Today’s article is in response to a question from a reader (via Ask Melissa!) about understanding why her boyfriend is pushing her away, especially if he’s talking about having a future together. In my response, I provide insight into what’s really going on, the emotional trap that she needs to avoid, and whether she should stay or go.

Dear Melissa,

I don’t know whether to hope a relationship will develop or to close it off.

I have been divorced and single (not dating) for nearly six years. About two months ago I was asked out for a meal by a man I have known for about 2 years. He is a neighbor of my mother but I live in the same village so have seen him around.

We have been seeing each other almost every day and chatting every day. He was married for 25 years and has been divorced for five years. He has had a couple of relationships but has been hurt. I have been divorced the same amount of time after a 29-year marriage, but not dated.

I have been very hurt by my ex and I have trust issues and am very scared of people getting close to me. I have developed a major depressive disorder and have only recently come out of an extremely low episode.

We have talked at great length about our pasts and our fears and have so much in common and so many similarities. Without realizing it, my guard dropped and I have developed feelings for him. He has said he wants us to be exclusive, he has invited me to his home and has cooked meals, he is a full time career for his father, who has dementia and has happily introduced me to his dad.

He pops into my mums whenever he sees my car in her drive, he has met several of my family members, he has met my two grown children and my grandsons and he has told some people that we are together. He never had children but desperately wanted them.

He talks about us doing things together in the near and distant future, he has said he wants us to be an item and see each other exclusively, but he also says that he will find it very difficult to get into a relationship and just simply isn’t ready for that yet.

I am really confused and hurt and don’t know what to do. I don’t understand how someone can say and do the things he does, that all point to this being more than just a physical thing.

I feel stupid and angry with myself, because I left myself open and vulnerable and I feel that I need to close up again and put my defenses up again.

I really don’t know what to do. Do I wait and see if it’s because he is unsure or do I walk away?

– Irish Belle

Dear Irish Belle,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I feel your concern.

I know it’s really hard and frustrating when you feel like you’ve totally opened your heart to someone, but then you find out that they’re not ready or they’re unsure how to take care of it.

From all the interaction that you’ve had with him, it sounds like he does want a relationship.

But he also says that he’s not ready for one.

I know that can be really confusing.

His words, hopes and actions don’t align!

What’s Really Going On?

It’s like you’re thinking “Does he want a relationship or not??” What’s with all the mixed messages??

But, from what you’ve told me, he’s actually being very clear.

See, there’s a difference between wanting a relationship and being ready for a relationship.

It’s clear that he wants a relationship with you.

But it also sounds like he has the self-awareness to know that he isn’t ready for one right now.

(Though, makes you also wish he had the discipline to NOT get involved with someone if he knew he wasn’t ready!)

But this is very common, unfortunately.

Many guys aren’t ready for commitment for a variety of reasons.

But the thing is, they don’t want to be alone, and so they date to find a partner anyway. (Women do this, too!)

When their dating strategy doesn’t align with their readiness status, these singles unconsciously set themselves up for failure, complicating their lives and those of their dating partners.

Just because you want something doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for it.

Many variables can interfere with one’s readiness for a committed relationship, such as being involved with someone else, going through a divorce, financial trouble, career demands, family obligations, physical health challenges, or mental/emotional health challenges such as addictions, depression, or anxiety disorders.

Here’s the thing unfortunate thing: It would be a tragedy to meet your soul mate and not be ready.

Because when you’re not ready, you’re not really available.

Getting involved in a relationship before you are ready can create a shaky foundation of unfinished business that eventually brings a relationship crashing down.

There are a lot of elements to relationship readiness, and I go deeper into what those elements are in my article Is he ready for a relationship after divorce?

The Trap That You Need to Avoid

It sounds like you want a committed relationship.

And he’s communicated that he is unsure or not ready for that yet.

On the one hand, it’s good that he’s aware of his lack of readiness.

But here’s the trap that we should be aware of: the attempt to change him.

It’s easy to fall into because we’re so invested in the relationship. We’re in love; we want it to work out so badly.

But sometimes we get tempted to twist the relationship into something that it’s not rather than let it evolve.

I encourage you to avoid trying to “get him ready” or taking on that responsibility to try and change him—because it’s a losing battle every time.

It’s a losing battle because we don’t have any control over other people’s behavior (as much as we would like to).

And so it’s ultimately his responsibility to address his readiness issues.

It’s his responsibility to do what’s necessary to “get ready” and to set the foundation for his relationship success.

It’s his responsibility to resolve any issues that are interfering with his ability to be fully present and emotionally available for a relationship with you.

So Should You Stay or Should You Go?

So should you stay together in the hopes that things will change…or end the relationship?

Should you wait for him to be ready?

In order to decide that, you first have to get clear on your needs and relationship requirements…and the vision you have for the kind of relationship that you want.

What upsets you in your current relationship?

Issues in your relationship point to needs that you have that are not being met.

Your needs are the things that you need to have happen in a relationship in order for you to feel loved.

And your vision is your picture of the kind relationship that you really want, your notion of what would be a deeply fulfilling relationship for you.

All in all, your vision, needs and relationship requirements serve as your guide for making relationship decisions.

They guide you toward choices that support your vision and away from choices that deny your vision.

When you identify your needs, relationship requirements and vision, you should then weigh the costs and opportunities of leaving or staying in the relationship.

For example, what does it cost you (mentally, emotionally, etc.) if you leave the relationship?

Maybe you’ll lose touch with him and maybe your friendship will fade; sure that’s a risk you take.

But, by leaving the relationship, you also make yourself available…possibly to someone who is ready to love you and be with you the way that you really want them to be.

Or you could stay in the relationship.

But if you stay, your needs might not get met because he said he is not ready for a relationship.

And the danger in not getting your needs met is that it will build resentment between you two…and that can really poison a relationship.

When you’ve weighed the costs and opportunities, you have to really take a look at your options and decide what’s best for your long-term happiness.

The Real Question at Stake

There are risks to consider in either path.

Sometimes it takes stretching beyond our comfort zone in order to go for what we really want.

Going for the life that we really want takes risk.

True love takes risk. {Click to Tweet!}

The real question is: What are you willing to do in order to have the life and relationship that you really want?

The empowering thing about being the creator of your own experience is that you get to decide which chances you want to take.

That’s a lot of power.

But also a lot of responsibility.

Which is why it can be so scary.

Aligning our vision, needs and relationship requirements give us the best chances at succeeding in our relationship, but the truth is—sometimes we don’t know whether we’re going to win or whether we’re going to fail.

The only thing that’s certain is: if you don’t take a chance, your life is NOT going to change.

You’ll stay there…standing at the fork in the road…with your dreams, on either path, going unrealized.

The risks are great.

But so is the reward.

It’s a very personal decision that only you can make.

It requires deep listening to your heart, getting present to your needs, your relationship requirements, and the vision that you want for your life, and determining which path feels right and true to you.