What’s the difference between accepting healthy uncertainty in relationships versus tolerating mixed signals and dysfunction?

Today’s Ask Melissa Question: What’s the difference between “accepting uncertainty as a natural part of dating and relationships” versus subjecting yourself to dysfunctional relationship dynamics like remaining involved with someone who sends mixed signals?

This is a great question. And it reminds me of when I was helping a client debrief a dating experience where she thought she had a lovely conversation on the phone with someone she had been corresponding with online but there was zero follow-up or communication from the guy after their conversation. She wondered if she should reach out to him.

Strategy aside, it made me think about the inherent uncertainty in the dating journey and in relationships, and how do we really discern between knowing if we’re feeling some anxiety about the natural uncertainty of relationships and the dating journey or we’re actually tolerating something dysfunctional and it’s causing us to feel anxious? 

What is “natural uncertainty” on the dating journey, anyway?

Here’s the thing about dating and relationships – some uncertainty isn’t just normal, it’s actually necessary for real connection to grow. 

Think about it: when you first start seeing someone promising, there’s no way to know exactly how things will unfold between you. 

You can’t predict the perfect pace for emotional intimacy or know for sure how well your lifestyles will mesh. 

And even in solid, long-term relationships, there are always unknowns about how you’ll handle life’s curveballs together or how each person’s personal growth might shift the dynamic.

But here’s the important part – these kinds of unknowns are totally different from confusion about whether someone is actually showing up for you right now. 

When a relationship is healthy, you might not know exactly where it’s heading, but you should feel clear about the basics:

Are they consistent? Do they mean what they say? Are they meeting your core needs? Are you both wanting the same kind of relationship?

The goal isn’t to have everything figured out – it’s to be secure enough in your worth that you can let things unfold naturally while still holding firm to your standards for how you deserve to be treated.

It’s about being okay with not knowing the future while being crystal clear about what you need in the present.

Why this discernment is particularly challenging for people with an anxious attachment style

If you have an anxious attachment style, it can feel incredibly tricky to tell the difference between normal dating uncertainty and actual red flags.

Here’s why: your attachment system is basically like having an oversensitive smoke alarm – it goes off not just for real fires, but at the slightest hint of smoke.

When you’ve had experiences that taught you love isn’t guaranteed (like inconsistent attention from caregivers or painful past relationships), your brain gets really good at scanning for any possible sign that someone might leave or reject you.

What makes this even trickier is that we often feel the most intense chemistry (in other words: ATTRACTION) with people who trigger our attachment wounds – you know, those people who send mixed signals or run hot and cold.

That emotional rollercoaster can feel oddly familiar and exciting, even though it’s actually reinforcing old painful patterns.

And when you’re deeply afraid of ending up alone, it’s really easy to talk yourself into thinking that accepting breadcrumbs of attention or ignoring your needs is just part of “going with the flow” in dating.

The real game-changer is learning to tell the difference between your attachment anxiety (which is always worried about what might happen in the future) and your present-moment wisdom about whether someone is actually meeting your needs right now.

It’s about developing a new relationship with uncertainty – one where you can stay grounded in your worth while letting things unfold naturally, instead of either trying to control everything or abandoning your standards just to keep someone around.

So what does this really look like in action? 

Let’s break it down into real-world examples.

Accepting healthy uncertainty looks like dating someone who consistently shows up for you, even when things feel uncertain.

Maybe you’ve been seeing each other for a few months, and while you’re not sure if you’ll end up getting married, you know they respect your boundaries because they check in about the pace of physical intimacy.

They might need time to process big conversations, but they circle back reliably to discuss things.

When work gets busy, they give you a heads up instead of just disappearing.

You might feel nervous sometimes about the future, but their present actions consistently show they care.

On the flip side, subjecting yourself to dysfunction often masquerades as “going with the flow” but actually feels pretty awful. 

It’s like when you’re seeing someone who love-bombs you with attention one week, then ghosts you the next. 

They might say things like “I’m just not good at texting” while posting constantly on social media. 

Or maybe they keep your relationship secret from friends and family but claim they’re “just private.” 

When you try to talk about it, they turn it around and say you’re “too needy” or “rushing things.” 

The anxiety you feel isn’t about natural uncertainty – it’s your gut telling you something’s off.

The key difference? 

Healthy uncertainty exists in relationships where your core needs are being met RIGHT NOW, even if the future is unclear. 

Your partner might not know if they want kids yet, but they’re honest about that uncertainty rather than stringing you along. 

This information comes from effective communication and is ultimately empowering. 

They might need to reschedule a date, but they proactively suggest another time. 

You feel secure in their intentions, even if the path forward isn’t totally mapped out.

The key is to check:

1. Are your core requirements being met consistently?
2. Is the uncertainty about future unknowns or present misalignment?
3. Are you staying true to your needs and boundaries?
4. Is this relationship moving toward or away from your vision?

In my work with women who want to overcome anxious attachment patterns in their relationships, helping my clients getting clarity on relationship requirements, needs, and wants (and the important difference between them) is one of the biggest, most eye-opening pieces of our work together.

This level of clarity has a profound effect on how you navigate your dating journey, empowering you with more confidence and intuitive power to make conscious relationship choices, saving you time and potential heartbreak.

If this is something that you would love to get personalized support and deeper clarity on, I can help. Simply click here to contact me and we can talk more deeply about how can work together to raise your clarity and confidence on your dating journey.

Do you have a relationship question about overcoming anxious attachment in your dating journey? Send me a question here on my ASK MELISSA page and I will answer it in an upcoming blog post or video.