Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via Ask Melissa!) about what to do when you’re deeply involved with someone, maybe even in love with them, but it’s become apparent that they’re not over their ex. In my response, I provide guidance on how to approach this question when you’re already involved with him, including the signs that he’s not over his ex, why it hurts so much and three things you can do to deal with this situation and avoid getting hurt again.
Dear Melissa,
I’m currently seeing someone who’s legally separated from his ex-wife, and the divorce will be finalized in a few months. Despite meeting his four children, sister, cousin, aunt, and father, he still loves her, because the marriage lasted for almost twenty years. I’m aware that he’s having a difficult time coming to terms with the divorce proceedings. Based on my observations, he’s determined to move forward and continue to co-parent with his ex-wife.
I went through a similar situation six years ago with someone who was legally separated from his wife. We weren’t intimate but were talking to each other on a regular basis. Both he and his wife decided to get back together and focus on their marriage. Although I was getting to know him, what he did hurt me so bad that I felt I wasn’t worthy of being with someone special.
The man I’m currently seeing talked about wanting his family back together. His comment not only stung, but it hurt my feelings because of what we’ve shared. We went out on several different occasions, held hands, kissed and have been intimate. I was so upset that I couldn’t continue the conversation and cried. He didn’t like how he hurt me and apologized. He said that he wanted to avoid stringing me along when he has already been honest about his motives from the beginning.
I asked if he was interested in getting back together with his ex-wife, but he mentioned that he wasn’t going to be happy being with her. She’s in a relationship with someone else and wants to enjoy the single life.
I want the both of us to be happy, whether we’re together as a couple or not. We both deserve better. Ever since my mom passed away six months ago, he was very supportive and made himself emotionally available whenever I needed to talk or have a shoulder to cry on. I was his sounding board whenever he needed to vent about anything that was going on in his life.
-Stuck Like Glue
Dear Alias,
Thanks so much for reaching out and for sharing your story. I hear you. I’m sorry this has been so painful. And I can completely understand why.
Sign’s He’s Not Over His Ex
You detail several signs that he’s not over his ex.
Even though he is legally separated, he hasn’t completely let go of his previous relationship because he still holds the desire to “get his family back together,” even if he feels it’s not realistic desire.
And he didn’t say no when you asked if he was interested in getting back with his ex.
He rationalized not getting back together with her by saying that he’s not going to be happy with her and that she’s dating someone else.
But he didn’t affirm that he doesn’t want to.
It’s clear that he’s not over the end of his previous relationship because he’s still holding a torch in his heart for his marriage, even if he knows, intellectually, that it’s highly unlikely that they will get back together.
And even though he might know in his mind that he and his ex aren’t getting back together, what’s important to pay attention to is where his heart is right now, because if he is still holding on to the past – if even a little bit – then he isn’t yet ready for a new relationship.
Because how can he deepen his emotional involvement with you, and nurture and grow your relationship together, if he is still emotionally involved with someone else?
Even though he’s separated, nothing is really over until it’s over in his heart.
Why It Hurts That He’s Not Over His Ex
You’ve gotten deeply involved, shared experiences, slept together, and formed an intense connection. But he’s not fully emotionally available for a relationship with you.
And it’s painful because you’ve already formed a connection, and you want to deepen that connection, but he isn’t available to go further with you because his heart is still dealing with the end of his marriage.
While he “made himself emotionally available whenever [you] needed to talk or have a shoulder to cry on” when your mother passed away, I get the sense (from how much you said it hurt you when he said that he wanted to get his family back together) that you don’t just want a “shoulder to cry on” but you ultimately want a relationship where he is there for you consistently and committed to you.
What to Do When He’s Involved with You but He’s Not Over His Ex
So, if he’s not fully emotionally available and you try to have a relationship with him, you’ll only set yourself up for heartbreak.
Because trying to have a relationship with someone who isn’t available means that you won’t get your needs met.
And if you’re not getting your needs met, then you’ll start to build resentment.
And you’ll start to feel used, if you don’t already feel that way, because he’ll be getting the benefits of your comfort, attention, and availability, but you won’t be getting those same benefits, at least not consistently or with the assurance that he is ready, available and interested in a relationship with you.
Step Back Until He’s over His Previous Relationship
This means avoid getting more romantically involved. Avoid going on dates. Avoid sleeping together.
The more emotionally and romantically involved you get with someone who isn’t fully emotionally available or ready for a new relationship with you, the more painful it will be for you when your needs don’t get met.
You’ll feel shortchanged in the relationship and it will build resentment between the two of you.
Feel free to stay in touch (if you feel you can do that and enforce boundaries), but don’t date until he is really ready to give you the kind of relationship that you want and deserve.
And in the meantime…
Focus on You
Reconnect with your girlfriends. Turn to activities that fill you with peace and meaning.
Maybe that’s meditation or yoga or gardening or travel or work that’s deeply meaningful to you.
Think about the dream that you have for the kind of life that you want and focus on activities that help you create that dream.
Get Clear on Your Needs and relationship requirements
Often when we get deeply involved with someone very quickly and we end up getting hurt, chances are we probably overlooked some red flags.
But you can avoid all that when you’re very conscious of your relationship needs and relationship requirements, and when you honor those needs and relationship requirements with strong boundaries.
And being highly conscious of your needs and relationship requirements will also help you when you do reconnect because then you can see if you want to go into deeper levels of involvement with him.
With a deep awareness of your needs and relationship requirements, you’ll then be better able to see if he can meet your needs and relationship requirements before you go into deeper levels of involvement with him.
When You’re Afraid to Step Back
We can be afraid to step back, but when you try to have a relationship with someone who is not ready, or not available or not entirely sure what he wants, you’re at very high risk of getting hurt over and over again.
And why put yourself through that?
Your happiness matters. Your needs matter.
When we are afraid of stepping back, we are usually afraid of losing the other person.
But can you really lose someone who was never fully “yours” in the first place?
The connection you made with each other is really special and meaningful to you.
If he feels the same way and wants to preserve and deepen that connection, he would do whatever he needs to do to heal and take care of whatever loose ends that he needs to take care of so that he CAN be available for a relationship with you.
Whatever the issues are in your relationship, if you find yourself agonizing over questions like…
Is this relationship worth it??
Should I give him a chance or walk away??
I totally get you. I felt the same way when I was dating, which is why I created a free guide to help you get clarity.
In my free guide you’ll discover:
- 30 questions to ask yourself to help you decide if you should give him a chance or if you’re wasting your time
- 22 red flags you should be aware of if you want to avoid heartbreak and painful surprises
- How to assess your compatibility with your partner to know if your relationship has long-term potential
Want to avoid wasting your precious time? I hear you! Download my free guide Should You Stay or Go? Relationship Choice Assessment ↴
Heal Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If anxious attachment has been a problem for you in your romantic relationships and you want to feel confident and secure (and make conscious relationship decisions) so that you can have a deeply fulfilling life and love, I can help.
I invite you to sign-up for a free Anxious to Secure Breakthrough Visioning & Strategy Session.
This session is for those who feel ready to do deeper work on this and are considering working together to overcome painful relationship patterns so that they can free themselves anxious attachment, have fulfilling love, and live an authentic Soul-led life.❤️
Hello Melissa:
I want to thank you for answering my question regarding my situation, so I want to give you an update.
Things got worse between the both of us. According to what he told me, his ex-wife was thinking about dumping her current boyfriend because she wasn’t happy. To add more salt to an open wound, he told me that he isn’t ready to be in a relationship since he doesn’t have anything to offer to me right now. He hurt me so badly that I cried for days, and the pain is still raw.
He picked me up from work, so we can talk. I wanted to know why he introduced me to his four children and his family. He felt that he was ready to move on with his life, and wanted something more. In my honest opinion, this is where he screwed up. If things weren’t getting serious between the two of us, he had NO BUSINESS introducing me to his family. He apologized for leading me on and gave me his blessing to find someone better than him. I admit that we were both moving at a tenacious speed, but I wish he could have stated his intentions from the beginning so I could have avoided getting involved. It hurt him that he hurt me.
We’re friends, but things will never be the same again. I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that there’s no future for the both of us, since he has made it painfully clear. I now have major trust issues with men, and his actions planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I’m forever haunted by what he did me, so it’s best that I should remain single permanently. I don’t trust anyone.
I apologize for my negative attitude, Melissa, but I need to be honest. I do thank you for answering my question.
*By what he did to me. My apologies.
You’re so welcome. Thank you for the update. I feel you. I’m really sorry you are going through this right now. No need to apologize for how you are feeling right now. How you feel is how you feel. I know this is hard. I encourage you to do some free writing about this in your journal. Just start writing about what is top of mind for you. Get it all out there on the page. And take care of yourself. Really do what you need to do to care for yourself and heal. Start there. Don’t even think about dating right now. Take a step back from dating to focus on YOU….meaning focus on healing and getting back to a place where you feel empowered and at peace. And then once you’re feeling stronger, then move on to the next phase. 🙂
Wishing you love and healing,
Melissa
Hi Melissa thank you for the advice my boyfriend has been divorced for thirteen years went on vacation with her and the kids they were very young when they divorced so he keeper like a some what normal family life for the kids I quest I’m he is great with me but I still think he is hung up he knows I don’t want to hear his story about her maybe I’m being insentive about it but kids are older eighteen and sixteen he said he is amicable with her I’m going to his sons graduation in may they live out of state so I will be meeting ex wife he wants me to go cause I don’t trust him he has lied to me about her texting but now he hides it which really bugs me I know I have made him do it I live with him I believe he loves me but I just gut feeling he is hung up on her all theses years he is committ to me and also her I just don’t understand the whole thing when she is so selfish and manlipertive he is so generous and attentive to all her needs who knows what she will try to do to us if I go there I have a very low self esteem right now I was very happy with him when we were dating now living with him I’m still a little happy I have my days He use to tell me all the time about ex texting now he hides it and drive me crazy I just don’t know what to do he thought he was going to be alone the rest of his life but now you live with someone shouldn’t there be bounty’s with ex or step back a little she always had a boyfriend so I don’t get it I try not to be crazy about this but his lies are ruin our relationship he don’t get it he said loves me to death but has to keep a close relationship with ex
I have been with this guy for about & months and he hasn’t been able to talk to me about his deep feelings about his ex. They have been broken up for over a year and things didn’t end well. We were listening to a song a while ago and it seemed to remind him of her and I asked what he was feeling and he said he didn’t want to talk about it, but he never wants to talk about it. I don’t know how I should feel this is my first serious relationship and he says he lives and stuff but I feel sad because he can’t even talk to me about his emotions regarding her. What should I do? Or am I just being extra.
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for the article with some guidelines but I really do need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, living together for 3 months. He has been divorced for 6 years albeit they tried again a year post divorce. He messed around which was the cause for the divorce. They have 2 daughters together as well as being business partners so there will always be contact. The concerning part is we do fight a lot and recently he told me if we had to break up he will do everything to pursue and get her back. I have subsequently also heard from couple of people how he told them he carries a lot of regret about losing her. I sense there are a lot more feelings still involved and I am concerned over commitment with him which may lead to a breakup in the long run. We are at a cross-roads in our relationship and he has booked a trip to her and the kids to get a break and give us space. My biggest concern remain – I make the decision to stay with him but that will be short lived until she is available (she is currently also in a relationship). Why the concern? He is doing things such as stalking her and the boyfriend on Facebook. To me that indicates something, or am I wrong?