I was excited to share my best advice on Maj Wismann’s blog post featuring “Tips from 62 Famous Relationship Experts” on the “top 3 relationship killers you need to avoid.”
Below is an expanded version of the tips that I provided on her blog.
Having awareness of these things is so important.
These things can sabotage a relationship before it even begins.
Take heed!
Not Being Intentional
There are different types of dating and types of relationships such as recreational dating (dating just for fun and recreation) and committed dating (dating to find a long-term partner).
Both are very different approaches and intentions toward dating.
But if you’re unsure of your intentions when you start dating or when you get into a relationship, for example, if you are dating “just for fun” or just to “see what happens” when what you really want is to find a long-term committed partner, you’re not going to attract a long-term committed partner if you’re putting yourself out there as “just for fun.”
Intention matters a lot in terms of attracting and having the kind of relationship that you really want.
Not Being Aware of Your Readiness for a Relationship
Wanting a relationship is not the same as being ready for one.
Being ready for a relationship means taking a look at all the important areas of your life and seeing if there’s anything there—whether it’s your finances, your relationship with your family or your ex, your marital status, etc.—that can interfere with the success of your new relationship.
Usually that means: are you able to be emotionally and physically available for a relationship?
For example, are you able to go out on dates and spend quality time with your significant other or are you too busy with work?
Are you able to be emotionally present to your relationship or are you always thinking about your ex or lamenting your previous relationship?
However, notice I said being aware of your readiness instead of saying “being ready.”
Readiness can mean different things to different people.
For example, if your significant other is a medical resident or just got a new job, their job responsibilities might make it difficult to plan frequent date nights.
Relationship readiness is not necessarily about being 100% ready.
There are times in every relationship where one or the other can’t always be there (for example, my husband was working on getting his Master’s degree a few years ago and had to spend every other weekend in Sacramento, 100 miles away).
You and your significant other might be at varying levels of readiness but what’s important is whether your needs or relationship requirements are being met.
Are you happy in the relationship? Is the relationship working for you?
Not Knowing Your Needs and relationship requirements
Needs are the things that we need to have happen in a relationship in order for the relationship to work for us.
What do you need in order to feel loved?
What do you need in order for the relationship to function?
And relationship requirements are the things that we require in order for a relationship to work; these are the non-negotiables.
What are your dealbreakers when it comes to relationships? Cheating? Addictions?
Each person has their own criteria.
It’s important to be clear about your own needs and relationship requirements because that awareness helps you be intentional in your relationships and helps you stand up for your needs and relationship requirements.
Not Managing Your Baggage
We all have a past.
Having baggage isn’t a bad thing; we all have baggage. We all have things in our life that that trigger our fears and insecurities.
Sometimes those fears can sabotage our relationship if we don’t know how to manage them.
But it’s not about getting rid of fear or getting rid of baggage.
Managing your baggage means being aware of what your triggers are and doing the inner work necessary to not let them interfere with the success of your relationship.
Not Having a Shared Vision
Everyone, whether they are conscious of it or not, has a vision for the kind of life and relationship that they really want.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s important that you and your partner not only support each other’s vision, but also that you have a shared vision for the kind of future that you want together.
It’s also important that you regularly check in on how to work together on achieving that vision.
Having a shared vision, a shared path, helps ensure that you are growing together rather than growing apart.
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