And God wouldn’t send you someone else’s husband.
Hi Dana, Thank you so much for your comment. I hear what you’re going through. It’s frustrating and painful…all the lies…and people using other people. I appreciate your perspective. In my articles, the message is that if a man is separated and/or going through a divorce, he’s not ready or available for the kind of relationship that you want—he’s not available to meet their needs because (as you said) he’s going through a lot of transition, trying to figure out what he wants, and may even be trying to reconcile.
What I advocate is for women to be true to themselves and to choose relationships that are aligned with their long-term vision and relationships that allow them to get their needs and requirements met, because those elements are among the keys to relationship success.
I don’t encourage women to stay in relationships that don’t work for them.
I encourage women to get really clear about what they really want, and to be really present to their experience (rather than focused on or attached to a fantasy), so that they can make decisions that will lead them to long-term happiness and relationship success, not more pain.
I hope this helps clarify! Thanks, again, for your comment!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
I am dating a guy going through divorce now. His son has recently spent 2 weeks with his ex and her new boyfriend. The son comes back (they have shared custody) and talks about a new dad. My partner is visibly upset and was hurt. I am unsure why.
Do you have any advice for me to handle this situation?
I have mixed emotions and worry that it’s because he is jealous of the ex Wife having a Boyfriend.
It was his Wife who had an affair and called off the marriage. The New Boyfriend is not the same person whom She had an affair with.
Hi Christina, thanks so much for reaching out. I can see why that might upset your boyfriend. His ex-wife is seeing someone new, but what’s more upsetting to your boyfriend is that his son is treating this new guy or calling this new guy his new Daddy, but your boyfriend is his REAL daddy. So your boyfriend might be feeling some anger at the situation because he’s feeling displaced by this new man in his ex-wife’s life.
As much as you want to help your boyfriend resolve this, this is something that your boyfriend and his ex-wife need to work out on their own. It’s their responsibility as parents to resolve this issue.
But what you can do if you feel moved to is to be a compassionate ear to your boyfriend, empathize with him…while being careful not to get enmeshed in their situation.
I hope this helps provide some guidance!
All the best,
Melissa
Hi Melissa question for you when a guy is divorced for thirteen years and tells me his ex has no one so she leans on him she text often he sometimes lies to me he does not like cofertation at all am I being to controlling that it bothers me his kids are older sixteen and eighteen that ex always texting or calls about her health issue and he said it would change nothing has much I’m not jealous or insurcure I’m fifty three years old is he so attentive with her to me it’s weird at times he says they do not have a relationship but amicable she is the one that ended it they were married only six years he is a very good guy but sometimes he over does it I live with him so I see what goes on am I crazy thinking it’s weird ex always texting and he says that they have no relationship sometimes I should leave to me it seem he never got over his failed marriage he treats me good but I always feel she is his life are ex suppose to be the rest of his life or does it ever wide down
Hi Melissa,
I love your advice. It made me realize that there is more to this than my rules and needs. I wanted him to make plans with me and let me know in advance about weekends but I was getting upset when he left things up in the air because of the kids plans/schedules. I realize that his kids come first and if I want to be with him, I need to show him a grown up patient woman and not a selfish girl. The rules don’t apply to single fathers. I will let him come to me and be more flexible with my time.
Thanks,
Eve
Hi Eve, You’re so welcome! I’m so glad this advice resonates with you and that you’re getting value from it!
Yes! Absolutely! As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
He has a responsibility to his kids AND a responsibility to his relationship. You’re not selfish for having needs. Your needs are your needs. But your ARE responsible for the way that you feel about things. In other words, if something is bothering you in your relationship, it’s your responsibility to make your needs known AND manage your own expectations given the situation.
And you did the right thing by deciding to manage your own expectations and be flexible with your time! I really acknowledge you!
Blessings,
Melissa
Hey,
I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 5 years. But didn’t know he was blended between me and another woman until I met his ex wife two years later.
He cheated on his ex wife with a girl who waited for him for 5 years for him to divorce his wife. And I guess they were ending when we met.
I have BPD, but I was happier and go lucky when we started but slowly my emotional feelings were coming up that he’s trouble. But yet my heart wanted him. We argued badly but got along greatly. It was a pendulum. Then I found out later that he’s divorcing. And he went through the process for US apparently.
Moving in, it became a whole different ball game when it came to his son. Why? Well one I know I inherited this situation and was committed to loving his son like living him. And I was so optimistic to build “our house”.
Slowly that ex wife came around and I shortly befriended her. As him and I had arguments. I felt that he didn’t have boundaries for his son. And his son displayed attitudes and the father hardly corrected. Except for slaps on the wrist. I get it !!! The parenting is different from my morals. But boy I just wanted to establish common respect and mutual boundaries. And open an open communication.
He used my BPD against me. Which triggered more arguments. It Made me so emotional. And the irs like he tried to say I’m jealous. He tried to pin like I was a tyrant.
And then finding all the crap he put his ex wife through. I felt that this was getting wayyy to deep. I just realized I allowed his ex wife into what’s supposed to be our business and our lives. But Him and I argued a lot.
Myself I wanted to argue away from the kid initially but he told me In The beginning “whatever you can say to me you can say to him“. So the kid knows no boundaries. Later on the ex wife got involved and said to stop arguing. But she also taught her son to record our arguments. So she can use it as collateral.
Him and I got into a big argument because I was just splitting I guess. Due to the BS meter that day being too much and I just didn’t want to say goodnight. Or bother with anything. And I know I wasn’t my best. But I was quiet until the father pushed me with not showing his son where the cookies were and ignoring the son when he wanted me to tuck him in. After he was an a$$ to me and the father didn’t care to correct or address the child. We argued so bad. In a month I had a nervous break down and moved out. No worse. My mom is Nuts also. So as I’m trying to rationalize myself . I have to keep tabs with her.
Nearing the end. That ex wife came around more. Boy did I feel like a fool. And he ignores me. As I got BPD emotional. No answers. He stonewalls and it was horrible
My mistake so it seems is that I gave him another chance. We were fine until the truth came relevant. That again no boundaries established with the son and myself and when I did. His ex wife spoke and said it hurt his feelings. Because I would remark “oh yea I know this attitude. It’s teenageism”. And we argued less. Which was once a month. But his ex wife told him. So I asked him “when she tells you to bark you bark right”. I was enraged and all the previous years came back up in me. All the stuff I tried to let go and move on. Like who is she to meddle in our business. So these two talk more than just their son. Obviously!!!
And worse I’m pregnant
What burned me this round is that we were supposed tell his kid. But his ex wife beat me to the punch. This cow out of no where asks my boyfriend “is she fatter or pregnant”. What or who gave her the right to ask him that. Worse off , he confirmed. He never asked for my opinion, nothing. He did this to me with thanksgiving, I thought it was us going to the country place but later on his kid tells me he’s coming up. So I confront him and he’s like “oh yea I meant to tell you btw “ . Man I felt burnt. So I didn’t go. I invited my cousin over and we chilled. The ultimate last two was her telling him about our arguing (once a month now) and the announcing to the son were having. A baby. The witch took no consideration whatsoever. And he tells him “oh my son is a little explorer”. Omg the rage in me for the last two weeks. I think I’m gonna leave. I told him therapist ASAP. Because who the hell wears the pants here! ? I wanted to tel the son wit my boyfriend . Even if he speculating. But that was taken away from me. The selfish people they are. Worst , he absolves himself. “Oh I didn’t know she would tell” . And tries brush it off. He clearly does not know what it meant to me. And that’s the finely straw now. I even asked him “I don’t care if he figured something out, it was our business and not hers. What gave her the right to do that?!” And he tells me “I don’t know ask her”. And I’ve bee text bombing for two weeks because he isn’t listening or having any accountability. And I fear that this is the top for me. I went through enough. Unfortunately I am 4 month pregnant.
Clearly the ex is still here. Even if I live here. This house isn’t a going to be ours. And when I told him things need to change for the sake of my sanity. He recycles what I say “if I lose Jordan I lose everything. My sanity my life .” Great thanks. What am I then to you?
My cousin even asked him “who would you choose the dog or the woman if you had to” he said the dog. I wasn’t there for that transaction. But my cousin told me I shouldn’t have given him a second chance.
If I can advise any one. If he doesn’t make you feel like he’s equal to his son or close enough. He didn’t draw boundaries with the ex and DEFENDs her. Just run away. This is a waste.
I tried my best. I even let so much go. But after seeing this. I don’t want to be Sandwich between the son the dog and the large and in charge ex. If she wants him back she can have him. Because when I put my foot down he ignores me and let’s me go nuts. And when he came to ask Who does she think she is. He just got defensive like usual and tries to prove me stupid. He nitpicks what I said and tears me apart. I know my text bombing isn’t great. But my mom used to throw dishes and scream and insult. With texting I was hoping he’d read and see how I feel. But it’s all in vain.
I’ve let this go for three years. To let him cleanse himself of the divorce guilt. I get it. 3 years. And this cow still talking 25-45 mins at the door way. Like for Pete’s sake un-divorce and get back together then !!!
The reason he told her about the pregnant without seeing if I was okay with it. Is because he didn’t want to lie to her.
Ok well he can have her back I’m 95% sure this is over. Clearly 5 years and 3 living together and I leave and come back didn’t prove to him enough that I love Him.
Because “we’re raising Jordan”. Is the remark I get. “Ok so she can raise him at her house”… and we raise him at ours.
I wasn’t looking to over take any mom roll. I just wanted common bloody respect. I spent time with the son and made dinners and watched the dam YouTube videos. Played with him. But his selfish father now put a wedge in between. That wasn’t there before. And I feel that it’s time to exit. If he cannot teach his son boundaries and basic respect. And as for bro time. I leave them alone together 90% of the time. So I don’t try to take over that. Because it’s his week. So what the hell more can I do?
I’m done. 5 years wasted and now pregnant with a father who takes me for an idiot and his ex wife wear the pants. I’m 35 and he’s 49.
DONT DO IT ! It’s all fluffy in the beginning until you move in. Then to see whose in charge and if he prioritizes your needs.
I have enough of the selfishness and cannot give any more. And I’m about to go.
Two more therapy sessions.
Again I’m not perfect. I learned. But for the BPD. I have zero issues. As long as I’m respected and not burned. Once I’m burned and you don’t see what you did. I kinda get mad. Cause all my life I’ve been burned
I feel stuck. The man I met is probably one of the best I have ever met, yet he’s still married, I didn’t realize he was ,as I was a bit naive when he said he was “seperated”. he only filed for the papers when he was down visiting.
He has 2 kids under 10 with his ex.
I have no previous marriages or kids, no bagagge (except emotional I am sure).
Is it weird to feel like I’ll never have those “firsts”. He’s been through it all and I’ve never even been engaged. I don’t want to feel like “runner up” and always coming in second to his ex and kids. I would never ask him to not be a responsible man, I would not want that of my own husband if I had one. I just feel stuck.